Not peeking around the corner.

Around this time last year I posted a blog entry about the New Year of 2013. I am now sitting writing this on the last day of that year waiting for my corned beef and brie toasted sandwich to cool and reflecting.
So, this time last year I was staying with The Brother and waiting for the money for the sale of the house to come through so that I could split the proceeds with Madame, pay off my debts and find a new place to live. Today I'm sitting in my new home, albeit rented but still home all the same with a plan for my retirement in 5 years time and hoping for the best in the year to come.
Madame became engaged to a new chap and visited here twice this past year and I went to the USA, not to visit her but to have a jolly time in Las Vegas, which I did. I hope to be able to travel more for pleasure this next year and will try to be more assiduous in keeping in touch with friends.
The past year has not been too bad to me nor has it all been wine and roses but I've chugged along and am grateful for the help The Brother has given me. I like living here in North Broomhill and hope I can continue to do so in future. Even if I have to move from this house I would like to stay in the area since it is a great mix of country and coast and the locals are pretty friendly in general.
I hope to be able to continue with my work as a trainer and will make every effort in my spare time to do a bit more writing and get the first tale in The Story finished so that I can move on to the next episode. I'll continue to drone on in this blog and try to be more regular with my posts to try and keep you abreast of my doings whether you want me to or not.
I'm not making any specific New Year resolutions as such but I'll try, as my Facebook friend Leigh Ann says, not to borrow trouble and just deal with whatever life throws at me. No what-ifs and over-thinking just get on with life and hope for the best.
Sorry if this has been a bit of a ramble, I have just written down what has come into my head without a plan of how it will pan out or where it is going, a bit like my life really.
Anyway, all I can say is I wish everyone a Happy, Healthy and Prosperous 2014. Peace and Love. ttfn

On a different note...

... over the holidays I was talking with The Brother about a couple of people we used to know from Canada who were either related to my paternal grandmother or were friends my maternal uncle met whilst he was doing his RAF training in Winnipeg during WWII.
The first person had the first name of Beulah and was I think related to my grandma Ann Hall (nee Wilkinson) who lived in Heddon on the Wall, Northumberland.
The second was named Dolph or Dolf and was either related to the above grandma or was a friend of my uncle Ted (Edward) Clark (who was from Ryton in County Durham and latterly lived in Throckley near Newcastle upon Tyne) from his time in Canada during the war.
I know it's a long shot but I wonder if there is anyone out there in Canadian blog land who has any idea who these folks were and if they had any remaining family as I presume they are both likely to have passed on.
I remember reading a Christmas card from Beulah many years ago which said if my folks didn't respond she would not be back in touch. She was true to her word and that has always been a source of sadness to me.
Dolph came to visit us sometime, I think in the 1970's and again we lost touch. That also makes me sad that he came all this way and we never kept up the contact, or not to my knowledge anyway.
Our family has always been very bad at keeping in touch and I think it would be good to rectify that.
Strange what one thinks about at 4 in the morning.
Peace and Love. ttfn

03:07 Sunday 29/12/13

So here I am, wide awake lying in bed with a kitty at my feet writing yet more drivel. Or not. Maybe what drips from my fingers onto the page will be the most inspirational post I've ever written. Or not. Sometimes I think about what I'm going to write on here and other times I just let my mind loose to write whatever comes forth. I'll let you dear reader decide what this post is.
Anyway, I spent most of yesterday in the club then came home for a curry, which was splendid. Both the club and the curry. I decided that an early night was in order so I was in bed by 10.30 pm. Now of course having woken up thirsty and gone for a drink I can't get back to sleep, hence my ramblings.
I also was having a horrible dream which was reliving, albeit in a slightly inaccurate fashion, Madame's leaving home back in 2012. That was not a pleasant experience, then or in my dream. I sincerely hope I don't have to go through another break-up although in order to do that I'll have to stay single as I think I'm incapable of sustaining a relationship.
But still, that is all in the past and as I said in my last ramblings I am going to try to be more optimistic in future.
Once the holidays are over I'm going to cut back drastically on my drink intake and try to lose enough weight to allow me to get into my linen suit for the Summer. It isn't that I plan to need to wear said suit it's just a good target to have rather than aim at a weight. I have some very good clothes which are currently useless as I am too much of a fat slob to get into them so rather than buy a new set of clothes I'm going to reduce my girth which will benefit both my pocket and my health. My pocket because I'll not be spending money on drink or new clothes and my health because I'll not be hauling around 60 pounds of extra blubber. The only extra pounds I want will be of the currency kind which as previously mentioned I will be saving by the aforementioned abstinence and lack of apparel purchasing.
Still enough from me for now. Until next time, Peace and Love, ttfn.

Filthy weather

The weather today is awful with strong winds and rain which means I can stay in, get a bit of The Story written and catch up on some reading. Added to the rubbish weather is the fact that the club is closed on a Monday so my nearest watering hole is The Trap which is somewhere I rarely venture as I don't really like it.
I hope that the Christmas Holidays are good this year. Last year they were marred by the delays in the completion of the house sale and the fact that I was still in a slough of despond following the decree absolute at the end of November. This year I am a little more upbeat and have made some decent acquaintances in the club to celebrate Christmas with. I will also feel a little happier spending Christmas day with The Brother and Sis-in-Law since at least the burden of the house sale has been removed.
I still wish somewhat to be able to spend time with Madame but realistically those days are gone and I should look to making the best of what is available rather than hankering for the unlikely.
So I will try to be a little more optimistic and in that spirit I wish my reader a very Merry Christmas.
Peace and Love x ttfn.

Holiday time.

My Christmas Holidays started yesterday and as the club was open all day I decided that having done my last few bits of shopping I would reward myself with a wee drinkie.
Well, a wee drinkie was followed by another wee drinkie and another and another, you get the picture I presume. Anyway, all I can say is vodka and irn bru erase memory, I don't remember last night at all, or maybe that's overstating it, I do remember the majority, just not leaving and getting home and what I did once I got here. My hat is hanging where it normally hangs so at least I didn't lose it or leave it behind in the club which is a plus.
So having started my holidays with a wee drinkie, today I will be staying in to dry out and listen to the Newcastle match on the radio. There's no UK live tv coverage today as the kick off is 3pm and the tv companies aren't allowed to show 3pm Saturday kick-offs due to an old rule from way back which has never been recinded. It was put in place originally to encourage attendance at games when they all kicked off at 3pm on a Saturday.
Having said that I'll not be drinking today I may have a small celebratory one in the house if they win but otherwise I'll keep off the drink to allow my liver a respite, poor thing.
Off for a cup of char now so Merry Christmas and ttfn.

Enjoyable.

I've just had a couple of very interesting and enjoyable days at our trainer conference yesterday and today. I came away with a lot of positive thoughts and have met up with friends old and new from all over the UK. I've reminisced and taken the mickey, been sad at the loss of former colleagues and been happy to bump into folks I haven't seen or spoken to in many moons. All in all a very positive experience.
Speaking of positive things I just listened to Porky Pig singing Blue Christmas, what a hoot, makes me shed tears of laughter each time I hear it.
All I have to hope is that I can now channel this positive mood, maintain it through the Christmas Holidays, which I've found tough in the past and carry it forward into 2014 and beyond. I really hope I've turned a corner and can look on the brighter side of life and try to be more positive in the future.
I'm pretty sure I wrote, or maybe just thought something similar this time last year but then I was in a bad place, waiting for the sale of the house to complete and so on still mourning (if that is the right word) the loss of my marriage which I had hoped would last.
Still, that was then and this is now so I must stop looking back and aim for a happier future, alone or in a partnership and be more positive, remember that I have a plan and be content with my lot in life.
ttfn.
Oh, and here's Porky:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pg7HvF3a_Iw&feature=share

I don't know, I hate this.

It is now coming up to the first anniversary of my moving out of the old place. The anniversaries of Madame leaving and the divorce going through have been and gone whilst the Christmas holidays are fast approaching. All of this has made me try to evaluate my current position.
I am living alone in a rented house which I might have to move out of at two months notice and find somewhere else that will take pets. I have some savings and I'm enjoying my work. The main problem is that I'm alone and still hanker after Madame's return. This of course is something that will never happen, she is now engaged to someone new and has made a new life for herself back in the USA, it would take a miracle for her to want to come back.
I am entirely lost as to what to do next, I must get past the desire for something I can't have and try to search for that which I can. The problem is I don't know how.
I am close to giving up. ttfn

4 Months.

4 months, that's how long its been since I last added anything to The Story or did any writing for that matter. I have been stuck on what Bob should do next and this has discouraged me from looking at my writing folder. I need some inspiration from somewhere, perhaps something dramatic will have to happen to push Bob away from Cleveland and further out towards California where the bulk of his life will take place. Whether he goes with Helen or alone is the question. I'm reluctant to kill her off but I'm not sure how else Bob will become the sad, disillusioned chap he needs to be to make The Story work. If I want him to have offspring so that I can keep The Story going into future generations Helen will either have to die giving birth or stay in the story and some other catastrophe hit the two of them to make them move. Another option of course is for Helen to be the one moving on alone although I'm not sure how historically accurate that would be for the late 1860's. Maybe Bob will have to be written out and Helen moves West in her grief and becomes a hard-bitten saloon keeper in California and The Story can revolve around her life. It's something to consider and consider it I shall.

Watch this space. ttfn.

It's been a while...

