I drink too much.

I must have a dry day today. Since I moved in with The Brother and The Sister-in-Law I have been soaked in booze. I will refrain today and maybe after the New Year celebrations are over I will have a few more dry days.
This will help toward my aim of losing some weight before I go to the Fat Clinic in March to be told off for being obese and drinking too much, both of which are true of course. At least I gave up smoking.
It's time to take steps to get down to my fighting weight of 13st 7lbs, although if you read all the charts I should be even lower than that. If I do go much lower though I start to look ill and people try to help me across the road and suchlike so 13½ st it is.
Not an unreasonable target, and it is somewhere I've been before but I always slide back due to my love of sweet things and beer. More exercise is the answer.
You must realise that I'm talking through my hat and I'm unlikely to do anything like what I'm wittering on about apart from perhaps the dry days around New Year. I say the same things every year. So stuff resolutions, I'm just going to get on with living. As my old pal Horace always said: carpe diem, quam minimum credula postero.
TTFN

Peeking around the corner.

Now is the time that everyone starts to look back at the year just gone, who we have lost and who has been given a knighthood or some such honour in the New Years Honours List.

I, on the other hand am peeking around the corner at the New Year to come. The days of looking back and wishing that things could have been different have to end otherwise I can make no progress.

With that in mind I need to think of what the tenor of this blog should be. I am unsure as to whether the random approach still works or if I should try to write about current affairs. I feel more comfortable with writing what I feel at the time, rather than trying to be 'controversial' or 'edgy' so I am leaning toward carrying on as before. 

I would like to write on here in the style of Garrison Keillor, using a gently humorous approach to chronicle the goings on in the world and my feelings. To try and make people smile or say 'aww how sweet' rather than rant and rile people up.

The world is a troubled enough place without me adding to the trauma, so if it's ok with you I'll try to be whimsical and witty (mostly), rather than angry and ranty (occasionally) and hope to bring a smile to the face of my readers. I hope to bring a few more readers on board as well. It would be good if I could expand the readership, it would make me feel appreciated and be a boost for an ego which has been deflated for longer than I can recall. I pride myself in my modesty* but, as I say a wider audience would be a tonic.

I'll be off now to have a cup of tea before cleaning the bath. The Sister-in-Laws Brother is coming over later so I have to behave and pretend to be civilised.

More later I hope. TTFN.

*An oxymoronic joke there friends.

Well that was Christmas.

Christmas is over and now we look forward to the New Year.
I hope 2013 is better than 2012 (not to mention 2011 and 2010) and that I will have a chance to blog on more interesting things than last year and also to get on with writing my short stories.
Currently I have a young man from the North East of England sitting in Cleveland OH waiting to marry his love and move out West to go and farm in Arkansas or somewhere similar and a former Spanish Civil War fighter, now a priest living in France and contemplating an offer from an old comrade. These poor guys must move on and get to the point before many more suns have risen and set.
It will also be interesting to see where I go from here with my life. Probably best to go with the flow and see where fate takes me rather than push in any given direction.
So look out for more interesting blogs and some finished tales in the next twelve months, or not depending upon what fate has in store.

Merry Christmas

It's Christmas Eve and we've just had a lovely curry made by The Brother and a particularly good sticky toffee pudding made by The Sister-in-Law. We will now be settling down for more wine than is good for us.
I am missing Madame as this is the first Christmas in ten years I will have spent without her but that is the card I have been dealt this year so I will have to make the best of it.
My heart hopes that next year Madame and I might celebrate Christmas together again, my head tells me otherwise but I will go down the road fate takes me.
I wish everyone who celebrates it a very Happy Christmas.
Peace and love. :-)

Get over it.

It makes me sad that nowadays everyone appears to be out for themselves with no thought for their fellow human beings. The house buyers are still messing about and causing me anxiety and stress but apparently I am paranoid and have to get over it. So my depression and stress are merely expressions of my paranoia and bear no relation to reality.
Pah! Off I go to get over it with a sardonic smile on my face.
Merry Christmas.

Grrrr!

