Poem

 

The Mountains

 

The mountains change colour

As the Sun crosses the sky

The New Moon sits waiting

Like a bright winking eye

To start the night shift

For a world growing dark

'til the Sun rises next morning

To brighten our lives.

Poem

Blueberries

 

Blueberries in my muffins and my pancakes plain

Two of the things that keep me sane

Myers Rum with Cola and Guinness by the pint

Two of the things that keep me tight

More poems

 

I'm not sure if I posted some of these before but here they are anyway with 2 new ones

 

 

 

 

A Poem

 

 

They call it the black dog

This depression of mine

It's a pit with no light

This depression of mine

It makes me scared

This depression of mine

It makes me fear happiness

This depression of mine

I wish it would go

This depression of mine

 

In the pub

 

Sitting in the pub

Pint of beer in hand

People all around

Such a happy band

 

Alone in the corner

A strange man to most

Separate from the others

Who make a cheerful host

 

No-one comes to join me

Still I'm all alone

Sitting in the pub

Pint of beer in hand.

 

Meat is murder

 

Some say meat is murder

I eat meat

Am I a murderer?

Or an accomplice?

I don't know

What do I know?

I know I like meat less

As time goes on

I eat less meat

Am I less of a murderer?

Or an accomplice?

I don't know

 

I bought a book

 

I bought a book last week

Writing poetry it was called

So I thought I would write a poem

About a book I bought

Called writing poetry

Here it is

The poem

About a book I bought

Last week

 

 

 

 

If at first

 

If at first you don't succeed they say

Then you must find another way

So gird your loins

And lets away

To live to fight another day.

 

Sleepy

 

I sit in my chair

Feeling sleepy

I jerk awake

I fell off the fence again

It's too soon for bed

I'll wake too early

And sit in my chair

Feeling sleepy

 

Asleep on the train (18 Nov.14)

The sudden drop

I fell off the fence

Pretend I wasn't asleep

I didn't nod off

Hope I didn't drool

The embarrassment

I hope no-one thinks I'm drunk

Best write a poem to stay awake

 

 

 

The Grass is greener

 

The grass is greener on the other side

So the saying goes

Is the grass so green beyond?

No one really knows

Since when they are on that other ground

The grass is greener on the other side.

 

Starry Night (18 Nov.14)

A starry night

The chance of frost

Thinking about the things I've lost

Hoping that life will improve soon

So I can stop feeling low.

 

Greed

 

Greed is good

Get one up on the other guy

Mock the less fortunate

Take

Take

And take

Some more

Share?

No way!

Greed is good

No!

 

 

Alone in a bar

 

Alone in a bar

Surrounded by people

Shouting and laughing they are

But me?

I'm alone in a bar

A Limerick

The old fellow called Hall

There was an old fellow called Hall

Who built up his problems quite small

He bundled them up

'til they covered him all

That silly old fellow called Hall

 

Hope

Hope

Where there's life there's hope

The saying goes

How right it is

That good old saw

You never know

When things look up

So keep going on

And weather the storm

Down

Down

Down

You feel so low

No light ahead

Just a constant

Never ending

Dull ache

That will not go

Away

 

 

 

 

Monday poem

Cope

You're trying to cope

Against all the odds

But there's no point in still climbing

When you continue to fall

You must go and seek help

From someone who cares

And forget all the ones

Who abandoned you there.

 

A Sunday poem

Gloomy Sunday

There's a song

Called Gloomy Sunday

That's said to send people

Over the edge when they're low

Wherever you are

Whoever you may be

Tomorrow may bring happiness

You'll never know

If you leave.

The Globe

The Globe

Looking at a globe

Imagining

Places to visit

People to meet

Friends to make

Experiences to have

This miniature World

My dreams

Complete

 