...since my last post. I haven't much felt like writing on here or anywhere else lately. It really gets to me still that Madame has moved on and I am left sitting surrounded by my thoughts and feelings that I can't seem to shake off.
For my own mental, and physical, since I'm still drinking way to much, wellbeing I need to get it into my thick skull that she has gone and is making a new life which only includes me when it suits her.
She has no finer feelings left for me. She may say she wants me to find someone new and be happy and I'm sure she means that but it is also because she wants me off her back.
 She only keeps in touch to use my address as her UK base because I'm daft enough to want to let her so that I can keep some pathetic link between us which she would happily see broken because she is happy now with her new home and relationship and I am left wallowing in jealousy and regret and anger because I still want her around and angry with her for not wanting to be around me.
 It's a vicious circle which will only be broken when I have the balls to say fuck it I've had enough and get all her stuff into a container and send it to her c/o her sister because I don't have her actual address and just cut the string and float away.
I'm scared to do that until I can find someone who will support me and love me and that person is nowhere to be seen. Perhaps I'm in the wrong place and need to move and start a whole new life away from it all but where? Having said that I am in a new place and maybe I should sort my life out and go where I will meet people who aren't... oh I give up, I'm deluding myself if I think I'm ever going to find someone, I'm fat, bald and old, who will want me? I thought I'd found my soulmate in Madame and that went tits up so I may as well just accept that I'm past it and get on with what life I have and stop wishing her back or someone new to come into my life.
This rant was brought to you by my jealousy on finding out that Madame in in Paris with her fiance.
I really have had enough. ttfn

It's a cold winter Wednesday...

... and I'm sitting snuggled up to a kitty thinking about not very much. It makes a change for my mind and imagination to be at rest for a few minutes. It has been a while since my brain has had a chance to drift and think of nothing other than which potato to bake tonight for tea.
My life and my emotions have been in a whirl for I can't remember how long but I think thanks to the break in Vegas and the formulation of a 5-year plan my emotions have decided to settle down a little. I'm not of course saying that all is rosy in heddonlad world but at least I know what I want to do and the planning of the course I want to take helps to raise my mood somewhat.
As I said in my blog the other day, I am a little more hopeful about how my interactions with Madame are going and although I have hope there is still a part of me preparing for life alone since that is still the most likely outcome.
If the 5-year plan does come to pass I certainly won't miss the cold and damp of the Winter, although a bright crisp Northumbrian day is still a delight with her fantastic aspects, be they coast or country at their best in the clear fresh air.
So now to other things, perhaps a look at The Story or maybe I'll write a line or two of a new tale yet to be dragged screaming from my subconscious, who knows? That's the fun of being a creative genius (that's a joke, by the way), it all comes from who knows where and ends up on paper by a mysterious process I have no control over. Even these blogs are a stream of conciousness without plan or form when I set out, just a vague idea that I want to say something to those few of you out there who look at my ramblings.
So off I go, ttfn.

Guess what?

I'm in Leeds again. I must say that all this travel has kept me sane this last 12 months. Without it I think I would have had a breakdown by now.
As I said in my last blog Madame is here, in fact she has been and gone. We had a good couple of days going through more boxes of stuff and sorting out where it needs to go. It is slow progress but slow progress is better than no progress.
As I said, it was a good couple of days and I have come out the other side with some hope that maybe Madame is softening a little towards the idea of a reconciliation. I am undoubtedly deluding myself on that and will probably be setting myself up for more sadness when I find that my expectations do not match reality.
What can I say? I live in hope and expect failure, or should that be hope for the best and plan for the worst, either way what has to be will be and it's all out of my control so I wait...
ttfn

Madame is here.

Madame is indeed here. We have gone through some stored stuff and she is currently having a nap before we go and collect the kitties from kitty kamp.
I feel very strange about the whole her being here thing, it feels to me like we have never been apart and that we aren't divorced. Whenever she is here it feels like she's back from a business trip and is about to go on another. I feel odd.
Madame says she doesn't feel that way, to her we are finished as a couple (which legally and physically we are) and remain friends (which we do), however to me the connection hasn't been severed completely and I still feel that there is some hope for the future.
It's very puzzling and I don't know what to do. I know we can never recapture what we once had and it's doubtful that we would ever start again as a couple (especially as she is now engaged elsewhere) but I still hold this candle for her and can't quite shake the feeling that we finished too soon, that there was more life in the relationship and it was ended before it's time.
I don't know.
I will continue to live day-to-day and hang my hat on my 5 year plan for retirement.
Speaking of which, my plan currently is at a very early stage and consists of the purchase of a static caravan on a site near the coast, Amble or somewhere similar to stay in from March to November. I would then rent a place somewhere warm, probably in South West USA from December to February. That's it so far, much more work needs to be done on the details and logistics of the whole idea but it's a start and from little acorns great oaks to grow.
Time for me to stop now.  Until next time, ttfn.

Feeling strange.

Well here I am at Vegas airport on my way back to the UK. It's funny but I still get the same old feeling that I used to get when I left Madame in DC all those years ago. I doubt I will ever entirely get over our failed marriage. I suppose as the years go by it will be a fainter and fainter feeling of loss but it still hurts right now. It does come in waves though whereas it used to be a steady river of sadness. Still it's better having her as a friend than not at all, eh?

Last day in Vegas.

Today is my last day in Vegas. I hope to be back, just as I hope to be able to put my plan into action of staying here in the Winter once I retire. Until then it is back to the reality of being a sad single middle-aged Civil Servant living without the person he thought would be there alongside him for the rest of his days.
I am feeling a little low today because it is the end of my holiday/vacation and that has always been a trigger for a low mood to set in. I trace it back to childhood when our annual holiday was a break from school which I hated. The thought of having to go back always set me on a downer and still makes me feel sad to this day when I hark back to those times.
I had hoped that this trip would be a chance to lay the ghosts of previous trips with Madame but although I've had a good time for the most part there has been an underlying feeling of something missing, that thing being the companionship we used to have before it all went wrong and to quote her, the relationship 'broke'.
I find myself in a sad place mentally at the moment, my hope is that if I plan things well enough I may be able to come back here at least for regular holidays if not to live part time. The plan will give me a purpose I suppose because without something to look forward to I fear that I'm lost.
I know deep down that I can never re-establish what I had with Madame until it went wrong, she has made a new life back in the US with a new man, I am now just part of her past with no likelihood of ever becoming part of her present in a relationship way again.
I need to push on and make a new life for myself, it has been nearly 12 months since the divorce went through so surely I should be able to sort myself out by now. I can't recall how long it took last time to recover from my first debacle (sorry, marriage) so I don't have much of a yardstick to measure my recovery period to. I will just have to soldier on I suppose and hope things improve with time. Life has been up and down this last couple of years, I really hope that I can find a way to eliminate the downs and get on an even keel.
Until that day comes, well I just don't know.
ttfn

Hold on lads, I've got an idea.

To quote Michael Caine in the Italian Job. My idea is this, when I retire I would like to live for part of the year in Las Vegas and the rest of the time in the UK. I think November to January in Vegas and the remainder of the year in Northumberland is a good split. I could be in the USA on a 90 day visa waiver so there would be no immigration requirements or residency issues.
There is a lot of thought and planning required to take such a big step, foremost being where to live, what to live on, transport and suchlike issues. I will have to get my thinking cap on to see how it would work and speak to people in the know to get advice on how best to make the transition from full time to part time life in the UK and the US.
You may think me mad but why not? I have no-one else to consider now so I may as well try it. If it doesn't work out I will have lost nothing because as I have said I'm not planning to up sticks and leave the UK permanently, only for 3 months of the year so I can always just stop leaving the UK for those 3 months and go back to living in the UK full time.
As so many people say, you only live once so make the best of it. The Winter climate in Vegas is quite pleasant, not too hot or cold, especially compared to England in the Winter so I may as well at least look into the possibility of doing it. Nothing ventured, nothing gained.
ttfn.

It's Vegas, it's Tuesday, it's 4.15 am....

...and I'm sitting up in bed writing this. I have something of a sore throat today, I think it's because I'm so unused to tobacco smoke now that when I do encounter it my body says 'Koff, Koff, go away!'
It is strange after all those years of smoking to be so sensitive to tobacco smoke but at least it puts me off sufficiently to not want to start again and also makes me realise how anti social I was for all those years towards non-smokers, sorry.
I think I'll go for a bit of a wander down The Strip later and see what has changed since my last visit, a fair bit I should imagine. It does feel a little odd to be here on my own. I have the feeling that Madame will walk around the corner any minute, I suppose it's only natural bearing in mind that all my other trips here were with her. Looks like my plan of laying the ghost of previous trips hasn't quite worked out yet, it may still, we'll have to wait and see.
I do love Vegas though, for all the supposed brashness and flashiness there is a normality about it as well as it being a completely alien environment in the middle of a desert. People still get up and go to work, there are teachers, office workers and public servants just like anywhere else. What makes it unusual I suppose is the 24 hour culture; but having said that, even here it is relatively quiet on the streets at 5 am just like many other places. The difference is you can still get a drink, gamble or have a meal in one of the casinos but I suppose you can do that in Reno or Atlantic City as well, who knows what makes it special? I certainly don't.
Vegas is still special though and I do love being here. I wonder if my funds in retirement will stretch to me living here for the Winter months of November to January or will I just have to stay in the UK and wear an extra cardigan. The former I hope. The latter I fear.
ttfn

Oh yes I forgot...

... to say that one of the discount vouchers I was given at check-in to the hotel was for 10% off a walk-in wedding with free transport to the courthouse thrown in. Any offers considered...