So the expected contract exchange today didn't materialise. The person at the buyers conveyancing company wasn't even in the office today, the day they promised the exchange would take place. I am furious. Unfortunately for my solicitor and selling agent my ire can only be channelled through them so they have had the rough side of my tongue today. It really galls me that people can make promises and then not fulfil them. They forget that they are messing with people's lives by their dereliction of duty. If I got my hands on the loon who didn't do their job today the life of that individual would not be worth living. The exchange better take place tomorrow or else there will be hell on!
So, as I said in the post title Grrrr!

So...

...it's 10.45pm, I've had a couple of drinks and I now live near the coast which is something I always wanted to do. I hope that I can find a place around here so that when I move out of The Brother & Sister-in-Law's I can remain close to the sea.
That is not what I want to talk about though. My thoughts are with where I go from here life-wise and who if anyone will be going along with me. I still hanker after keeping Madame in my life but that is something I have no control over. I think my best course is to carry on with day-to-day life and see what happens without my trying to influence anything one way or another.
So as I said yesterday, I am going to carry on and live my life and anyone who wants to join in and tag along for the ride is welcome aboard.

Moved

I am now a resident of Amble, all goods and chattels are in storage until the new house has been bought so all I have to do now is wait on exchange of contracts and completion.
I will of course always be a Heddonlad even though I have left but I hope this move will lead to happier times. I intend to move forward with my life and anyone who wants to join me on my journey is welcome to tag along.

Moving

Friday 14 Dec-Well, I am now at The Brother's and in the process of finalising the packing up ready for everything to go into storage on Monday.
It will be strange for a while being here though living by the coast and having a change of  scenery will be welcome.
I'm not looking too hard at properties to buy just yet, I'm waiting for the house money to come through first just in case I see a place I really like but can't go for it as the money isn't available. I would like to find a place up here in Amble although again it might be a bit expensive so I'll also look at Ashington and maybe Ellington where places are a little cheaper. We'll see. For now I'm going to concentrate on finishing off the packing and getting settled in here.
Saturday 15/Sunday16 Dec- Another couple of days of packing done ready for the big move. I hadn't realised just how much stuff was in the house but it is pretty much ready to go now so when the removal men arrive on Monday we can be doing the last few bits upstairs whilst they start taking out the stuff from downstairs.
Much work has gone into getting to this stage and I cannot thank The Brother enough for all the work he has put in to help me, not only with the packing but also letting me stay with him and his wife, whom I shall henceforth refer to as The Sister-in-Law, until I buy the new Hall Towers.
So now I wait, I wait for the movers, I wait for exchange of contracts, I wait for completion, I wait for the money to clear, I wait to see what Madame is going to do in the future and whilst I wait I worry. I will be able to relax and stop worrying once the first four elements of The Wait have been and gone. The final element is out of my hands so that is not an issue to worry about.
I've said this before but I always thought the previous Hall Towers was an unhappy place; I now need to put any negativity behind me, look forward and try to make a new happier life for myself in mid-Northumberland.
Of course as I am a softy, part of me still hopes that Madame and I can move forward together but since I have no influence over what she does I must allow that area of my life take its course and get on with the parts I can affect.
I will also get back into writing and blogging on a regular basis with the hope and intention of entertaining both myself and any readers who stumble across my ramblings.
So finally; I hope that if I'm spared, this time next year I will be looking forward to celebrating Christmas in a new home.
Wish me luck.

I couldn't...

...possibly allow 12/12/12 to pass without writing something, so here it is.

Something.

I wonder sometimes...

at the way people seem to aim their cars rather than drive them.
It's as if the vehicle is an extension of the ego (for want of a better word) of the driver and they think they are invulnerable. They drive way over a safe speed and bully other drivers by tailgating and overtaking aggressively. They don't take account of the road or weather conditions and rely on luck and the good driving of other road users to avoid carnage.
The car is a mode of transport like any other, it shouldn't be a weapon or a toy and people who drive aggressively should be shot with shit from a short range spread shot shit shooter.

I don't know why I bother.

