Alnmouth Beach

At Alnmouth Beach again. Another lovely sunny morning with the tide in, a few people jogging or walking dogs. A host of sea birds are dive bombing the fish at the mouth of the Aln and the waves are breaking gently on the beach as a light breeze riffles through the grass growing on the sandy shoreline.
It's a beautiful and serene view which makes one realise just how lucky I am to live so close to such a lovely spot. I think when I die I would like to be cremated and have my ashes scattered down here so that my ghost can enjoy this place for eternity.

57 years 10 months 21 days.

I have wasted 57 years and 10 months and 21 days worrying and pretending to be happy and now it's time to get my shit together, as the saying goes.
I'm feeling introspective after the last living link to my old life passed away and now the time has come to stop harking back to a golden age which if it existed at all, didn't exist for very long periods and look forwards. I realise that the answer to my future Happiness and Fulfilment doesn't lie in the past. Although I have no idea yet what that answer is I'm looking and I will find it.
So, where do I go from here? You ask, or actually I ask but never mind. Where is the path? Am I on it and who will be on it with me? At the moment I'm mostly travelling alone and will continue to do so until I'm not if that makes sense. I will plough my own furrow and if someone comes along to help handle the horses all well and good. If not, then alone I will plough.
The first and main things to solve are 'trigger' issues. I need to neutralise the elements in my life that lead to downturns in my mood and are obstacles to my move towards said H and F. I mostly know what they are, I've just never had the mental strength to address them. Stuff lack of mental strength, I will be doing said addressing forthwith.
I will not give importance to things that are not important and stop worrying about every little thing.
I will deal with what I can deal with and let anything I can't deal with sort itself out.
I will remain open and welcoming to anyone who wants to be my friend and ignore negative or unfriendly people.
I will continue with my nocturnal lifestyle until it peters out, or if it doesn't until I do, peter out that is.
I will start taking a morning stroll, weather permitting and enjoy the beauty of the countryside around me.
I have and will continue to cut down on my alcohol consumption and try to keep the smoking down to a dull roar.
I will write more; on here, in poems and short stories.
I will continue to read books and to finish the one I've been writing for the past 6 years.
I will live my life without fear of what others think of me and above all I will be open to new friends and ideas whilst remaining open to old friends and acquaintances who want to join me on the road to H and F.
I think that about covers it for now.
Love and Peace, ttfn x.

A cat died today

A cat died today. 

Not just any cat; Thomas, the cat who had been with me for more than 12 years. He came into my life along with his sister, Abbey around 2004 from the Cats Protection League. My now former wife Karen and I adopted the pair of them and they remained with me when Karen went back to the USA in 2012. Abbey passed away in 2014 leaving just Thomas and me from our little family. Now Thomas is gone and I am sad.

 He was such good company and I will ever be able to replace him. He was the last link to some happy times and memories and was part of some new ones following my move to Broomhill.

I guess all I can do now is remember the good times and keep moving on. There is no point in looking back and wishing things had been different. We are where we are, or more correctly, I am where I am and will have to get on with it.

Thankfully since I'm retired I don't have to worry about going to work if I feel down, I can stay home and be sad if I need to and can be free to go where I like to cheer myself up. Alnmouth Beach better look out!

I suppose some people reading this will thing that I'm a soppy old git, well that is their prerogative. Thomas was a special little guy and I will miss him and all that he represented. 

Writing can be hard, can't it?

I've been thinking with little success about writing a short story. The process brought the poem below to mind:

The Short Story

Who, what, where, when, why?

The writer sits, there's a story to be written

But the ideas won't come.

The canvas is blank, both page and brain.

The characters hide from the writer. They sit

And languish in the subconscious. Waiting to be freed

To move from mind to sheet. The ink in the pen

Waits to be used to bring life to

People who don't exist. Yet. But will soon.

Maybe the short story should be about a poet struggling to write a poem, now there's a thought.

Here's the thing.

I've been to a funeral today (which always makes me feel introspective). It was for an old friend from my home village and I brought me to the conclusion that although on the surface I appear to be generally content with my situation in life there is still a deep-seated sadness within me that I need to exorcise.
I like living where I do just now and am fairly satisfied with life since I retired so I'm not sure what the issue is. Perhaps I need to examine my inner self (for want of a better expression) in order to identify the problem and deal with it. I certainly have the time so why not? The only question is; how?