From Leeds to Vegas

So there I was on last Thursday on the train to Leeds moaning about how selfish people in the quiet coach don't know how to be quiet and going from the hotel to the office in Leeds thinking about how nice it is sometimes to get some peace and quiet in my hotel room. The next thing I know I'm in Las Vegas commemorating the anniversary of my divorce and sitting in the hotel at 6am Vegas time writing about how nice it is to able to get some peace and quiet in my hotel room. International jet-setter or what?
This trip is by way of a catharsis, I hope to lay the ghost of all the previous trips I made with Madame (fun though they were, apart from the food poisoning incident, man was I sick).
I plan to gamble somewhat, drink moderately and forswear fornication. It is also interesting that even though you are allowed to smoke in the casino and cigarettes are not too expensive I have no desire to start again, that way lies emphysema and many other problems so not for me thank you very much.
I flew through Amsterdam and all the Dutch people I met assumed I was Dutch, it must be my incipient Movember 'tache make me look like I am. Perhaps I should learn to speak the language to keep up the charade.
Anyway, I think I'll go and get a bath and head downstairs for a spot of breakfast. ttfn

Football

It's often been said that football is a funny old game. Today my team Newcastle United takes on their greatest rivals Sunderland. This is a fixture which has been played well over one hundred times and every time the next game comes round I and many others have the same feelings of nervous tension until it is all over. There's really no need, it after all only a game but try telling that to the thousands of people at the game and watching on tv.
This game matters to the followers of both teams a huge amount and sets the tone in each city for months to come. After the debacle last season where Sunderland ran out easy winners at Newcastle's home ground many have been waiting for this game with eager anticipation. Especially Newcastle supporters who would dearly like to gain revenge at the home of their old enemy.
Speaking of enmity, it seems that over the last few years there has built up a degree of hatred between the fans of each side which I never knew as a youngster. I knew people who had season tickets for both clubs and attended the games of whichever team was playing at home. Nowadays that would be seen as treachery.
Sad really that things have come to this as it does take away some of the enjoyment of the game and the discussions afterwards when people seem to lose any sense of perspective they may have and revert to tribalism.
Anyway, I hope that today's game is a sporting occasion with both sides giving their utmost, the fans supporting their respective teams with gusto and no silliness from the numpty brigade who like to cause bother.
Here's to a good game and a win for the Mighty Magpies. ttfn.

You may recall...

...that I have been writing The Story now for quite some time. The last time I looked in on Bob it was 30 July, he had just married the lovely Helen and embarked on a new life on a smallholding not far from Cleveland OH.
I think the time has come over this next week in the evenings whilst I'm in Leeds and perhaps also when I'm not gambling drinking or fornicating in Vegas to get a good run at it and move Bob and his beautiful bride forward. They must be sick of sitting in that cabin waiting for me to give them an idea of where they are going in life.
ttfn

Just a thought.

When a relationship ends what is it that is missed? Is it the person or the relationship? Maybe its a combination of both, who knows? I certainly don't.
As I say, just a thought. ttfn

Endings.

Why is it that things have to come to an end? I asked myself this question when a friend said on her Facebook page that she was dreading her Grandma's funeral today. I'm sure we can all empathise with that feeling as most of us will have lost a loved one at one time or another and had to face the prospect of laying them to rest.
Why does this have to be? All things end at some time, childhood, relationships and eventually life. We are of course finite beings with a lifespan which comes to an end when our bodies wear out, even the fittest and healthiest of us come to that inevitable conclusion.
Perhaps the best solution to dealing with these endings is to make sure that even though we are gone, and I'm not just talking about once we are dead, I'm also thinking of when relationships end, that we leave behind us a legacy of kindness and compassion so that when we are no longer around people will remember us with a smile and maybe miss us a little bit.
It may be that if a relationship has ended badly because of the behaviour of one partner or another or someone who was a complete swine during their life has died it will be difficult to remember that person fondly. That said, perhaps we should use the bad behaviour of these people as a lesson for us and treat people with kindness and compassion so that when we are gone people can say, 'do you recall old so-and-so? What a lovely person, I do miss them' and maybe they will live their lives in a more kindly fashion and make the world a better place.
I know of course that there will always be haters, the prejudiced who make others lives a misery, I'm not so silly as to think that everyone will be kind, there are too many selfish people around these days for that to happen. What I do suggest is that if each of us who is willing tries to live life in a caring and compassionate way maybe we can influence the odd hater to change their approach. One is better than none, and on that note I'll say, ttfn.

Times Change.

It's interesting how things change over time. When I was a youngster in the 1960's I could buy sweet cigarettes, bubblegum cigars, liquorice pipes and coconut tobacco. Is it any wonder I used to dream of being able to start smoking as soon as I was able? In fact I remember having actual dreams about being able to buy and smoke fruit flavoured cigarettes and tobacco. In time I did smoke fruit flavoured tobacco in my pipe so I suppose my dreams came true!
I smoked for over 30 years and there was a time when virtually everyone I worked or socialised with smoked. I had an ashtray on my desk for much of my career, in fact there was a Civil Service standard issue ashtray which you could order through the stores department. The pub was shrouded in a haze of tobacco smoke, not any more.
Pubs now smell of stale beer as smokers are consigned to the outside huddled together in shelters. where once it was a social activity it is now thoroughly anti-social.
Smoking bans can ease the way to giving up; one of the reasons I packed in three years or so ago was the ban on smoking in places such as pubs. I didn't like leaving my beer in a nice warm boozer to stand in the freezing cold sucking on a burning tube of tobacco. I love beer more than tobacco.
I'm glad I stopped, I feel much better in myself and don't wheeze any more. I do occasionally yearn for a roll-up but I remember how bad I used to feel sometimes and put the thought behind me.
So all-in-all in my opinion giving up smoking is a good idea, something I would not have said ten years ago, but as I say, times change.
ttfn

Another day, another town.

I wrote this in my notebook whilst travelling on the train to visit a colleague in Peterborough on October 17 then promptly forgot all about it.
"I love travel of any kind and I especially love train travel, I don't know why. It may be because it generally more relaxing than driving even taking into account delays and hanging around in stations.
It must be said that although my mood has improved lately I still hanker for a partner in life. I still am grateful though, I have plenty of travel in the pipeline including my trip to Vegas so I really shouldn't complain too much"
So there you have it, a snapshot of my thoughts last Thursday. I'm such an interesting guy!
ttfn

I wondered today.

As I was pondering my current situation I wondered today whether wealth beyond the dreams of avarice would make me happy, ease the sadness I sometimes feel or just make me rich and sad rather than just sad.
It is an imponderable that I haven't considered before even in times of previous sadness long before the current cause arrived on the scene.
I have my doubts that untold wealth would make me any less prone to these 'down' periods I have, it may mean that I can be sad in more luxurious surroundings or in some beautiful house overlooking the sea but I don't think it would alter my mental make-up which seems to be of the Eeyore rather than the Winnie the Pooh school of thought.
It's a strange one, maybe a little bit more money would ease the down times by allowing me to travel to uplifting places, especially in the Winter once the clocks have retreated from the sunny days of Summer but it is unlikely to happen with the lottery odds at 12 billion to 1 or whatever it is and my best selling book of short stories still in dry dock.
The answer of course is to get the stories written and published, no easy task I might say, and let my adoring public buy them in their millions thereby providing me with extra 'de-downing' money. Well get on with it instead of maundering away on here, I hear you say. I wish, is my response, the muse has left me and I no more know where my hero 'Bob' is heading than I know how to make gold from base metal.
Still, there's no show without Punch so perhaps I should just dive in and write any old drivel and pick the gems from the sludge once I've finished the first draft.
Good idea. That's what I'll do.
ttfn

A short poem (slightly rude)

There was a young man from Peru

Who had not only one ball but two

When he swung them with force

He could knock down a horse

Take care or he'll do it to you.

Another Birthday...

...has been and gone. I was pleasantly surprised by the number of good wishes from friends, it brought home to me that there are still people out there who care about me, they are all just a bit far away sometimes. I received my sole birthday card along with a lovely bottle of rum from The Brother which I will be savouring in moderation.
It's interesting that the vast majority of my birthday wishes came via Facebook, which in my mind doesn't devalue them in any way, it is just an indication of how our lives have moved on over the last few years. It cheered me up no end to think that there are so many people who still like me enough to wish me well.
I am feeling a little down today but that will pass I'm sure. I had such a lovely day yesterday that it was inevitable that today would be an anticlimax if that is what it is since the day was good but not that good.
Still all in all a day to savour. A bit like last Saturday when I met up with my pal in Edinburgh for a day out. We went to the Scottish National Museum which was not only free to get in but was exceptionally good. The exhibits were marvellous and the place is so big we had to make the decision to have a return trip to finish off looking around. I must be getting old though because there were things in there which I still use or have only recently gotten rid of, including a flat iron which I use to keep the middle door open in the house.
In general though I don't feel too bad just now. I still hanker after a partner in life but I'm making the best of my current situation and am living in hope.
Oh, and I won £3.20 on the Euromillions lottery last night. I won't let it go to my head.
TTFN

October

Well, I finally bit the bullet and turned the heating on. It's blowing a hoolie and raining outside so I think Autumn is finally upon us. Tonight I plan to have a chicken stew then stay in and read a good book. In fact it is a very good book called 'The Final Whistle, the Great War in Fifteen Players' by Stephen Cooper. The book looks at 15 men who played rugby for Rosslyn Park and who died in the First World War. It is very well written and I'm enjoying it very much.
I spent today working at home to produce a PowerPoint presentation for a course I deliver, it has been a while since I made a PowerPoint so I pretty much had to start from scratch since the whole thing has changed since the last time. Anyway, it's all done now, at least the first two drafts are. I'm sure it'll require some tweaking before it's ready to add to the event but I'm hoping not too many changes will be needed.
On a different note, Saturday I'll be meeting up with a pal in Edinburgh for a day of culture and entertainment involving the Scottish National Gallery, Waterstones and some pubs. I'm really looking forward to the trip, it should be a good day and it will be pleasant to see my pal who I haven't seen for a while. I'll have to take extra cash if I'm going to Waterstones though as I don't seem to be able to go into that place without buying books. I have enough already without buying more but as a bookaholic I can't resist. I'll let you know if I managed to hold out.
Off now to stir my stew (not a euphemism) and start reading.
ttfn.