I wonder sometimes why I bother following the fortunes of Newcastle United. Currently they are losing 1-0 at half time against a team who haven't scored in the league in over 5 hours of play. Yet again an unlucky deflection wrong footing the goalkeeper. They should be murdering teams with the talent they have but time and again they snatch defeat from the jaws of victory.
They have been my team since I was old enough to know what football was and I have followed them through thick and thin but sometimes I wonder why.
Time and again they flatter to deceive but never seem to be able to take it to the next level and win something.
Now I know they've won two Championships in the fairly recent past but in order to do that they had to be relegated first.
I would love for them to use the talent currently at the club, win a few games and bring a trophy back to St James' Park. They are unlikely to win the Premier League this year so avoiding relegation would be a result in that area but they are through to the last 32 of the Europa League and still in the FA cup so lets see if they can surprise us all and win one of those trophies. As ever, we live in hope.
Still whatever happens they are my team and I will follow them as long as I have breath in my body but honestly sometimes I don't know why I bother.

Loneliness redux

Back in August I wrote about loneliness. At that time Madame was in the US considering her position with regard to our marital status and I was feeling pretty low. Things have moved on and since 22 November she and I have been divorced. That is not what I wanted.
You can't have everything you want in life so here we are and I am alone. Whether this is temporary or permanent in relation to Madame is an unknown, however whatever the future brings for our relationship it remains that I am on my own just now and feeling lonesome.
On the upside I will be moving in with The Brother until I can find a new place so at least I'll have a bit of company but yet again I'll be the third wheel. That seems to be my destiny in life, always the odd one out. To me there is nothing lonelier than being in that position. I hate being the odd one out.
I like to try and be as individual as I can. You know, not to follow the crowd but plough my own furrow. That doesn't alter the fact that I need to be in a partnership, to have someone to look after and support whilst being looked after and supported in turn. This being single malarkey is not for me. Having said that I don't know what to do to improve the situation.
What a conundrum. I suppose I'll have to make the best of things and hope that life looks up sooner rather than later.

Sunday morning.

Sorry about the slight delay there, just had to break up a kitty contretemps over a particular spot on the bed which they both wanted to occupy.
Where was I? Oh yes, Sunday morning and I've had my breakfast and am now going to read the papers before going to tackle the packing in the 'office' and do the last few bits that are lying around in the spare bedroom.
I decided upon boiled eggs this morning for breakfast since it has been ages since I had them and they go particularly well with toast slathered in lashings of Lurpak.
I decided that for my last week in the old homestead I would have butter instead of 'healthy' spread. I do like olive spread but sometimes only butter will do and as I'm now past caring I don't think having butter is a major sin.
I am going to keep off the beer today and probably all next week because it is that time of year when the Polis are hot on the trail of drink driving in the mornings as well as at night and you can easily fail a breath test without realising you are still over from the night before.
I find it very difficult to motivate myself sometimes and end up doing everything at the last minute which makes it difficult to relax. What I should be doing is packing stuff instead of writing this and reading the papers, the reading and writing should come after I've achieved something as a reward for work done rather than as an avoidance technique.
So off to do some packing, back later with a sitrep.
Right back for a rest. Two boxes filled and three bags of rubbish in the skip. Progress. Having a break to read a bit more of the paper then back to it. It does feel good to have done something. Mind you it always does, I know it does but still I never learn to do the job at hand then relax rather than do anything but the job at hand and worry about not having done the job at hand. Bit late now after 54 years but you never know, I may be the exception that proves the rule on the old dogs and new tricks thing.
By Jove, I'm knocking doors out of windows here, or is it windows out of doors? Either way, that's the last of the junk removed from the 'office' and three more boxes filled. A couple or three more should see everything from there packed apart from the printer and the broadband router which will be the last things to be done before I move.
Packed the spare bedding up. I'm getting there slowly but surely.
Even I'm getting bored with the reports of the packing progress so I'll stop now and write something more interesting another time.
Just one final thing, I wish I could get rid of this underlying feeling of sadness that is with me constantly just now. Maybe once I move but I just don't know.

I have a full skip.