Hoping

Hoping

Living second to second

Minute to minute

Hour to hour

Day to day.

What has gone is gone

What is to come

Is not here yet.

Living in the moment

Trying to enjoy each instant

And hoping for the best

The EU Referendum

I thought I should write a few words about what was probably the most momentous vote in British history. But I can't.

Meeting 'The One'

I've been thinking, yes I know that's twice this year and I also know it's a dangerous thing but I've been doing it anyway and I've reached a conclusion. The conclusion is that I'm not cut out to be in a relationship.
Why's that? You ask. And I'll tell you.
Much as I would wish it to be different I realise that I am pretty much of a loner, not anti social just more comfortable on my own, this avoids disappointment and sadness. Part of the reason for this realisation I reckon is that as a fat four-eyed child/adolescent I was never attractive to girls/young women and so I relied on my wit and charm to make friends and get a girlfriend, which is fine as far as it goes but one does tend to be either the 'friend' or the weird one, never boyfriend material. As I grew into portly adulthood the subtraction of hair didn't help the cause so I became the funny guy who always, or more often than not, went home alone and I gradually became comfortable with my own company and developed a self deprecating manner, a 'oh it doesn't matter' attitude and put up a somewhat austere, until people get to know me, wall around me.
Now that doesn't mean I don't like the company of other people it's just that I think that I've become so set in my ways that it will be impossible to find someone who would have the patience to take me on, on a deeper level and to break down the wall that has built up, or more correctly that I have erected around me over the years should she be daft enough to want to give it a try.
Now I'm not saying the person doesn't exist who could be 'The One' and it would be delightful if such a person came along with their metaphorical sledge hammer and managed to break through, all I'm saying is that I have reached a stage of acceptance of who I am and have reconciled myself with the life I have.
I'm not sad or lonely and I have plenty of social interaction both real and online so I'm not really sure what the point of writing this is. Probably because it came into my head and I thought I would share.
And on that note I'll fizzle out and say ttfn.
Peace and Love x

Some words

The soldier

A cold wind blew in from the sea as Private X huddled into his padded jacket and drew his fur hat further down over his ears.

Why was it that he always seemed to pull the cold dark watch? Sitting waiting for an enemy that threatened his Country and all it stood for. 

Private X was a patriot, he wouldn't be standing here if he wasn't. He and all his comrades were volunteers who had rushed to the colours to defend their homeland from the evil that was coming.

His watch neared its end, soon he would be back in the warm guardhouse; then a shot. No warm guardhouse for Private X. No more watches in the cold dark hours, No more defending his home. No more anything.

Blank Canvas

The blank canvas of the day

Lies before me like an open plain

Inviting me forward

Into another day where

The possibilities are endless

Words

Words, words, waves of words

Falling in a jumble onto the Shore

Of the page once blank

Now awash with words which

Trickle down to become sentences

To make sense and become

A poem or a story

No longer just words

But a sensible group to entertain

Or shock, or both

Still thinking

Sundays were always been a day I found difficult to deal with. This was the day when I would sit and dread the coming week, school or work loomed up on the near horizon beckoning me on for another week of unhappiness. Looking back I can recall only one day when I felt truly happy. It was a day during the school Summer holidays in 1976. It was a lovely sunny day and I was walking along the road from our house going nowhere in particular and the thought entered my head that I had absolutely nothing to worry about. I had no responsibilities and my whole life was laid out in front of me like a blank canvas ready for me to decorate as I pleased. Things didn't turn out as I hoped on that day. Within 10 years I was living away from home with a failed marriage behind me and a job I couldn't do well and any emotional support I needed hundreds of miles away. I still look back on the 9 years I spent in Southend with regret, tempered only by the few good friends I made whilst I was there and without whom I reckon my life would have fallen apart completely. Still,  one shouldn't dwell on the past even though I have managed to make the same mistakes on a regular basis which leaves me where I am today. Without the mistakes I've made over the years I wouldn't be sitting where I am today, in a pleasant flat in a beautiful part of the world, newly retired from work and a fresh blank canvas in front of me, the prospect of a new life beckoning. Funny how things turn out isn't it? My main problem was always bottling up my thoughts and over-thinking every little thing. This blog has solved the bottling up element and I've certainly reduced my thinking to the bare minimum, taking each day as it comes, dealing with what can be dealt with and letting fate (for want of a better word) take care of the things I can't control. Now all I need is to meet my new life-partner in a bookshop somewhere and away we go.
Peace and Love, x ttfn

