Not much.

I've not had much to say lately so I haven't been writing on here since I see no point in posting for posting's sake.
I managed with the help of The Brother to get the garden planted over the Easter Holidays. I haven't been out to see how it's going lately since it has not been dry since we finished. That is good in a way as it meant that I wasn't constantly out watering everything so I shouldn't complain but you know me, nothing I like better than a good whinge.
Anyway, that's all really I just wanted to let you all (all? who am I kidding?) know that I'm still in the land of the living and that the old beard is coming along nicely.
So ttfn. Peace and Love. x

A Poem?

Back Together

We get back together

What do we do?

Make the same mistakes?

Split up again.

You’ll never change

Nor will I

A new approach from both

That will work

A change of attitude

Forget the past

Then it would work

If not

No chance of success

The power of words.

I am in the process of reading "How to Stop Worrying and Start Living" by Dale Carnegie, the man who wrote "How to Win Friends and Influence People". This book is a work of genius; it has changed my whole outlook on life in the space of less than ten days.
A week past Monday I was sitting under a cloud of gloom caused by Madame's marriage and the death of an old pal. Now, sad as I am at both events I have realised that there was nothing I could say or do to influence either one. I will remember the happy times with both and try to maintain a supportive contact with my pal's wife but I have realised that wishing for the past to change and the inevitable not occur is a waste of time, effort and emotion.
Most of my past problems have revolved around wishing things had been different or worrying about things that may or may not happen. I accept those things I can't change, will try to change those things which I can and learn from past mistakes, forget them and move on.
I intend to live in the day, what is past is gone and learned from, what is to come can be planned for if I know it is coming and any shocks and surprises I will deal with in the best way that I can by working out what I can influence and leaving anything that I can't influence up to fate.
As Fred Fuller Shedd said, "You can't saw sawdust".
I may still have down days but at least my new philosophy will mean that I am not dwelling on the past, or fretting about the future.
Peace and Love, ttfn. x

If at first.

If at first

If at first you don’t succeed they say

then you must find another way

so gird your loins

and lets away

to live to fight another day.

The grass is greener

The Grass is greener

The grass is greener on the other side

So the saying goes

Is the grass so green beyond?

No one really knows

Since when they are on that other ground

The grass is greener on the other side.

In the pub

In the pub

Sitting in the pub

Pint of beer in hand

People all around

Such a happy band

Alone in the corner

A strange man to most

Separate from the others

Who make a cheerful host

No-one comes to join me

Still I’m all alone

Sitting in the pub

Pint of beer in hand.

I really wish - a poem.

This is not the best poem in the world but it helps me to get by to write some lines even though they might seem trite and poor to some.

I really wish

I really wish she had not gone

and left the home we made.

I really thought that we were strong

and our love would never fade.

I really wish that she’d come back

from her new home far away.

I know that it will not occur

she’s lost her love for me.

I really wish I did not care

and that my heart was harder.

If that was so I could move on

and my future may look brighter.

Triggered.

The empty feeling that entered the pit of my stomach on Monday morning when I discovered that Madame had married again and the faint hopes I had of a reconciliation had drifted further away remains seated where it landed.
I hate this feeling, it is the sign that I have been triggered again and a low mood is upon me, sorry that sounded a bit pretentious. What I'm trying to say is that finding out that Madame is now married to someone other than me has triggered my depression.
I suppose we all have our triggers be it for depression, anger or happiness, I know that I have lived on the edge of falling into a low mood since the original trigger in 2012 when I received the first notification that Madame wanted a divorce. I fought and argued and tried to change her mind but she was adamant that our marriage was over and she was going back to the US. That pushed me into a black hole which I have slowly been climbing out of, I have had good days and bad days in the intervening period but in the main my progress has been upward. Until Monday morning.
The discovery that she had married again came on top of the news that an old friend had died suddenly and unexpectedly so I was upset over that and the thought of his poor wife having to cope with such a sudden loss when this second, albeit minor in comparison to my friend's wife's, bombshell landed with a thud via Facebook. At first I seemed to be coping quite well with the news but as the day dragged on my mood dipped as the realisation hit that probably Madame would never be back and that I would never see her again.
On a slightly different note, is it selfish of me to be upset that no-one who knows her and me and who know she has re-married has asked me how I feel about the whole thing. In fact very few people have said anything to me by way of consolation or commiseration since the whole farrago began. I know who has and I appreciate them for it.
I think perhaps I invested too much of my emotional well-being in the relationship and when it went wrong there was nothing left for me to fall back on. Still, writing all this has helped a bit and as Henry James said, this too shall pass.