I'm really....

...looking forward to my upcoming trip to Las Vegas. I haven't had a holiday in a long time and although I have been travelling a lot for work lately, it's been a while since  had any leisure travel.
I am much more relaxed than I was 12 months ago and I hope a holiday will really help to maintain that mood.
I started this post on October 3 and you can see the difference from the September 29 one. I really need this holiday and to get away from it all for a few days. As I said, it will give me a chance to recharge my batteries and maybe gain a new perspective on my life ahead and my attitude towards relationships both past and future.
ttfn.

Do you know...

..that feeling when you think you are getting over a break-up and realise that you aren't? That's where I am just now, or maybe not. I don't know really, it all feels very odd. I am conflicted.
Not much of  a subject for a post. Whatever I write will seem a bit pathetic somehow. I'm not a kid any more, I'll be 55 in two weeks and should really be adult enough to able to cope with the situation. It has been 12 months now since Madame left for the USA and the longer she is away the less likely she is to come back.
I started writing this on September 29 and couldn't finish it because I didn't know where I was going with it. I have such ambivalent feelings just now that I can't come up with a cogent explanation of my current emotional state.
Maybe I'll have a better idea once I've had a holiday and been able to relax and take stock.
ttfn

Driving back...

from Alnwick this morning I was struck by how beautiful Northumberland is in the Autumn. The trees are just beginning to turn and there was a slight mist just being burned off by the early morning sunshine. There was little traffic about and the peace was such that you could nearly taste it.
Now Northumberland is lovely at any time of year but I think it really does blossom in the Autumn, I don't know what it is, it just seems that the whole landscape takes on a gentler mode. It makes one glad to be so lucky as to be living in such a wonderful place.
That more people don't visit has always amazed me. In the Summer months the main A1 road is crowded with cars full of people from all parts of the UK and beyond all going through the county to Scotland without even a sideways glance. Perhaps if a few of them took a moment to look around them they would realise that perhaps a detour might be in order to take in the wonderful coastline, historic houses and castles or the rugged moorland. Still, the fact is that they don't and it really is their loss.
Anyway, enough of this waxing lyrical about my home county. I'm off to make a cup of tea (Ringtons, of course) and consider trying to move The Story along. I have neglected poor Bob for too long and I must rectify the situation. These tales won't write themselves and if I'm ever going to become a published writer I really ought to write.
So Peace and Love until next time, ttfn.
PS. I was really rather pleased this morning to discover that the wonderful actress Minnie Driver had followed me on Twitter. It made me happy for some unknown reason. A lovely lady.
Right, ttfn again.

So.

I left home in 1979 at the age of 20. I lived alone until 1982 when I lived for 12 months with my first wife. From 1983 to 1988 I lived alone. I then stayed at home for 12 months with my parents. In 1989 I started living alone again until 2003 when Madame and I started living together. She left in September 2012 and I lived alone until December 2012. I started living alone again in March 2013 and am still living a singleton life with little prospect of that changing in the foreseeable future.
That all means I have been living alone for nearly 24 years out of the last 34. You'd think I would be used to it by now.

I'm not. ttfn

Being on your own...

....can be awful because you sleep alone, awaken alone, go out alone, come home alone, eat alone, shop alone, holiday alone.
Being alone can also be good because you sleep alone, awaken alone, go out alone, come home alone, eat alone, shop alone, holiday alone.
Sometimes though it is difficult to not have a hand to hold, or other physical contact which shall remain nameless here or a friendly ear to hear how your day was.
Still you have to make the best of what life has handed you I guess so onwards my friends.
Love and Peace ttfn x

I hate being single

I said this the other day on both Twitter and Facebook. Thinking about it, I do hate being single but not so much that I will go out with anyone just to be in a couple. That wouldn't be fair on them, or me and would end badly as have most, if not all of my relationships.
My problem is that I am fine at the start and then can either become possessive or take the person for-granted. Neither of which is a good way to maintain a good relationship with someone.
I am very insecure and that means I cannot believe that anyone would want to waste their time with me when they could be off having a better time with someone else. It seems that attitude is a self fulfilling prophesy in that everyone I have ever cared for has done just that.
I will need an adjustment in my attitude towards any new partner who enters my life or the rocky road to singleness will be trodden again, assuming that a new partner does show up. There's no guarantee that will happen so until it does I will take each day as it comes and make the best of what life sends my way.

Peace and Love x ttfn

I must...

...stop hankering for that which I can't have and make the best of that which I do.
I have a job, a roof over my head, enough money to get by on, friends (albeit far away and dispersed) who care about me and reasonable health (although I need to lose some weight) so I am much better placed in life than many people and I really should appreciate all this and stop 'wishing I was happy'. I have nothing to be unhappy about when you look at the great scheme of things.
So, I must live my life and realise that what has to be will be and just get on with it.

I hope that anyone else with a similar mindset to mine can take this on and do the same.

Love and Peace x.  ttfn

Sunday 15 November 2013.

It's 5.30 pm and I'm sitting here on the settee with a kitty asleep by my side and the wind blowing a hoolie outside although at least the rain has stopped and the sun has come out.
I don't have anything special to say today, I just thought that as it's been a couple of weeks I'd better come and say hello.
Hello.
I've booked a trip to Las Vegas for early November because I haven't had a proper holiday in ages and it's about time I did. It will be strange going to America alone again after all those years of travelling with Madame but I hope by doing so I will finally lay a few ghosts and be able to move on.
My hankering for her return has subsided as time passes. It's a year now since she went and our contact is restricted to playing Words with Friends on Facebook and the occasional message relating to post that has arrived for her.
 I consigned to history any hope of her returning home to me when she announced her engagement to the man she used to communicate on Facebook Cafe World with as our marriage went down the pan. She is now amongst that group of people with whom I am emotionally close but physically far apart from. I guess as time passes she will disappear from my life in the same way as many have, who knows? It is not under my control so I must go with what the fates decide.
Forcing issues has never got me anywhere other than to push away those people and things I most wanted to keep close or to have. I have a history of over-playing my hand at inopportune times and losing what I wanted so my watchword is now the saying my dear departed Mam used to use; 'what has to be will be'.
On that note I will be off, wishing you Love and Peace. ttfn x

Here I am...

in yet another hotel room ready to work for a couple of days in Leeds so I thought a short ramble would be a good idea to keep me out of the pub.
This 'diet' and 'exercise' regime I have allegedly put myself on is not doing the job. It has a flaw in that I can't keep out of the bloody pub! It it much too conveniently situated, so I go along every evening because the company is good and it stops me from being lonely.
This has to stop before I burst, so from today, note from today, not tomorrow, I am going to restrict myself to no more than three nights a week in pubs. So for example, this week as I'm away I'll go tomorrow for dinner to a pub, then when I get home on Wednesday night I will not go out again until Saturday. This will halve my beer consumption at a stroke and along with the healthier eating which I have succeeded in undertaking should make the weight start to come down so that the gym and the cycling will become a little easier thereby also assisting in the loss of flab.
 I hope this works because I'm heartily sick of being a blob.
Anyway, on a different note I was watching a programme on TV about people who had lost a loved one in the 9/11 attacks and it made me re-evaluate my whole attitude to what I have lost. My loss is paltry in comparison, and although it seems a huge thing to me I now realise that in the great scheme of things it is not such a big deal and I should get on with my life.
I'm sure at times I will feel down but that is part of what I am, I need to realise that the only person who can bring me out of these dips is me and by trying to be rational about what goes on in my life I can see obstacles for what they are; opportunities to move on in a slightly (or completely) different way and not blockages to rest my head against and wail that I can't get past them and give up.
I've had many experiences in life, both good and bad and I'm still here, so onwards and upwards. With that in mind and after months of havering and wavering I finally found it in me to book my first solo holiday in I don't know how long. I'm going to Las Vegas to do a spot of light gambling, watch a couple of shows and live a little. It's been too long living vicariously through others, my life is my own and I intend to live it, anyone who wishes to join in can do so but I refuse to allow myself to be brought down any longer.

“We cannot change the cards we are dealt, just how we play the hand.” 
― Randy Pausch, The Last Lecture 

Per Ardua Ad Astra my friends. Peace and Love x

Bank Holiday Monday.

