Progress

Well that's the old American bed gone to the tip, I'm sad to see it go but there was no room for it here and no one wanted it so to recycling it went. I'm making progress on the lumber room and soon I'll be able to bring boxes from the storage unit and get rid of that, thereby saving me £60 or so a month.
With the washing on, a chilli cooking, the shopping done and a bit of light hoovering completed I'm having a well deserved beer before doing my finances.
I will of course be having more well deserved beers after that.
TTFN

It's Thursday

Well I've been back from my Glasgow trip a couple of days and have been delivering a course at work. I'm knackered and still have another day to go, it is a very dry subject that I'm trying to put across and the poor trainees have lost the will to live. Still, not long now and they are free. I have to keep delivering the blooming thing on a regular basis. It is hard to keep interest levels up for the trainees (and me!) but I do try my best.
I have to say that GT&tDs were very good, it was a bit strange at the end though, he just sort of finished, no encore, he just went off the stage, everyone got up and wandered out. Still very good though. The support were OK but the drummer drowned out the rest of the group. Sack the sound engineer!
The trip did help me get back on somewhat of a more even keel after the weekend. So let's hope I can maintain my progress, 1 step back and 2 forward is a good way, better than the other way round.
I am off now for some nuts and raisins and to try and stay out of the club, no beer tonight or else my diet will never take off.
TTFN.

I'm on the train.

So here I am on board the train on my way to Glasgow for the night to see George Thorogood. I have been looking forward to this for months, ever since my pal and I saw the gig advertised and decided we needed to see him perform.
I really hope this will help move me back onto the front foot after the hiccup over the weekend when the realisation that Madame may be gone for good hit me.
I should accept that she has gone away and is unlikely ever to return. I have finally stopped wearing my wedding ring which is a sign that I may be heading towards acceptance of the reality of the situation and to stop deluding myself. The trouble is I find it very difficult to accept that my last chance of happiness may have gone for good.
Anyway, I hope GT can give me a leg up to improve my mood again after the weekend.
TTFN

A thought...

...just struck me as I was posting that last blog entry. I am laying out all my emotions on here for the world to see. I hope it isn't too boring or pathetic for anyone who comes across what I write.
I try to be entertaining when I can but also find it very cathartic to get these thoughts out my system in the absence of anyone to talk to about my fears and worries.
Anyway, just a thought.
TTFN

Madame has gone.

Well, Madame has gone after her short stay over the weekend on her way to her meetings in Belgium.
I have to say Sunday was the worst I have felt about the split and divorce in all the months since she first left.
I had hoped she might have softened a bit towards coming home and when I realised she isn't as close to doing it as I imagined all the emotion came flooding in and the thought that we may never get back together hit me full on.
It was a tough day.
Today is a new day however. I have to pick myself up and start again, still hoping for a reconciliation but knowing it will not be as soon as I would have liked, if at all.
TTFN

Madame is here

Well Madame is here. We've been through a few movers boxes and sorted out another load of stuff to be disposed of. It is good to see her but things are still not the same between us. I doubt they ever will be again, at least we are still friends though I wish we could get past our previous differences and start afresh with a blank canvas.
Her being here has brought back all the feelings of dreading her departure and that emptiness that results in her going. She says she will be back in October of if not then, in December but I really wish she would just come home to stay so we can move forwards together.
This is all wishful thinking on my part of course. I doubt that she will ever come back for good. I still hope that she will though.
I can feel myself teetering on the brink of falling into another depression, I'm on the verge of tears as I write. I hope that my trip to Glasgow tomorrow and Tuesday to meet up with my pal and to see George Thorogood will help improve my mood. I don't need to be falling back, I have made so much progress in the last 3 months with my mood improving and feeling so much more optimistic that I couldn't handle having to pick myself up and start again.
I am under no illusions that Madame will take a while to come around to my way of thinking, if she ever does, but patience is a virtue and as long as we keep our lines of communication open there is always hope of a reconciliation.
Still, I mustn't wallow in self-pity. I have to be positive and accept that I must enjoy my life as best I can and not rely on Madame coming back to make me happy. I must live as if she isn't and keep the hope that she might on the back burner. I cannot fixate on her coming home.
On that note I will take my leave of you dear reader and will keep you posted (whether you want me too or not) of developments.
I live in hope, TTFN

Home Town Worship.