Discombobulated.

I learned today that Madame has re-married. Now this wasn't unexpected as she's been engaged for a while and although I'd hoped she would change her mind and come home I was for the most part reconciled to the situation.
Strange then that now she has actually tied the knot I feel like I did back in the Summer of 2012 when the whole thing went tits up. I am completely discombobulated and have lost my equilibrium totally. I feel as if someone has taken my insides out bounced them up the road a few times and replaced them upside down.
I have no idea what to do other than regroup and start rebuilding my defences again so that the hurt subsides.
Who would have thought I could feel so down? Anyway, I've wished her luck and happiness because as I said in my message to her it would be churlish not to and am now girding my loins for the climb back up low mood hill to the summit where I hope I can rename it happiness mountain.
Wish me luck. Peace and Love. ttfn x

Passing on.

I learned last night that an old friend has passed away. I haven't seen him or his wife for about a year since I moved out of the village where I used to live with Madame.
Anyway, his passing has made me realise how lazy I am at keeping in touch with old friends. It starts to get to the stage that I'll end up only seeing them at the funerals of other old friends I've neglected. Having said that it works both ways and few of them have made the effort either but that isn't a reason for me to neglect them.
I must make a mid-year resolution to get back in touch with as many old friends as I can, who am I fooling, of course I won't I'll continue as I am bumbling along bumping into people here and there and losing touch with others because that is what I'm like.
We didn't even keep in touch with family over the years so I come by this apathetic approach to friendship honestly and will undoubtedly slip off this mortal coil myself still wondering how old such-and-such is getting along these days without bothering my butt to do anything about it.
So, if I'm not travelling I will attend my old pal's funeral, meet up with a few other old pals, make promises to stay in touch that none of us will keep and come back to my lair and wonder why I feel so lonesome at times.
And on that happy note I will say ttfn, Peace and Love.  x

I wish I had a plan.

I wish I had a plan. I say this to myself quite often and then I realise that I do have a plan. That plan is to rent my current living space until I reach 60 then retire and with my retirement lump sum buy a static caravan to live in during the Spring, Summer and Autumn months here in the UK. During the Winter months of December to February the idea is to close up the UK premises and decamp to somewhere warmer, preferably the far South West of the USA but failing that Spain or Portugal.
Now this seems to me to be an eminently doable plan most of the time. At other times I worry that I'll not be able to find a site that will let me do this for the required time or that my lump sum will not be sufficient or, I could go on but there isn't enough time to cover the minutiae of my worries. At these times I say to myself, I wish I had a plan, then realise that I do have a perfectly workable plan and so on ad infinitum long into the night.
All I have to do is hang on and make the best of what comes my way until the plan can be put into place. So next time I say I wish I had a plan, please feel free to tell me to button my lip and get on with the plan which I may have mentioned previously.
That, I think is enough piffle from me for now so Peace and Love, ttfn. x

35 Years

Today, April 2nd 2014 marks the 35th anniversary of my starting work in Southend-on-Sea. I was a young lad cast adrift in a strange town. Where has the time gone?
Two marriages, one engagement and many ups and downs later here I am sitting on my own in a rented house writing this.

As I see it I can look at my current situation in two ways:

(1) I am alone with no secure home and no-one to share my life with, or
(2) I am free to do what I want, when I want and go where I please with nothing holding me back.

Now, depending upon my mood I will be leaning one way or another. Currently, I'm feeling a little 'meh' so my inclination is somewhat towards (1) above but who knows when (2) will kick in? Sooner rather than later would be my desire but I will just go with the flow.

Until the next time Peace and Love. ttfn. x