This must be the best weather we have had on a Bank Holiday since I don't know when. I've cut the grass and done some washing and thought about what to do next so here I am.
The thing about being a singleton on holidays of any kind is that you can do exactly as you please without having to worry about what anyone else wants to do. That is why I'm sitting in my house with a glass of wine whilst the sun cracks the flags outside writing this when I could be out enjoying myself at any number of shows, festivals and activities being run this weekend throughout the county. The point is that attending anything like these things of which I speak on one's own is not much fun. You could say that I might bump into friends who are also out and about but the bet is that they will be with a partner and don't want a third wheel bouncing along behind, getting in the way.
You might also tell me that I may come across the next significant other in my life, to which I reply, dream on, no-one wants a fat fifty four year old baldy bloke cluttering up their life. Having said that of course there is an answer to that predicament or at least part of it. I can do nothing about my age, that is a given, I can't really do much about the baldy bit either since I have no intention of having a hair transplant or wearing an 'irish'; so what's left I hear you cry? Get rid of the flab is my reply.
How am I going to do that? Well as I really don't like going to the gym and regret the money I spent on membership I've changed my plan of campaign and rescued my push-bike from storage and am going to have it refurbished to start riding it again. I've identified a route which is not too arduous and doesn't have much traffic on it to start with and will ride this circuit a couple of times a week until the nights cut in too much.
I'm also going to start exercising in the house which is something I can do any time regardless of the weather and I won't have to go leaping around in public which I really detest.
The other strand is to cut down my drinking by only going out at weekends and not drinking in the house. My eating habits are pretty healthy, mainly fish and chicken, combined with rice or pasta and a lot of fruit so that isn't really an issue. I'll have to cut down on bread and ice cream but apart from that I think I have the food front sorted. Cut out the excess drink and the weight should drop off.
So that is my new master plan to lose weight, it may not get me a life-partner but at least I'll feel better in myself and be comfortable in my clothes, something I haven't felt in a while. Wish me luck, and ttfn.

Why...

...do I follow Newcastle United? I have followed the fortunes of Newcastle United (NUFC) for as long as I can remember and have only two or three times in probably 45 years of following them received any sort of joy or fulfilment from the activity. The winning of The Inter Cities Fairs Cup in 1969 and two or three promotions were the highlights whilst relegations from the top flight and two or three disastrous FA Cup Final defeats have been the low points. The rest of the time has been spent in agonised mediocrity hoping and praying for better times.
It seems no matter how good a player is when he signs for NUFC his talent or fitness deserts him and he falls into mediocrity only to be transferred to another team when he suddenly regains form and fitness and starts ripping up railway tracks for fun.
Every season is the same, nothing happens on the transfer market, no decent players are bought and we are assured that this crop of players plus 'the youngsters coming through' will be good enough to take the league by the scruff of the neck and win it by a mile, or if not at least qualify for Europe which then becomes next season's excuse for failure and escaping relegation by the skin of their teeth, or not as the case may be.
It is an addiction, I stopped attending matches a few years ago when the price became prohibitive and the few games I have been to were the usual mix of ineptitude and big talk ending in defeat caused by the poorness of the officials or the fact that the wind was blowing or a helicopter flew over the ground or a dog ate the star strikes kit so he had to play in his underwear or some other piffle to cover the fact that neither the management or the team are good enough to cut the mustard.
I watch on TV now and still the mediocrity carries on, these lot need reminding that they should be passing to the chaps in the same coloured shirts as them and that short sharp passes are much preferable to thirty yard 'money shot' passes which invariably go nowhere. Also it may be worth the team remembering that the idea is to get the ball in the net between the goalposts not to hit a bloke eating a pie in Row Z.
No matter what though, much as I've tried to ignore the results, I can't stop caring about how they get on. For better or worse they are my team and I can't let go.
ttfn

Sunday night 10.30 pm

Well I'm sitting here at 10.30 on a Sunday night with the tv off as there's nothing I want to watch contemplating where to go from here.
I just agreed another 6 months rental on my current place from September which has made me think about the future. I'm trying not to plan too far ahead but I think it is sensible to have at least an outline plan of where I want to be when the 6 months is up next March.
I would like to stay around here I think because it is a lovely place to live as I've said on many occasions and also the prospect of moving again doesn't fill me with joy.
The landlords have said that at some stage they will want to sell this place so I've said I would like them to give me first refusal when they do. I will need now to plan the financial side of things so it will be wise I think to get hold of my financial adviser at the bank sooner rather than later to see what options are open to me.
When they sell I could of course just look for another rental which is something I may have to do but I suppose I am worrying a bit much too soon. Having said that I don't want to end up looking for somewhere with a short deadline in front of me.
Decisions, I hate them and I get the feeling I'm over-thinking the whole situation a bit and need to relax. The ideal option would be to find a partner to help out with all the emotional and financial hurdles life throws up but I'm not sure I'm ready for that yet. I ought to be since Madame has made her move into a new life without me so sitting around like a shag on a rock waiting for her to come home isn't an option.
Time to put all that down to experience and move on. So if there are any ladies out there who wltm a chunky, bald, writer, blogger, reluctant civil servant please feel free to drop by.
On that note, which is the first time I have genuinely contemplated moving on from the thrall of Madame I will be off to read my book.
Peace and Love. ttfn

Racism is alive and well.

I was in a bar last night and heard the following statement made 'I was in town today and the place was swarming with them, acting like gangsters swaggering around with their baseball caps on backwards. Send them home'. The 'them' referred to were black and Asian kids.
The speaker knew nothing of the background of these people and was basing his opinion purely on the colour of their skin. It was all said so casually and others present were agreeing so readily that it is clear to me that racism is alive and well.
I know I should have said something but I'm a coward and didn't speak up and am thoroughly ashamed of myself.

http://allpoetry.com/poem/8601069-First_They_Came_For_The_Communists-by-Martin_Niemoller

At least it's warm rain.

I thought I would look on the bright side. Although the sun has gone for now, the rain is warm and England has retained The Ashes. I hope it is dry tomorrow though, I'm going to work in London until Thursday and really would like to stay dry getting to and from the station at both ends.
In other news, my poorly foot has been confirmed as being caused by Plantar Fasciitis ( http://www.nhs.uk/Conditions/heel-pain/Pages/Introduction.aspx ) for which the physio has advised me to rest and exercise it. That may sound contradictory but I need to keep the weight off it and do some stretches to ease the ligaments which are thickening and becoming tight. I sincerely hope it works as I'm getting a bit sick of the discomfort when I walk. The physio also suggested insoles in my shoes to help even out the weight distribution when I walk.
I have been struggling over the last few days again with moderate mood swings relating to my singleton status. Nothing too severe, just an occasional dip when I miss the companionship I used to enjoy with Madame. On the other hand that was absent for the last couple of years as we both retreated into our shells and she found solace online with the man she is now marrying. It galls me sometimes to think that without his involvement we might have had a better chance at saving the marriage. Having said that had I had the sense to ask for a different relate counsellor we may have sorted ourselves out as well. Anyway what's gone is gone and we must move on because what might have been wasn't and as the old saying goes 'if your aunt had balls she would've been your uncle'
I like writing my thoughts down in here as I know a couple of people read my maunderings; it helps to get my feelings out in the open and stops me from dwelling. Someone suggested I write a private blog, just for myself but I think I prefer it this way as there may be someone who reads what I'm writing who is in a similar situation and can maybe get some solace from knowing they are not alone.
Anyway, that's all for now. Peace and Love, ttfn

How angry? Very angry.

A Conservative Peer has said today ( http://news.sky.com/story/1122219/lord-howell-frack-in-desolate-north-east ) that fracking ( http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hydraulic_fracturing ) should be carried out in desolate areas like the North East to avoid any kind of threat to the rural environment.
Now last time I looked I am living in a rural environment which is one of the loveliest places I know, surrounded by countryside less that 3 miles from a glorious beach and within 20 minutes drive of the Northumberland National Park and Lindisfarne. Castles, country walks, beaches, lovely small market towns abound in what must be one of the finest places to live in the UK if not the World.

For example:
Look here: http://www.northumberlandnationalpark.org.uk/
Or here: http://www.visithadrianswall.co.uk/
How about here: http://www.lindisfarne.org.uk/
Or perhaps here: http://www.alnwickcastle.com/
Then of course there's here: http://www.alnwickgarden.com/
Not to mention here, the first house in the world to be lit by electricity: http://www.nationaltrust.org.uk/cragside/
and that is just Northumberland. For brevity I have not linked to Durham Castle and Cathedral, the Wear and Tees Valleys, The North Yorkshire Dales, The Pennines, Whitby, Scarborough, need I go on?

I hope I have I made my point.

Finallly; I will forbear from making any comment on the Noble Lord who made this statement in case my anger at what he has said should lead me into choppy waters. I think following the links above should dispel any misapprehensions anyone may harbour as to the desolation or otherwise of the North East of England.
ttfn

Update 3 August 2013: apparently he meant the North West. So that's all right then!

When alls said and done...

...I still like America and most of the Americans I have met have been kind and welcoming. I am not going to allow my recent experience to sour my opinion since the vast majority of the interactions I have had with Americans have been positive. I am not talking politics here, I am talking on a one-to-one basis they have been fine and the country itself is in the most part much like anywhere else I've been, it has its good, bad and dangerous areas. You just need to be sensible and don't do anything silly or visit the dodgy parts just like you would at home.
I hope to be able to continue to visit the States when finances allow and visit some places I've never been to. I'm thinking of going to either Savannah GA of San Francisco CA for a week in November. I'll procrastinate for a while longer then decide once I work out how much it will all cost when spending money and kitty kennels are factored in. I am a little wary of going on my own but I travel a lot alone anyway and have been abroad alone before so it really shouldn't be too bad. I just hope I can come home with a Southern Belle or a California Girl, who knows? Stranger things happen at sea.
Anyway, off for a glass of wine now to wash down my Cincinnati Chilli, so ttfn.

I am trying really hard....