I was until recently living in the village where I was brought up. It is a pleasant place with a section of Hadrian's Wall running through it, a couple of pubs some small shops and a filling station. A village like many others, a dormitory for some, their whole existence for others with the majority of the residents falling somewhere in between.
I lived there for the first 19 years of my life before moving away to the South East of England to work. I was away for 9 years and for all of that time there wasn't a day where I didn't wish to be back 'home'. This attitude really did me no favours, I was always agitating to travel back up North for short and long breaks and never missed an opportunity to say how much I hated where I was and wished to be somewhere else. It cost me my first marriage, this attitude and also held me back at work because I was never fully committed to my job, I always had part of my mind on how to 'escape'.
When I did finally get back to the North, I found that the old place I called home had changed, my school friends had moved on, if not physically then mentally and I found myself out on a limb which I didn't climb off for nearly 25 years. I spent most of that time claiming to be happy, back at the old homestead, 'I'll leave this house feet first' was my mantra. How wrong I was. It took the loss of a second marriage, careless I know, to lift the scales from my eyes and realise that my blind dedication to my home village was a cause of many of my problems. I wanted to be a part of a life that had long gone, it wasn't 'my village' any more, if it ever had been. I was forced to sell up and move due to my divorce and start looking for a new place to live and new people to interact with. That move has been a huge benefit to me, my mood has improved and my optimism has finally been allowed to rise to the surface. Things will never be perfect, that is never possible where life is involved but at least the light at the end of the tunnel doesn't have to be a train coming towards me.
I am happy with my choice, albeit originally made under protest which has freed me from the shackles of Home Town Worship and has allowed me to move forward.
Thanks to The Brother for his support and to Madame for forcing my hand I now look at life from a lighter perspective.
Per Ardua Ad Astra and TTFN.

Yet again...

.. I have proof of how lovely American women are. I have just had a splendid Twitter conversation with a fine woman from NC currently residing in PA which started with me translating what my dinner was (haggis, taties and neeps) and moved on to the castles of Northumberland via American cuisine.
It is always great to 'meet' new folks and broaden my horizons by tweeting with people who I would never have contact with without social media.
So, forget the haters and the trolls and celebrate the good things that Twitter brings; new friends and interesting interactions.
Thanks @Jamistarme
TTFN

I've been thinking.

Dangerous, I know but I've worked out why staying where I do now has lifted my mood.
The whole atmosphere reminds me of places where I used to go on holiday as a youngster and where I was happy and enjoying life. It has none of the baggage linked to the old place and so I feel that I am 'allowed' to be happy.
Heddon held me back and dragged me down, I'm glad circumstances forced me to get away and I have Madame to thank for that.
It has been worth all the pain and anguish of the last 2 or 3 years to finally shuck off the shackles that held me down.
Per Ardua Ad Astra was never more apposite.
TTFN

The only trouble..

...with getting up at the crack of dawn on a Saturday is that by midday everything that needs to be done is finished leaving the afternoon to be filled. By 9.30 this morning I'd done my shopping at the supermarket, the butcher, the baker and the post office (the candlestick maker was closed), been to the barbers to have my head dusted, down to the wood this time as its summer and hoovered around downstairs (the house that is, in case your mind had wandered into naughty territory).
All that is left to do now is drink beer and read books. What a dreadful situation to find oneself in. I think I'll have to put some washing on just to feel productive.
I wish my foot would get better, I'm still loath to go to the gym in case I make it worse but the lack of exercise is really stymieing my push towards snake-hippery. I'll give it one more week then go back to the gym and try to do stuff that doesn't involve feet, I'll ask the advice of the coaches down there as to what are the best exercises to do that won't aggravate it.
Anyway, confirmed on the Skype call that Madame will be visiting next week so that will be interesting. Hope it goes well, we'll see I suppose.
Aside from all that I just had the best piece of smoked cod done in milk that I've had in many a year with a couple of slices of fresh brown bread. Healthy and tasty, what more can a chap want? Haggis, taties and neeps tomorrow, chicken with rice Monday and chicken pasta Tuesday. Scrumptious. Anyone would think I was organised.
So now I will put the washing away or up to dry, read a bit and have a couple of beers before an early night seeing as I haven't bothered with my snooze having done some more washing and talked to Madame. I'll need the early night as I will probably be woken at the crack of dawn by Thomas kitty who will be clamouring for his medicine. That may sound strange but he gets his meds in gourmet tuna cat food so clamour he does, spoiled ? Nah.
Right, thats the washing hung up to dry and the dry stuff put away; time to hit the Heineken. TTFN

Well.

I'm sitting here at home with two sleeping kitties next to me wondering what to do.
I have at least a dozen, probably a score of books to read sitting in my 'unread books' bookcase, The Story has stalled so I could try to give it a shove in the right direction, I'm doing a role play at a work training course tomorrow which I ought to remind myself about, I have the script for another one which I need to learn before next Wednesday and a pile of programmes stored on Sky+ which have to be watched. The trouble is I want to do all these things at once which even for the most accomplished multi-tasker would be a bit of a challenge so I have ended up writing on here instead.
I must say that at the moment I am feeling relatively happy, although I have plantar fasciitis in my foot which is giving me a lot of pain and has stalled my gym attendances. This in turn has made my assault on snake-hipped lotharioness a bit more difficult. As I said the other day, I lapsed somewhat over the weekend so I really do need to get my butt in gear and attack the North Face of my lardiness head on.
No alcohol during the week, only a limited amount at the weekend, no snacks other than fruit, keep away from pies, pastries, crisps, ice cream and sweeties and eat a lot more chicken and fish with rice or salad instead of chips or taties should see me heading in the right direction.
I need to lose at least 3 stone by April and would like to be able to fit into some of my 36 inch (or less if possible) waist trousers before then most of which I haven't been able to get into for a long time. This is my aim. Lose the weight and keep it off. Get back to the gym as soon as possible without aggravating my foot and release that snake-hipped lothario which lurks inside this portly old gadgie.
Anyway, now that I've got that off my chest I'll say what I was going to say at the start of the paragraph before last. I am relatively happy just now but I can feel myself hovering on the edge. I spend a lot of time on my own and most of the time I feel quite comfortable with that. Just lately though I have been feeling twinges of that old lonely feeling, even in company which predicts a downward spiral in my mood. I must avoid this. What to do? I don't know yet, I fear that if I try to be too sociable I will come across as needy or pushy but if I don't get out into the social stream I will fall back into that hole I was in after Madame left. That is a place I don't want to go back to.
At least I have a fair bit of travel for work and one leisure trip over the next month or so which will help alleviate the potential black dog arrival and with luck will help me get over myself and become the wacky funster I strive to be. Perhaps that's part of the problem, I should just be myself and not strive to be anything. Someone once said I was the coolest person they knew (Lord knows why) and I wasn't striving then so no more striving and let whatever will be, be.
TTFN