Thinking

I've been retired now for a couple of weeks and it's great. The freedom to do what I like when I like is marvellous and has lifted my mood no end.
There are times though when I realise that pretty much everything I do I do alone. Now I'm quite happy with my own company and I'm not complaining, it's just occasionally it would be nice to have a significant other to share things with.
I'm not looking for a wife or even someone to live with, just someone special with whom I can share my thoughts and they can share theirs with me.
I thought I had found such a person not so long ago but my long distance relationship with her didn't work out.
So I will carry on alone until she comes along, a person whom I can visit and who can visit me and in the intervening times can communicate online. These days one doesn't have to live in the pocket of the person you are with, just know that they are there to chat and would be happy to meet when time and funds allow.
Anyway enough of this navel gazing, back to being retired and on to finishing The Tale.
Maybe my next post will be about my new long distance relationship, let's hope so. Until then, peace and love. ttfn

This post has no title

St George's Day today and also the date on which William Shakespeare was born and died. Speaking of writing, I just sat down to try and write a few more words of The Tale but nothing came to mind, zilch, nada, nowt. Still if I sit down each day I'm sure something will come. After all this is my job now and nobody said writing was easy so I'll just keep plugging away.
That's all I have to say today so until the next exciting instalment I say ttfn.

Peace and Love x

18 days...but I'm not counting.

In 18 days from today I will start my pre-retirement leave culminating in my early retirement on 29 April. From that day forward I hope to spend the rest of my days finishing The Tale, writing some more poems (maybe even learn some of the rules of writing proper poetry) and reading all the books that are piled up on my 'to read' stack. I also hope to throw in a bit of travel when finances allow. Oh, and learn Dutch.
I also hope to blog a bit more and try to chronicle the progress of The Tale as I plod on to the end. I can't promise it will be a magnum opus but I hope that if it ever gets out to a wider audience it will entertain those who read it.
By freeing myself from the daily grind I hope to be able to relax and settle down to a writing routine. The poems will continue to come when they come, each one has been produced on a whim, when something has sparked an idea which just flows rather than me sitting down with the intention of writing a poem.
So there you have it, no major plans other than a total shift of lifestyle, wish me luck.
Peace and Love. ttfn x

A poem

A Weekend thought

The dull dead hand of the weekend

Lies heavy on my solitary soul

The hours drag by with no light

At the end of the tunnel.

No, wait!

The club opens in five short minutes

A beer and a chat livens the day

That's all right then.

Phew!

The Great Day

The Great Day

The Great Day creeps

Like a snail up a hill

I would like it perhaps

To break into a jog

Towards a time when 

Books can be read 

And written

travel undertaken

And the chains cast off

Dangling Albert-A cautionary tale.

