Meeting 'The One'

I've been thinking, yes I know that's twice this year and I also know it's a dangerous thing but I've been doing it anyway and I've reached a conclusion. The conclusion is that I'm not cut out to be in a relationship.
Why's that? You ask. And I'll tell you.
Much as I would wish it to be different I realise that I am pretty much of a loner, not anti social just more comfortable on my own, this avoids disappointment and sadness. Part of the reason for this realisation I reckon is that as a fat four-eyed child/adolescent I was never attractive to girls/young women and so I relied on my wit and charm to make friends and get a girlfriend, which is fine as far as it goes but one does tend to be either the 'friend' or the weird one, never boyfriend material. As I grew into portly adulthood the subtraction of hair didn't help the cause so I became the funny guy who always, or more often than not, went home alone and I gradually became comfortable with my own company and developed a self deprecating manner, a 'oh it doesn't matter' attitude and put up a somewhat austere, until people get to know me, wall around me.
Now that doesn't mean I don't like the company of other people it's just that I think that I've become so set in my ways that it will be impossible to find someone who would have the patience to take me on, on a deeper level and to break down the wall that has built up, or more correctly that I have erected around me over the years should she be daft enough to want to give it a try.
Now I'm not saying the person doesn't exist who could be 'The One' and it would be delightful if such a person came along with their metaphorical sledge hammer and managed to break through, all I'm saying is that I have reached a stage of acceptance of who I am and have reconciled myself with the life I have.
I'm not sad or lonely and I have plenty of social interaction both real and online so I'm not really sure what the point of writing this is. Probably because it came into my head and I thought I would share.
And on that note I'll fizzle out and say ttfn.
Peace and Love x

Some words

The soldier

A cold wind blew in from the sea as Private X huddled into his padded jacket and drew his fur hat further down over his ears.

Why was it that he always seemed to pull the cold dark watch? Sitting waiting for an enemy that threatened his Country and all it stood for. 

Private X was a patriot, he wouldn't be standing here if he wasn't. He and all his comrades were volunteers who had rushed to the colours to defend their homeland from the evil that was coming.

His watch neared its end, soon he would be back in the warm guardhouse; then a shot. No warm guardhouse for Private X. No more watches in the cold dark hours, No more defending his home. No more anything.

Blank Canvas

The blank canvas of the day

Lies before me like an open plain

Inviting me forward

Into another day where

The possibilities are endless

Words

Words, words, waves of words

Falling in a jumble onto the Shore

Of the page once blank

Now awash with words which

Trickle down to become sentences

To make sense and become

A poem or a story

No longer just words

But a sensible group to entertain

Or shock, or both

Still thinking

Sundays were always been a day I found difficult to deal with. This was the day when I would sit and dread the coming week, school or work loomed up on the near horizon beckoning me on for another week of unhappiness. Looking back I can recall only one day when I felt truly happy. It was a day during the school Summer holidays in 1976. It was a lovely sunny day and I was walking along the road from our house going nowhere in particular and the thought entered my head that I had absolutely nothing to worry about. I had no responsibilities and my whole life was laid out in front of me like a blank canvas ready for me to decorate as I pleased. Things didn't turn out as I hoped on that day. Within 10 years I was living away from home with a failed marriage behind me and a job I couldn't do well and any emotional support I needed hundreds of miles away. I still look back on the 9 years I spent in Southend with regret, tempered only by the few good friends I made whilst I was there and without whom I reckon my life would have fallen apart completely. Still,  one shouldn't dwell on the past even though I have managed to make the same mistakes on a regular basis which leaves me where I am today. Without the mistakes I've made over the years I wouldn't be sitting where I am today, in a pleasant flat in a beautiful part of the world, newly retired from work and a fresh blank canvas in front of me, the prospect of a new life beckoning. Funny how things turn out isn't it? My main problem was always bottling up my thoughts and over-thinking every little thing. This blog has solved the bottling up element and I've certainly reduced my thinking to the bare minimum, taking each day as it comes, dealing with what can be dealt with and letting fate (for want of a better word) take care of the things I can't control. Now all I need is to meet my new life-partner in a bookshop somewhere and away we go.
Peace and Love, x ttfn

Thinking

I've been retired now for a couple of weeks and it's great. The freedom to do what I like when I like is marvellous and has lifted my mood no end.
There are times though when I realise that pretty much everything I do I do alone. Now I'm quite happy with my own company and I'm not complaining, it's just occasionally it would be nice to have a significant other to share things with.
I'm not looking for a wife or even someone to live with, just someone special with whom I can share my thoughts and they can share theirs with me.
I thought I had found such a person not so long ago but my long distance relationship with her didn't work out.
So I will carry on alone until she comes along, a person whom I can visit and who can visit me and in the intervening times can communicate online. These days one doesn't have to live in the pocket of the person you are with, just know that they are there to chat and would be happy to meet when time and funds allow.
Anyway enough of this navel gazing, back to being retired and on to finishing The Tale.
Maybe my next post will be about my new long distance relationship, let's hope so. Until then, peace and love. ttfn