Bit of a blip...

..on the old weight loss programme since I went out and had way more beer than I should have yesterday then proceeded to eat my own weight in pizza as I was 'hungry'. It wasn't hunger at all, it was the beer talking and that is where my weight problem lies. It isn't just the fact that I'll go out and drink too much, it's that when I come back in I commence eating the contents of the fridge.
Still, all is not lost, all I have to do is keep off the beer and if I do have a drink, be disciplined enough to realise that I'm not really hungry and stay away from the food storage areas of the house, or if I'm out in town, Burger King (other burger outlets are available). I'm starting again today and will not have a drink until Wednesday, assuming I meet up with my pal in Belfast. If not, it will be next Saturday at the earliest and I will make sure that I am disciplined with myself and keep the whole thing down to a dull roar.
I will be a snake-hipped lothario by next April! TTFN.

In Town

I'm going to a book launch at 6.30pm today (Thursday) but as usual I'm in town way too early (4pm). Still, what the heck, I can have a couple of beers and sit in the pub writing a few lines on here before I go to the launch.
I would have a stroll about town but as I'm supposed to be resting my foot I thought a pub is as good a place as any to do it. The fact that the sun is shining outside makes no odds, I like looking at the good weather but am not that fond of being out in it, I'm more of a cool temperature chap really. As long as it isn't wet or windy.
Still, I'm quite looking forward to this book launch as it will give me a chance to meet a Twitter friend whose book it is being launched and have a look in a bookshop I rarely get into, which is pretty remiss of me really but I'm in the thrall of Waterstone's. Maybe a walk around Blackwell's will broaden my bibliophile tendencies, who knows?
Anyway, I think I'll wander down Northumberland Street and see what's what.
More later, TTFN.
It's Friday. I had my wander via a couple more pubs then on to the book launch which was very good. It was great to finally meet Barbara after all the months of tweeting. I hope we can get together in the not too distant future to discuss my writing aspirations.
Finally left for home about 8ish via another couple of pubs and arrived home 'tired' at about 11pm.
A very good day despite the fact that I can barely walk today as I didn't rest my foot as I should have done. I'll rest it today and hope I can get some gardening done over the weekend and that I won't be in too much pain for my Belfast trip next week.
Thats all for now, TTFN

It's an owee not a booboo.

I have strained the ligaments in my right foot which means resting it until any inflammation goes down. I think it is because I have started training again, in two ways, classroom delivery of training events and at the gym which has put pressure on my foot which wasn't there recently. It may also be because I am carrying to much weight.
I am working on the weight issue and have lost 7lbs over the last few weeks which is moving me in the right direction. The low beer and sweeties, high fruit diet seems to be working so if I can keep it up I should be able to hit my target weight of 187lbs before I go back to the fat clinic next April. I will start going back to the gym once my foot gets better which will tone up the old body and also help with the weight loss process.
Wish me luck. TTFN.

Sunday morning, ten to five.

I was woken at 4am by a combination of Thomas kitty leaping onto the bed and the dawn chorus so I decided it was time to get up and get going. Get going at what I'm not sure of yet but I think my plan so far revolves around going to the storage place to collect a couple of things that I promised my next door neighbour and doing a little light shopping.
I had planned to go to the gym but I have a really painful heel at the moment and until I have seen the doctor about it I don't want to put too much pressure on by leaping around on rowing machines, bikes and treadmills, that would probably do more harm than good.
I am however doing well on the weight loss front merely by cutting my beer intake by 70% and eating more fruit and fewer sweeties. I am down 5 pounds so far and am certainly heading in the right direction.
Anyway, I have just had to break off from writing this to reply to an e-mail from a wine company who tried to take a monthly payment for a wine buying club they run even though I e-mailed them to say I wasn't going ahead with the offer to join.
I have bought wine from them on the odd occasion previously so they had bank card details but I'm glad I didn't change the details on my account when my new bank card was issued a couple of months ago. They have now been informed that I will not be buying wine from them again since they ignored my explicit instructions that I didn't want to take up their offer.
I'm too grumpy to write any more now.
TTFN