Albert clung to the ledge by his fingertips wondering why he had thought this climbing trip to the Lakes had seemed such a good idea.
It all began over a glass of rum one fine Spring evening when Albert had decided that he would benefit from a bit of exercise. Now when I say a glass of rum I don't mean a glass of rum; what I mean is best part of a bottle, Albert not being a chap inclined to do things by half. In fact the only halves Albert drank were the top halves of pints on his way to the bottom of the glass. Anyway, I digress; there was Albert sitting in his local contemplating his total lack of fitness and thinking that some fresh air and exercise would be just the ticket. The last time Albert had taken any exercise had been sometime in the last Century, the last Millennium in fact so to say that he was not at the peak of his fitness would be something of an understatement.
He decide therefore that a walk in the Lakeland Fells would be a good start. Now, any sensible person in Albert's state would have started off gently and progressed to greater things a little at a time. We aren't, however talking about any sensible person we are talking about Albert. So foregoing a stroll along the beach and perhaps a wander up a small Lakeland Fell Albert went straight to the point and decided upon Helvellyn as his starter.
Weeks passed, howdy weeks, and Albert was still in contemplation mode until finally gently spurred or shall we say goaded by the gentle ribbing (merciless abuse) of his drinking companions he finally bit the bullet and named the fateful day. Not that he imagined that it would be fateful at the time. So on the dull Saturday of an August Bank Holiday weekend Albert climbed into his rusty van and set off on his adventure, Albert pulled into the car park of a pub at the foot of his target and decided that he deserved some light refreshment before his trek commenced. This light refreshment consisted of three pints of Old Peculier which one might think is a very peculiar light refreshment for someone who a) was undertaking the first steps of his new fitness regime, b) had driven to his destination and was planning on driving back and c) was about to attempt one of the hardest fell walks in the Lake District and one would be correct.
Suitably refreshed off our hero went in his ancient walking gear of 30 year old boots and equally venerable walking trousers and flannel shirt. We might note at this point that Albert had decided to forgo such frivolities as a coat, map, compass, food or water considering that they would only slow him down.
Albert sauntered the half mile from the pub to the fell feeling highly encouraged by his light refreshments and the thought of his new regime getting off to such a good start. This mild euphoria lasted until he rounded a bend and came slap bang up to what appeared to Albert to be the North Face of the Eiger looming out of the gloom. Ah, the gloom; I may have neglected to tell you that what with the drive to the Lake District and his refreshment break time had somewhat crept up on Albert and although it was Summer and the evening should be light this was an English Summer and as is traditional for a Bank Holiday weekend the day was dull and dank.
Nothing daunted off Albert went up the fell, up and up he went, each ridge line seeming like it should be the top only to laugh in his face and present him with a still steeper stage to conquer. As he climbed Albert became more and more tired and disoriented until finally the inevitable happened and Albert slipped in some loose rocks and tumbled over the edge of a not inconsiderable cliff. Which is where we came in with Albert hanging by his fingertips wondering why he had thought this climbing trip to the Lakes had seemed such a good idea.
The end.
Peace and Love, ttfn. x

A sunny Wednesday

It's a lovely sunny day out there. I'm in the flat finishing off my self assessment for work, yes I finally found a way to get around to working out what to say. It's been a tortuous route but I'm nearly done so I thought I'd take a short break and write a few words on here then get back to it with fresh eyes.
Spring is nearly upon us as is my retirement day so soon I'll be able to concentrate on my new creative life. Before that I'll be travelling all over the Southern Counties of England delivery training and saying goodbye to people, many of whom I'll miss but some I'll be glad to see the back of. Odd isn't it how we can gel with some people but others just set the old hackles rising as soon as they appear on the horizon. I wonder why that is, I suppose we can't like everyone though it would be great if everyone could get along. The world would be a much more pleasant place to live it that were the case, still it isn't and I guess I'm living in cloud cuckoo land expecting anything other that what we have. People can be horrible when they want to be, myself included, I suppose it's the primeval self preservation, kill or be killed instinct still in our DNA that makes us so.
Anyway, philosophy was never my strong point so I guess I'll just have to seek out the good folks and ignore the rest where possible.
Right, back to the grind. Peace and Love x ttfn

Spring

The daylight hours are starting to increase heralding the onset of Spring. We will put the clocks forward in just over a month meaning lighter nights and more daylight which is a wonderful thing. It would be great if we could have some decent weather this Spring and Summer to make up of for the cold wet and windy Winter just now leaving us. Undoubtedly we will be due some more cold and maybe even snow in the next few weeks but it would be grand if we could have a warm(ish) dry and calm Easter holiday to enjoy to help us all throw off the Winter shroud and get some sun on our backs.
Spring, don't you just love it?
Peace and Love x ttfn

Can't get it done.