...to be positive and move on with my life.  I moved from the old place, albeit under duress and am really doing my best to make a new life for myself and to put the past behind me. This is proving more difficult than I hoped. There is something in my nature which will not allow me to let go when I feel that something has ended which could have been saved.
The problem I have is that I still feel that the mistake we made was to continue with the counsellor at relate who took sides rather than ask for a different person to deal with. She reinforced Madame's arguments and rather than try to come to a compromise which we could have built upon she allowed Madame to use this validation of her arguments as a stepping stone to getting out of the marriage.
I really should move on and get on with my life, it is hard as I have said to do that when I feel that an injustice has been done.
I give up.

How much rain?

It is absolutely throwing it down with rain just now so I have decided to put my gym and storage jaunt on hold. I am not getting drenched for the sake of a bit of sweating and sorting.
On a different note it's an interesting thing that now I'm considering whether to search out the third Mrs Hall (have I given up all hope of reconciling with Madame? I don't know, the jury is still out on that I think)  I'm still hoping to come across another American, or perhaps a Canadian. I don't know what it is about American women that attracts me, they just seem to be that little bit different and I can't quite put my finger on what it is. Anyway, this train of thought will probably end up with me wandering through a minefield of sexism so suffice to say I don't know if I can ever find one but another American wife would suit me just fine. I'll have to make sure I travel to America as often as I can and have my charm transmitters turned to full.
Of course, just to clarify, I have no illusions about my attractiveness and I'm not saying women will fall at my feet, far from it. I'm just expressing the hope that Mrs Hall III will be from North America. And although I very much doubt it, I wouldn't rule out Madame being both Mrs Hall II and III, stranger things happen. But don't worry, I'm not hanging my hat on that unlikely eventuality, it is just another figment of my fevered imagination. Also bear in mind that there was nearly 20 years between the first two Mrs Hs so as I'm currently 54 there may not be a number 3 if that form continues.
Anyway, enough of that, as the rain flings itself down and the wind gets up I'm off to get some breakfast. Well that was lovely, you can't beat a fried egg sandwich on a Sunday morning, well you can but I wouldn't recommend it, think of the mess.
The rain isn't easing up any which means a stay-indoors day is definitely on the agenda. Research into farming in 1860's Ohio looks a good bet for later after the papers have been read. So off to the paper reading and research, ttfn.

Saturday.

I was going to cut the grass today. I'm not now because I had a look and with the warm weather it has hardly grown so I'll leave it for a bit and maybe do it one night in the week. I did pick some new potatoes which I'll have for Sunday dinner with whatever I can find in the freezer.
I have moved The Story on by another 600 words this morning. Bob and Helen are now married and about to start farming near Cleveland OH. I need to have a think about how to make this interesting until they move further West. Some research into the trials and tribulations of Ohio farmers in the 1860's is on the cards I think.
I may have a stroll over the road for an hour in a bit to have a restorative beer or two, come back for tea and then go out again. I don't want to drink too much because I want to go the gym early tomorrow and also to the storage unit to see if I can bring some of the stuff out either to use or dispose of. It's costing me money so I need to start emptying it so that I can relinquish it sooner rather than later.
Anyway, off for an ice lolly now to help cool me down.
ttfn

It's still Warmsville man...

Another day of lovely warmth and sunshine. The trouble is a chap could get used to this and it's going to be difficult when the inevitable happens and we return to the cold and damp of Winter.
With that in mind I'm planning to take a trip in November to somewhere warm, probably San Francisco if I can get my lazy butt in gear. This will be the first proper break I've had since I don't know when because all of my holidays have been taken up this year with moving house and getting rid of junk from the old place before I moved out and into my new abode.
The warm sunny weather is certainly a mood lifter and although I do still hanker occasionally for Madame to come home I am certainly nearer to coming to terms with moving on without her. When I think about her now it is with an ambivalent attitude, I liked her company but she wasn't the easiest person to live with at times. Nor was I mind you but we seemed less and less able to compromise over the last couple of years of our marriage and I still think that going to Relate was a bad move in that I felt the counsellor was partial towards Madame and seemed not to be as disinterested as she should have been.
That of course is all in the past now and I am currently trying to make a new life for myself either alone or with a new partner depending upon what fate decides my future should hold.
I am also going to make a concerted effort over the next few weekends to go to the storage unit each Sunday and clear out at least two boxes per trip and bring to the shed any residual gardening gear that is still down there. I must get into a position soon that means I can store what remains here and relinquish the unit which is costing money I shouldn't need to spend.
I am going to go back to the gym from Sunday, bad foot or not so that I can kick-start my weight loss programme which has stalled badly over the last couple of months. I need to lose three or four stones by next April and sitting on my rear drinking beer won't allow that to happen. My mid-year resolution, less beer, more exercise and 13 stone by April.
So on that note I will stop and have a cool drink (not beer).
ttfn.

It's warmsville man...

This has been a splendid month weather-wise. We have had consistent warmth and a good amount of sun. July should be like this. I can't believe it is only a couple of months ago that I was sitting in front of a roaring fire swaddled in a blanket whilst eating porridge (in May!). That time will come again no doubt as winter draws on but really we should enjoy this July weather and hope for more like it in August. There's an Ashes series to be won and we need fine dry weather for that to happen.
I'm 'working at home' today although in reality I'm merely staring blankly at page after page of training material whilst gently cooking in the humid air in my front room.
I'm also going to spend half my life at the Health Centre in August, well about an hour and a half what with a physio appointment for my bad foot and a blood pressure test. I hope that my foot can be sorted and that my blood pressure is low enough to allow me to come off the blood pressure tablets. I take so many pills these days what with blood pressure, gout and cholesterol I rattle when I walk (or limp currently)!
I've been having some really good interactions with the folks in Toggy Club plus my Twitter and Facebook contacts lately which has helped me through the mood dip brought on by Madame's marriage news. I'll probably have another when the event takes place, if it hasn't already, but at least I know who my friends are.
Most of those I 'speak to' on Twitter and Facebook I actually know and have met so I know there are real people out there who care about my welfare, which is very gratifying and helps my mood no end, even though I rarely see most of them from one year's end to the next.
Having to sell up and move was the best thing to happen to me for a long, long time and although I was unwilling to do it at first I now realise that it was the right thing to do and my mood has improved as a consequence. So thanks to Madame I hope to be able to move onwards and upwards, taking each day as it comes.
Once again Per Ardua Ad Astra has proven to be very apposite.
TTFN

Is it only Wednesday?

This has been a long week. I'm in my hotel in Liverpool cogitating upon my lot in life with a couple of rum and cokes. It appears I am surrounded at every turn by happily married people or couples who seem to be getting along fine. I feel like a sad desperate old singleton cast adrift on a sea of solitude.
All I would like is a happy relationship with a partner whom I can share my time, someone to come home to after work and chew the fat with, someone to go down the pub with and to snuggle up with at bedtime. Not much to ask is it?
But here I am, feeling sorry for myself, alone in the world (mostly) with no-one special to do all the aforesaid things with. I had it for a while but now its gone and man, do I miss it.
Still, who knows what the future holds?
ttfn

A decision made.

A short note before I go off to work this morning.
My subconscious mind has been working on me overnight and has led me to the decision that I really should let Madame get on with her life and I should get on with mine. I cannot influence her to come home because she has made up her mind and is very stubborn once that has happened. The more I push her to give up her new plans, the more she will forge ahead with them. Any more arguments from me will only alienate her and whatever the situation I still care about her and don't want that to happen.
I hope she can be happy but I still harbour the desire that she could be happy with me. As I have said though that is not in my power to make happen just now so I have to let go. Any hope I have of her coming home will have to be put away and left to be achieved at her pace. I will keep her updated with news from home but apart from that will keep my distance and hope that time will heal.
Off to work now.
ttfn

What am I going to do II, the sequel.

I still cannot believe that Madame is marrying again so soon especially as I have said before I thought this whole palaver was a temporary, if long term glitch which we could get past and eventually put behind us.
I suppose I must move on though, it isn't worth me spending any more time or emotion on what now looks to be a failed relationship. No matter how much I want it to be resurrected I cannot see it being so unless madame comes back after this latest foray into marital bliss fails. Not that I wish her ill, that is just my take on the whole saga.
I am up and down like a hotel lift when I think about how, with a little more communication and flexibility on both sides we could have maybe steered the ship of our marriage away from the rocks of divorce. Still, that ship has sailed, the past has gone and all the 'what ifs' in the world can't change what has gone before. Forward is the only option; either into happiness or a lonely old age, who knows, the future is a foreign country into which we travel like a car driving through fog on the motorway, no-one knows what is ahead until they hit it. The trick is not to hit too hard and survive to enjoy the consequences.
The last two years have been dreadful and many times a combination of cowardice, the fact that I have the kitties to look after and the thought that Madame and I might reconcile has kept me on this earth. I saw a cartoon in a magazine the other day which brought home the fact that where there's life there's hope. A man had just kicked away the stool on which he had been standing with a rope around his neck when the telephone loudspeaker came on with his wife saying 'Darling, I've won the lotto and want to reconcile' That epitomises why I could never take that ultimate step, it only takes a second for things to improve and if you are gone there's no coming back.
On that happy note I will close and say that I plan to hang on in there and hope for things to improve. I've been through worse than this and have come through the other side so wish me luck and Per Ardua Ad Astra.
ttfn

What am I going to do?

