It's been a while...

...since my last post. I haven't much felt like writing on here or anywhere else lately. It really gets to me still that Madame has moved on and I am left sitting surrounded by my thoughts and feelings that I can't seem to shake off.
For my own mental, and physical, since I'm still drinking way to much, wellbeing I need to get it into my thick skull that she has gone and is making a new life which only includes me when it suits her.
She has no finer feelings left for me. She may say she wants me to find someone new and be happy and I'm sure she means that but it is also because she wants me off her back.
 She only keeps in touch to use my address as her UK base because I'm daft enough to want to let her so that I can keep some pathetic link between us which she would happily see broken because she is happy now with her new home and relationship and I am left wallowing in jealousy and regret and anger because I still want her around and angry with her for not wanting to be around me.
 It's a vicious circle which will only be broken when I have the balls to say fuck it I've had enough and get all her stuff into a container and send it to her c/o her sister because I don't have her actual address and just cut the string and float away.
I'm scared to do that until I can find someone who will support me and love me and that person is nowhere to be seen. Perhaps I'm in the wrong place and need to move and start a whole new life away from it all but where? Having said that I am in a new place and maybe I should sort my life out and go where I will meet people who aren't... oh I give up, I'm deluding myself if I think I'm ever going to find someone, I'm fat, bald and old, who will want me? I thought I'd found my soulmate in Madame and that went tits up so I may as well just accept that I'm past it and get on with what life I have and stop wishing her back or someone new to come into my life.
This rant was brought to you by my jealousy on finding out that Madame in in Paris with her fiance.
I really have had enough. ttfn