That didn't take long. I've managed to fill the skip with junk to spare. This afternoon I'm going to have a little relax then fill a couple more moving boxes.
Tomorrow morning I'm going to see if I can squeeze a bit more into the skip then fill more moving boxes so that by Friday all that will need to be packed is the stuff that is being used on a daily basis.
This isn't very exiting but it helps to share my thoughts and gives me an incentive to keep going.
I have said it before but I'll be glad when I'm settled into The Brother's and can start looking for a new home in earnest.
On a lighter note, I have a couple of week-long work trips to Glasgow and Edinburgh on consecutive weeks between 14 and 25 Jan. It just so happens that my pal's band, The Loft Monster is appearing at the Griffin Bar in Glasgow on 19 Jan so I plan to stay over in Glasgow the middle weekend, go to the gig and catch up with him and his wife. It will be a pleasant change to get away and relax after the last 18 months or so which have been awful.

I have a skip.

Today I have a skip. So bacon sandwiches and a bit of cricket then out to the garage and the greenhouse to get rid of the remaining junk. It's a little frosty out there but that doesn't matter. It'll help keep me cool while I'm working.
Once I'm done out there I'll go along to the shop and get some beer to have with my bangers and mash for dinner tonight.
Not much else to say really, I've managed to get past my struggles of Tuesday but it's all still lying at the back of my mind. I need to get a grip and move forward. Let's hope I can once the move is done.

Struggling a bit today.

Madame was back over the weekend. I didn't see much of her, she stayed at an hotel because she said she wasn't sure if the house would be livable with me packing up and so on. Anyway, I saw her for a couple of hours here and there and we discussed a few logistics in relation to what is going on with us and all the stuff that is being stored.
My problem is, I dropped her off at the hotel last night and she said she was flying back to the US early this morning and it feels like I've lost her all over again. I am struggling to cope with the thought that this time she has gone for good apart from maybe a trip back at Easter to sort out some more stored stuff. I really hoped that we could make a shot at working out our problems and having another go at the relationship. We have agreed to see how things go but I still worry.
Now I know you are going to say, you're divorced, she doesn't want to try again, that's why she divorced you so get over it and get on with your life. The sensible side of me agrees with that.
My problem is that the romantic soppy side of me is in the ascendancy and has been for a while. That part of me is saying that you agreed to separate and once the new house was bought she would consider coming back on regular visits and you would travel to see her and the relationship would be gradually rebuilt. Again that is still what we have agreed but my pessimistic side, I have more sides than something with a load of sides but that is another story, is telling me that she is just saying that to keep me sweet while we wait for the money from the house and once that is divided up she'll wash her hands of me entirely.
The more optimistic side, see what I mean about sides, says that she has agreed on loads of occasions that she needs a bit of time to get set mentally and work-wise then she'll be able to relax a bit and look at life more positively and if we can keep calm and carry on and see where fate takes us we'll be fine.
I am torn, my mind is in turmoil and I'm operating on auto pilot. My outward persona is the usual cynical, wise-cracking front that I display to the world. Inside is a whole other kettle of fish, I feel like a lost little boy on the verge of tears all the time. There is a huge lump of sadness sitting in the pit of my stomach.
I feel like the slightest thing will send me over the edge into a full out depression. I certainly don't want that to happen, it is not a fun place to be.
The sooner the money comes through, the move is made and the pressure of packing is done with the better and I can at least move forward with a full out assault on finding a new place. I'm wary of looking too hard in case I find somewhere I really like and lose it because the cash hasn't come through. Still it's all in the hands of the solicitors I've signed what needs to be signed and answered all their questions so I'll just have to wait.
Once I've identified a couple of possibles I should feel a bit better and my mind will be occupied with getting to know the new place and the new people that will bring.
All I really want just now though is my (Ex) wife back on board and that, sadly is out of my control as well.
I can live in hope of things turning out as I wish but that doesn't stop my soppy, depressive and pessimistic sides from being in control just now.
Sorry for the miserable tenor of this post but it has been cathartic to ramble and if anyone has any ideas about how to squash the down sides and bolster the up please feel free to let me know.
It's now 6.45 pm and I have to say I'm feeling a little better than I did earlier. I still wish Madame would come back on board and that the house sale was sorted but both of these things are out of my control and as I said on an earlier blog Carpe diem quam minimum credula postero.

A bit early but wtf

As I’m not sending out Christmas cards this year I would like to wish you all a very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.