I'm writing this in something of a state of shock. Madame has informed me that she is going to marry again. I'm shocked because I had thought that we were apart temporarily, maybe for a while, but temporarily until we could sort out our differences and reconcile. That would appear to be a non-starter and I have now to change focus and make a life without the hope of she and I getting back together.
It is going to be hard starting off again at 54 after 11 years of being with her. I know many people go through these kinds of situations all the time and I had half-reconciled myself to her never coming back, this new development though has really knocked me for six. It's difficult because I don't feel I have anyone to talk to about it all so I have to go out to the club and take comfort from the company available there. I can't really talk to anyone there though because I don't know anyone well enough to burden them with my problems.
I fear a fall back into a depression triggered by this turn of events and still have a storage unit plus a room here full of stuff, much of it hers which I was dealing with as I thought she would come back, but now what? It's all getting a bit much and I fear a relapse.
Maybe I will meet someone who can help me through this but I don't know who this mythical being will be or where I will meet them. Life really does have a way of smacking a chap in the chops. I really thought that when Madame and I married that was it and we would spend the rest of our lives together. What am I to do?
Anyway, I'm going to stop now before this turns into a ramble. ttfn

Progress

Well that's the old American bed gone to the tip, I'm sad to see it go but there was no room for it here and no one wanted it so to recycling it went. I'm making progress on the lumber room and soon I'll be able to bring boxes from the storage unit and get rid of that, thereby saving me £60 or so a month.
With the washing on, a chilli cooking, the shopping done and a bit of light hoovering completed I'm having a well deserved beer before doing my finances.
I will of course be having more well deserved beers after that.
TTFN

It's Thursday

Well I've been back from my Glasgow trip a couple of days and have been delivering a course at work. I'm knackered and still have another day to go, it is a very dry subject that I'm trying to put across and the poor trainees have lost the will to live. Still, not long now and they are free. I have to keep delivering the blooming thing on a regular basis. It is hard to keep interest levels up for the trainees (and me!) but I do try my best.
I have to say that GT&tDs were very good, it was a bit strange at the end though, he just sort of finished, no encore, he just went off the stage, everyone got up and wandered out. Still very good though. The support were OK but the drummer drowned out the rest of the group. Sack the sound engineer!
The trip did help me get back on somewhat of a more even keel after the weekend. So let's hope I can maintain my progress, 1 step back and 2 forward is a good way, better than the other way round.
I am off now for some nuts and raisins and to try and stay out of the club, no beer tonight or else my diet will never take off.
TTFN.

I'm on the train.

So here I am on board the train on my way to Glasgow for the night to see George Thorogood. I have been looking forward to this for months, ever since my pal and I saw the gig advertised and decided we needed to see him perform.
I really hope this will help move me back onto the front foot after the hiccup over the weekend when the realisation that Madame may be gone for good hit me.
I should accept that she has gone away and is unlikely ever to return. I have finally stopped wearing my wedding ring which is a sign that I may be heading towards acceptance of the reality of the situation and to stop deluding myself. The trouble is I find it very difficult to accept that my last chance of happiness may have gone for good.
Anyway, I hope GT can give me a leg up to improve my mood again after the weekend.
TTFN

A thought...

...just struck me as I was posting that last blog entry. I am laying out all my emotions on here for the world to see. I hope it isn't too boring or pathetic for anyone who comes across what I write.
I try to be entertaining when I can but also find it very cathartic to get these thoughts out my system in the absence of anyone to talk to about my fears and worries.
Anyway, just a thought.
TTFN

Madame has gone.

Well, Madame has gone after her short stay over the weekend on her way to her meetings in Belgium.
I have to say Sunday was the worst I have felt about the split and divorce in all the months since she first left.
I had hoped she might have softened a bit towards coming home and when I realised she isn't as close to doing it as I imagined all the emotion came flooding in and the thought that we may never get back together hit me full on.
It was a tough day.
Today is a new day however. I have to pick myself up and start again, still hoping for a reconciliation but knowing it will not be as soon as I would have liked, if at all.
TTFN

Madame is here

Well Madame is here. We've been through a few movers boxes and sorted out another load of stuff to be disposed of. It is good to see her but things are still not the same between us. I doubt they ever will be again, at least we are still friends though I wish we could get past our previous differences and start afresh with a blank canvas.
Her being here has brought back all the feelings of dreading her departure and that emptiness that results in her going. She says she will be back in October of if not then, in December but I really wish she would just come home to stay so we can move forwards together.
This is all wishful thinking on my part of course. I doubt that she will ever come back for good. I still hope that she will though.
I can feel myself teetering on the brink of falling into another depression, I'm on the verge of tears as I write. I hope that my trip to Glasgow tomorrow and Tuesday to meet up with my pal and to see George Thorogood will help improve my mood. I don't need to be falling back, I have made so much progress in the last 3 months with my mood improving and feeling so much more optimistic that I couldn't handle having to pick myself up and start again.
I am under no illusions that Madame will take a while to come around to my way of thinking, if she ever does, but patience is a virtue and as long as we keep our lines of communication open there is always hope of a reconciliation.
Still, I mustn't wallow in self-pity. I have to be positive and accept that I must enjoy my life as best I can and not rely on Madame coming back to make me happy. I must live as if she isn't and keep the hope that she might on the back burner. I cannot fixate on her coming home.
On that note I will take my leave of you dear reader and will keep you posted (whether you want me too or not) of developments.
I live in hope, TTFN

Home Town Worship.

I was until recently living in the village where I was brought up. It is a pleasant place with a section of Hadrian's Wall running through it, a couple of pubs some small shops and a filling station. A village like many others, a dormitory for some, their whole existence for others with the majority of the residents falling somewhere in between.
I lived there for the first 19 years of my life before moving away to the South East of England to work. I was away for 9 years and for all of that time there wasn't a day where I didn't wish to be back 'home'. This attitude really did me no favours, I was always agitating to travel back up North for short and long breaks and never missed an opportunity to say how much I hated where I was and wished to be somewhere else. It cost me my first marriage, this attitude and also held me back at work because I was never fully committed to my job, I always had part of my mind on how to 'escape'.
When I did finally get back to the North, I found that the old place I called home had changed, my school friends had moved on, if not physically then mentally and I found myself out on a limb which I didn't climb off for nearly 25 years. I spent most of that time claiming to be happy, back at the old homestead, 'I'll leave this house feet first' was my mantra. How wrong I was. It took the loss of a second marriage, careless I know, to lift the scales from my eyes and realise that my blind dedication to my home village was a cause of many of my problems. I wanted to be a part of a life that had long gone, it wasn't 'my village' any more, if it ever had been. I was forced to sell up and move due to my divorce and start looking for a new place to live and new people to interact with. That move has been a huge benefit to me, my mood has improved and my optimism has finally been allowed to rise to the surface. Things will never be perfect, that is never possible where life is involved but at least the light at the end of the tunnel doesn't have to be a train coming towards me.
I am happy with my choice, albeit originally made under protest which has freed me from the shackles of Home Town Worship and has allowed me to move forward.
Thanks to The Brother for his support and to Madame for forcing my hand I now look at life from a lighter perspective.
Per Ardua Ad Astra and TTFN.

Yet again...

.. I have proof of how lovely American women are. I have just had a splendid Twitter conversation with a fine woman from NC currently residing in PA which started with me translating what my dinner was (haggis, taties and neeps) and moved on to the castles of Northumberland via American cuisine.
It is always great to 'meet' new folks and broaden my horizons by tweeting with people who I would never have contact with without social media.
So, forget the haters and the trolls and celebrate the good things that Twitter brings; new friends and interesting interactions.
Thanks @Jamistarme
TTFN

I've been thinking.

Dangerous, I know but I've worked out why staying where I do now has lifted my mood.
The whole atmosphere reminds me of places where I used to go on holiday as a youngster and where I was happy and enjoying life. It has none of the baggage linked to the old place and so I feel that I am 'allowed' to be happy.
Heddon held me back and dragged me down, I'm glad circumstances forced me to get away and I have Madame to thank for that.
It has been worth all the pain and anguish of the last 2 or 3 years to finally shuck off the shackles that held me down.
Per Ardua Ad Astra was never more apposite.
TTFN

The only trouble..

...with getting up at the crack of dawn on a Saturday is that by midday everything that needs to be done is finished leaving the afternoon to be filled. By 9.30 this morning I'd done my shopping at the supermarket, the butcher, the baker and the post office (the candlestick maker was closed), been to the barbers to have my head dusted, down to the wood this time as its summer and hoovered around downstairs (the house that is, in case your mind had wandered into naughty territory).
All that is left to do now is drink beer and read books. What a dreadful situation to find oneself in. I think I'll have to put some washing on just to feel productive.
I wish my foot would get better, I'm still loath to go to the gym in case I make it worse but the lack of exercise is really stymieing my push towards snake-hippery. I'll give it one more week then go back to the gym and try to do stuff that doesn't involve feet, I'll ask the advice of the coaches down there as to what are the best exercises to do that won't aggravate it.
Anyway, confirmed on the Skype call that Madame will be visiting next week so that will be interesting. Hope it goes well, we'll see I suppose.
Aside from all that I just had the best piece of smoked cod done in milk that I've had in many a year with a couple of slices of fresh brown bread. Healthy and tasty, what more can a chap want? Haggis, taties and neeps tomorrow, chicken with rice Monday and chicken pasta Tuesday. Scrumptious. Anyone would think I was organised.
So now I will put the washing away or up to dry, read a bit and have a couple of beers before an early night seeing as I haven't bothered with my snooze having done some more washing and talked to Madame. I'll need the early night as I will probably be woken at the crack of dawn by Thomas kitty who will be clamouring for his medicine. That may sound strange but he gets his meds in gourmet tuna cat food so clamour he does, spoiled ? Nah.
Right, thats the washing hung up to dry and the dry stuff put away; time to hit the Heineken. TTFN

Well.