I'm trying to write my end of year work self assessment and I'm finding it a little difficult. If staring out of the window with a blank look on my face was an Olympic sport I'd be a shoo-in for the gold medal. I've never been very good at evaluating myself so this really is a toughie.
I know I'm pretty good at what I do but I find it hard to set it down on paper. The feedback I get is generally good, it's the self improvement/development bit I can't get. I'm not perfect by any stretch of the imagination and there are areas I know that I can get better at, I just can't figure out exactly what these areas are or how to improve them; the thing is that as I'm retiring at the end of April, I'm not sure if I've mentioned that before but it's true, anyway as I say since I'll not be doing the job or any job other than writing The Tale after April I'm not able to see the point of the looking forward bit. Perhaps I should just say that I'll make sure everything is up to date and tidied up before the great day and leave it at that.
Also, it looks lovely outside which makes me want to go out but the guilt of not being able to get this darned report done is holding me in my seat with said blank look on the old fizzog. Coffee and choccy biccies hasn't worked and there's no rum in the flat so that's a no-go as well. I might change my angle and stare blankly at Thomas Kitty instead, I'm sure to get some inspiration from that slumbering furry gent. His high energy levels always help spur me into action, not.
I suppose I should get back to the grind, even though not much is being ground at the mo.
Peace and Love. x ttfn

I started.

I started to write a post about what fun I was going to have after my retirement and how much writing I was going to do and how I loved Spring so much before I realised that I was boring myself let alone my reader. I think I 'll wait until I have something funny or controversial to say before I write any more on here.
I'm at the point where it seems all I write about is retirement and sitting at the beach. I will refrain from writing about me,me,me all the time and try to come up with some better subject matter in future. Until I can come up with stuff people want to read I'll keep my gob shut.
Until a poem or some interesting subject comes to mind I will maintain radio silence and stop being so boring and self-absorbed. So Peace and Love. x ttfn

It's Saturday.

As the train of the working week bumps into the buffers of the weekend I'm sitting with my friend Thomas Kitty, TK to his friends, waiting for a loaf of bread to finish cooking and the tomato sauce I'm making to boil down sufficiently. This weekend is the first in a while where I'm not spending the whole time getting ready for a trip away, I can catch up on reading and chores and sitting around. And, as my bosses appear not to have noticed that I have space on my calendar I plan to use the next work week and a bit to catch up on admin and rest. March is going to busy so I need to be in peak condition (Hah!)
The good thing is that any (man it's hard to see through a cat's head) travel will be for pleasure not work soon and I'll be able to cook, read, travel and write to my heart's content or just sit at the beach at unusual times and watch the tide rise and fall, or should that be ebb and flow? I can't express how much I'm looking forward to freedom day and the end to wage slavery and the transition into pension poverty.
I have to say that the prospect of not having to sit on trains with crisp munchers, drink slurpers and loud conversation holders is a very attractive one. I know I'm being intolerant but 3 or 4 hours of that sort of thing can grate on the old nerves. I'm sure people forget that there are other people around them sometimes, like the nose pickers in cars who drive along unpacking their trunk as if they were in the comfort of their own home. I will definitely pick my times, rather than my nose, to travel by rail or drive depending on my destination.
The bread is now done and the sauce is cooking down nicely, TK is purring in my ear at one minute and clambering all over me the next, I get the feeling he misses me, he's even taken to sleeping on the bed again, something he hasn't done in eons. It's true by the way that cats are not see-through, and typing through them is an impossible njapjbjv;pbv job, sorry that was TK joining in. I think njapjbjv;pbv may be cat for 'stop talking about me; I'm only here you know'.
Anyway, I'm off to stir my sauce, not a euphemism, and generally mooch around so until next time; Peace and Love, ttfn.

More interesting

I need to make this blog more interesting so that it appeals to a wider audience. Does my reader have any suggestions?

Freedom

My boss filled out the retirement forms today. My last working day is three months from tomorrow. I will be free to do as I please, go where I want whenever I feel the urge.
This is a whole new chapter in my life and although I'm a little apprehensive I really am looking forward to it. I have waited 38 years doing jobs I was never really suited to, now I can write and observe the world without worrying that I should be doing something else.
The freedom to write is the best thing. Nothing else on my mind, just the words I want to put down on paper, freeing my soul to entertain, even if it is just entertaining myself.
I am by nature a lazy procrastinator so work has always been a struggle. If I procrastinate now, I will be a freelance procrastinator and no-one will be there to make my life hard for not doing what I should.
I will be beholden to no-one and free to be the lazy selfish so-and-so I really am.
Peace and Love. ttfn x

