Last day in Vegas.

Today is my last day in Vegas. I hope to be back, just as I hope to be able to put my plan into action of staying here in the Winter once I retire. Until then it is back to the reality of being a sad single middle-aged Civil Servant living without the person he thought would be there alongside him for the rest of his days.
I am feeling a little low today because it is the end of my holiday/vacation and that has always been a trigger for a low mood to set in. I trace it back to childhood when our annual holiday was a break from school which I hated. The thought of having to go back always set me on a downer and still makes me feel sad to this day when I hark back to those times.
I had hoped that this trip would be a chance to lay the ghosts of previous trips with Madame but although I've had a good time for the most part there has been an underlying feeling of something missing, that thing being the companionship we used to have before it all went wrong and to quote her, the relationship 'broke'.
I find myself in a sad place mentally at the moment, my hope is that if I plan things well enough I may be able to come back here at least for regular holidays if not to live part time. The plan will give me a purpose I suppose because without something to look forward to I fear that I'm lost.
I know deep down that I can never re-establish what I had with Madame until it went wrong, she has made a new life back in the US with a new man, I am now just part of her past with no likelihood of ever becoming part of her present in a relationship way again.
I need to push on and make a new life for myself, it has been nearly 12 months since the divorce went through so surely I should be able to sort myself out by now. I can't recall how long it took last time to recover from my first debacle (sorry, marriage) so I don't have much of a yardstick to measure my recovery period to. I will just have to soldier on I suppose and hope things improve with time. Life has been up and down this last couple of years, I really hope that I can find a way to eliminate the downs and get on an even keel.
Until that day comes, well I just don't know.
ttfn