I'm sitting here at home with two sleeping kitties next to me wondering what to do.
I have at least a dozen, probably a score of books to read sitting in my 'unread books' bookcase, The Story has stalled so I could try to give it a shove in the right direction, I'm doing a role play at a work training course tomorrow which I ought to remind myself about, I have the script for another one which I need to learn before next Wednesday and a pile of programmes stored on Sky+ which have to be watched. The trouble is I want to do all these things at once which even for the most accomplished multi-tasker would be a bit of a challenge so I have ended up writing on here instead.
I must say that at the moment I am feeling relatively happy, although I have plantar fasciitis in my foot which is giving me a lot of pain and has stalled my gym attendances. This in turn has made my assault on snake-hipped lotharioness a bit more difficult. As I said the other day, I lapsed somewhat over the weekend so I really do need to get my butt in gear and attack the North Face of my lardiness head on.
No alcohol during the week, only a limited amount at the weekend, no snacks other than fruit, keep away from pies, pastries, crisps, ice cream and sweeties and eat a lot more chicken and fish with rice or salad instead of chips or taties should see me heading in the right direction.
I need to lose at least 3 stone by April and would like to be able to fit into some of my 36 inch (or less if possible) waist trousers before then most of which I haven't been able to get into for a long time. This is my aim. Lose the weight and keep it off. Get back to the gym as soon as possible without aggravating my foot and release that snake-hipped lothario which lurks inside this portly old gadgie.
Anyway, now that I've got that off my chest I'll say what I was going to say at the start of the paragraph before last. I am relatively happy just now but I can feel myself hovering on the edge. I spend a lot of time on my own and most of the time I feel quite comfortable with that. Just lately though I have been feeling twinges of that old lonely feeling, even in company which predicts a downward spiral in my mood. I must avoid this. What to do? I don't know yet, I fear that if I try to be too sociable I will come across as needy or pushy but if I don't get out into the social stream I will fall back into that hole I was in after Madame left. That is a place I don't want to go back to.
At least I have a fair bit of travel for work and one leisure trip over the next month or so which will help alleviate the potential black dog arrival and with luck will help me get over myself and become the wacky funster I strive to be. Perhaps that's part of the problem, I should just be myself and not strive to be anything. Someone once said I was the coolest person they knew (Lord knows why) and I wasn't striving then so no more striving and let whatever will be, be.
TTFN

Bit of a blip...

..on the old weight loss programme since I went out and had way more beer than I should have yesterday then proceeded to eat my own weight in pizza as I was 'hungry'. It wasn't hunger at all, it was the beer talking and that is where my weight problem lies. It isn't just the fact that I'll go out and drink too much, it's that when I come back in I commence eating the contents of the fridge.
Still, all is not lost, all I have to do is keep off the beer and if I do have a drink, be disciplined enough to realise that I'm not really hungry and stay away from the food storage areas of the house, or if I'm out in town, Burger King (other burger outlets are available). I'm starting again today and will not have a drink until Wednesday, assuming I meet up with my pal in Belfast. If not, it will be next Saturday at the earliest and I will make sure that I am disciplined with myself and keep the whole thing down to a dull roar.
I will be a snake-hipped lothario by next April! TTFN.

In Town

I'm going to a book launch at 6.30pm today (Thursday) but as usual I'm in town way too early (4pm). Still, what the heck, I can have a couple of beers and sit in the pub writing a few lines on here before I go to the launch.
I would have a stroll about town but as I'm supposed to be resting my foot I thought a pub is as good a place as any to do it. The fact that the sun is shining outside makes no odds, I like looking at the good weather but am not that fond of being out in it, I'm more of a cool temperature chap really. As long as it isn't wet or windy.
Still, I'm quite looking forward to this book launch as it will give me a chance to meet a Twitter friend whose book it is being launched and have a look in a bookshop I rarely get into, which is pretty remiss of me really but I'm in the thrall of Waterstone's. Maybe a walk around Blackwell's will broaden my bibliophile tendencies, who knows?
Anyway, I think I'll wander down Northumberland Street and see what's what.
More later, TTFN.
It's Friday. I had my wander via a couple more pubs then on to the book launch which was very good. It was great to finally meet Barbara after all the months of tweeting. I hope we can get together in the not too distant future to discuss my writing aspirations.
Finally left for home about 8ish via another couple of pubs and arrived home 'tired' at about 11pm.
A very good day despite the fact that I can barely walk today as I didn't rest my foot as I should have done. I'll rest it today and hope I can get some gardening done over the weekend and that I won't be in too much pain for my Belfast trip next week.
Thats all for now, TTFN

It's an owee not a booboo.

I have strained the ligaments in my right foot which means resting it until any inflammation goes down. I think it is because I have started training again, in two ways, classroom delivery of training events and at the gym which has put pressure on my foot which wasn't there recently. It may also be because I am carrying to much weight.
I am working on the weight issue and have lost 7lbs over the last few weeks which is moving me in the right direction. The low beer and sweeties, high fruit diet seems to be working so if I can keep it up I should be able to hit my target weight of 187lbs before I go back to the fat clinic next April. I will start going back to the gym once my foot gets better which will tone up the old body and also help with the weight loss process.
Wish me luck. TTFN.

Sunday morning, ten to five.

I was woken at 4am by a combination of Thomas kitty leaping onto the bed and the dawn chorus so I decided it was time to get up and get going. Get going at what I'm not sure of yet but I think my plan so far revolves around going to the storage place to collect a couple of things that I promised my next door neighbour and doing a little light shopping.
I had planned to go to the gym but I have a really painful heel at the moment and until I have seen the doctor about it I don't want to put too much pressure on by leaping around on rowing machines, bikes and treadmills, that would probably do more harm than good.
I am however doing well on the weight loss front merely by cutting my beer intake by 70% and eating more fruit and fewer sweeties. I am down 5 pounds so far and am certainly heading in the right direction.
Anyway, I have just had to break off from writing this to reply to an e-mail from a wine company who tried to take a monthly payment for a wine buying club they run even though I e-mailed them to say I wasn't going ahead with the offer to join.
I have bought wine from them on the odd occasion previously so they had bank card details but I'm glad I didn't change the details on my account when my new bank card was issued a couple of months ago. They have now been informed that I will not be buying wine from them again since they ignored my explicit instructions that I didn't want to take up their offer.
I'm too grumpy to write any more now.
TTFN

Still Spring, still freezing cold.

But that is not what I am writing about today. What I am writing about today is writing, my writing or lack of it.
Many months ago I started writing The Tale, it's about a young fellow who leaves his home in the North East of England for a new life in America. So far the poor lad is stuck in Cleveland, Ohio waiting to propose to his sweetheart and move West to make a new life for himself and, he hopes, his new bride.
The problem is I've ground to a halt and can't seem to motivate myself to get going again. I even started a second tale about an abandoned fishing boat called the Tale of the Mary M but that is still in dry dock as I haven't been able to get this tale afloat either.
I should concentrate on getting Bob West, the hero of The Tale, or West goes West as I've provisionally titled it moving again. I will set a start date and stick by it, writing for half a day at weekends, probably on a Sunday after the gym and lunch. I will reward myself with a beer in the club at the end of each writing session to give me an incentive to do the job and get the first draft of The Tale finished.
That's decided then, I will recommence The Tale on Sunday June 2nd at 2 pm and write until 7pm when I will decamp to the club for a beer, just one though as I'm also on a plan to become a snake-hipped lothario by Wednesday April 9th 2014 which is the date I have to go to the lipids, or as I call it, fat clinic.
I will also try to bore my reader a bit more often on here as well but until my next foray into blogdom, ttfn.

Spring?

This morning I had porridge for breakfast whilst sitting in front of a roaring fire with a blanket over my knees. I'm either feeling the cold more than usual in my old age (54) or Spring has not sprung and Summer has gone on holiday leaving us to be looked after by Autumn.
I remember Spring and Summer, they were those seasons where the sun shone and you could go into the garden with a nice cold drink or perhaps sit down by the sea watching as the waves lapped gently onto a golden sandy beach. These days you have to sit in the house wrapped in blankets by the fire watching the rain lashing the windows whilst clutching a mug of soup.
Where has the good weather gone? Is there an evil weather pixie that has stolen our temperate climate and replaced it with permanent Autumn/Winter? If so please can we have it back if I promise to be good?Another year like the last couple would be just too much to bear so come on Spring/Summer sort yourselves out and do your job!
TTFN

Contact lenses.

I had a try-out of some soft contact lenses yesterday. I've been thinking for ages about whether to get them or not so I decided to go for a free trial. I had gas permeable ones many years ago but could not get away with them. Now there are soft ones which are said to correct astigmatism which they apparently couldn't do before.
I tried a variety of options and although they were all very comfortable none of them gave me the level of eyesight that I achieve with glasses. They all had an element of either blurred vision or a feeling that I was cross-eyed which made me feel uncomfortable, especially with the thought of driving with them in.
The upshot is that I've decided against contacts and have gone for a pair of rimless glasses which are very light and comfortable and should maintain the level of sight correction I'm comfortable with alongside the added advantage of not having to mess about taking them out every night. It is much easier to fall into bed and stick my glasses on the night-stand than it is to poke around in my eyes for however long it takes to get the darned lenses out.
So that's it, I remain a wearer of glasses and am happy with that.
TTFN