Monday January 18 2016

Here I am at 10 past Midnight  not feeling the slightest bit sleepy so I thought I'd write a few lines. It's a funny thing, there was a time not too long ago when I'd be in bed by 9 pm and lie there feeling sad and overthinking until sleep came and the troubles I thought I had would be abandoned until I woke at the crack of dawn still tired and feeling hopeless. Now I sit up into the wee small hours, wide awake thinking about the next chapter of The Tale and hoping that all will go smoothly between now and the end of April when early-retirement day comes.
These two types of early retirement, one going to bed early so that the awful days would be gone, the other a positive thing which will allow me to concentrate on what I really want to do, which is to write are poles apart. I like the positive thoughts, they are somewhat alien to me because I've always been a worrier and a little bit of me still waits for the light at the end of the tunnel to be a train. Though as my dear old mother used to say, "what will be will be" so I'll plough my furrow and deal with what comes rather than worrying about stuff that might never happen.
I think though that I prefer using this blog as a vehicle for my poems rather than a platform for introspective ramblings which I'm sure those of you who read this stuff, yes, both of you, aren't remotely interested in.
I try not to be controversial so perhaps some of these non-poetry posts are a bit bland and self absorbed. It's good though sometimes just to get my thoughts down in words. Perhaps I'll stick to writing in my journal when this desire comes upon me rather than to bore people rigid on here.
Anyway, I really do hope that this new direction I'm taking is the right one and that one day in the not too distant future my book will be a reality.
So to close:

There was an old fellow called Hall

Who sat up into hours quite small

He would write a few words

Then rise with the birds

That sleepless old fellow called Hall

Peace and Love ttfn x

More musing

I've just returned from collecting some rail tickets and a trip to my thinking spot and after my somewhat down pointing previous post I thought I'd write something a little more positive. When I go down to the beach to watch the sea I feel a relaxation that I can get nowhere else. All my worries, real or imagined are stripped away as I watch the waves roll in.
Regardless of the weather that spot is a bolt hole, a quiet place for contemplation. Even when there are loads of people around at busy times in the Summer I can shut them all out and concentrate on nothing other than the expanse of water in front of me which beckons with the promise of far away places to visit and new people to meet. In that place I am happy and that carries me on and keeps me going until the next time. It's a charger for my emotional battery.
There is something about the sea that I love but can't put my finger on; much as there is beauty in the hills, moors, lakes and forests around here they can't in my opinion hold a candle to the coast with its ever changing light and mood and as I said before that promise of travel and adventure. Adventure is  the wrong word for me since I'm one who likes to sit in a bar and people watch rather than climb Mount Fuji on a pogo stick. Anyway, you get my drift I hope.
Still, on these slightly more positive notes I'll be off, wishing you Peace and Love. ttfn x

Musing

I'll be glad when I can put my past behind me and embark on a new adventure free of the shackles of what went before. That is a wish I tell myself that I hope to be able to fulfill in the not too distant future. I've about as much chance of doing that as I have of flying to Mars. There are elements of my life which I should relinquish and forget about but I have grave doubts that I can succeed in putting behind me. It isn't that I want to hold on the the past, it's the fact that I'm too scared of the future to relinquish my hold on the memories that have kept me where I am just now.
I wish I had the balls to say fuck it, the past is dead, long live the future. The point is that even if I could do that the past will linger in the back of my mind, whispering about what might have been; if only. Ah, if only, an expression that has held me back all my life. I try to tell myself that if only's are just pipe dreams. I tell myself to forget what has gone and move on yet still I hang on to useless things and thoughts which stop me from breaking free and moving into a new phase.
It boils me to be like this. I want to move on. I need to move on. I hate how the past holds me back. I want to be free to live a new life.
I know what I need to do, I need to push the off switch on what has gone before and take a step into the unknown. Can I do that? Who knows? I suppose I'll just have to look at each new day that comes and deal with it on its own merits and stop over analysing every little thing.
I don't know what life will throw at me, I suppose I'll just have to get on with it.
Writing this hasn't really helped me to get any idea of where I'm going or what I'm going to do. It has just been another pointless exercise in navel gazing which has produced nothing.
Peace and Love. x ttfn

Tranquility

Tranquility

Sound of seagulls

And surf sussurating 

On the sandy shore

Brings tranquility

And peace

To an unsettled mind

Happy New Year

I think the title says it all really. Peace and Love. ttfn xx