Not a poem

It's quarter to nine on a Sunday evening and I've been thinking that all I've posted on here lately are a lot of poems and not much comment. The truth is I haven't felt much like writing lately. I'm just treading water at the moment.
I had a great few days in Holland last month and there are a couple of trips to look forward to at Christmas and Easter but still there is a feeling of sadness lurking just beneath the surface of my daily life.
I can't put my finger on why though, it is just a low-level feeling of drifting along with no particular direction. I know what would help, I should clear out all the stuff that has been sitting around since the great schism of 2012 and move on. Easier to say than to do. The issue is, move on to what?
I don't know what I need. A relationship? Perhaps although I'm pretty good at buggering those up so I'm not sure that would improve my mood. Loads of money? Again, that would be pleasant but I get by so hey ho.
I am at a loss. Maybe I need to set to and clear out the detritus of my old life and go with the flow. Ah, the flow. A great idea going with the flow. It's something I've been trying to do for ages and here I am still bumping up against the river bank like an abandoned boat. Time to start the engine and navigate, drifting on the tide is getting me nowhere. To have a direction though I will need a destination and thereby lies the rub, I see no destination that is attractive to me.
I imagine by now, if you've read this far you'll be thinking what a load of waffle, feel free to do so. I find it cathartic to write down my thoughts and share them with whoever cares to read this drivel. I also keep a journal and that helps as well but putting my heart on my sleeve in a relatively public forum does make me feel like I'm having a chat with an old friend.
It is an old friend who doesn't judge but lets me talk, ramble if you like and get stuff off my chest which I would otherwise bottle up and stew over to no positive end.
Still, tomorrow is another day when I may well get some whoop-de-doop from somewhere to give my craft a shove back into the mainstream and allow me to actually be happy rather than just pretending. Not that I'm so good at pretending as those who know my Eeyorish tendencies would attest to.
So as it's now nine fifteen I'll say ttfn and be kind to one another. Peace and Love. x

The fellow from Brighton

There was a young fellow from Brighton

Who put on a mask folks to frighten

One look in the mirror

Sent him all a quiver

That scary young fellow from Brighton

Warning: don't read this if you are easily offended.

There was a young lass from Brazil

Who forgot she was not on the pill

She went out with a bloke

And had a quick poke

That pregnant young lass from Brazil

So…

So… (26 Oct. 14)

So two became one

And the dark nights begun

Thick jumpers and soup

And nights by the fire

With cocoa and book

Until spring comes again

To brighten things up

Halloween

Halloween (25 Oct. 14)

Halloween is on its way

The trick or treaters at your door

You wish they'd all just go away

So you can get up from the floor

 

 

The cat II

The cat II (24 Oct. 14)

The cat sat on the mat

So the child's rhyme goes

Not this cat

This cat sat on the chair

The bed

The sofa

The dining table

The opened-out cardboard box

Anywhere but the mat!

Sorry.

Sorry about all the poetry, if you can call it that. The verses just pop into my head and rather than waste them I decided to inflict them upon the readers of this blog.
I hope some of them are good, I know some are poor but they arrive along with the better ones and I can't help but set them down as well.
Anyway, I hope at least some are enjoyable and I will continue sticking them down as they turn up. ttfn
Peace and Love x

The cat

The cat (24 Oct. 14)

The sleeping cat

Is all a-twitch

He's counting sheep

Or chasing bunnies.

But cats can't count

Or perhaps they can

And keep it secret

To fool the likes of me

Who think they can't.

Vegas

Vegas (24 Oct. 14)

Vegas they say

Is a great trip away

So I'm going to stay

For a day

Or seven

Which is a week

For those who don't know

A pheasant

A Pheasant (24 Oct. 14)

How pleasant

A pheasant

Wandering alone

Amongst the vegetation

In the garden

In Autumn.

The Clocks

The Clocks (23 Oct. 14)

The clocks go back

The nights are dark

But in our hearts

The light remains

We don't need light

To show our love

For all we care for

Is still there.

The Muse

The Muse (20 Oct. 14)

The Muse once upon me has drifted away

I'm finding it hard to know what to say

In rhyme or in blank verse

I'm not sure which is worse

When The Muse once upon me has drifted away.

The hotel room

My hotel room (9 October 2014)

Alone and thinking

About what to do

In a half known city

Beer and food consumed

People in the bar

All similar

Or not

Who knows

What goes on outside

My hotel room.

The Light

The Light (6 October 2014)

The light

At the end of the tunnel

A train coming towards you?

Or perhaps

Salvation.

Nothing on

Nothing on (6 October 2014)

There's nothing on the TV

The radio is quite dull

So I'm sitting at my laptop

Writing a poem

Just for you.

Empathy

Empathy (6 October 2014)

Feeling another's pain

Wishing it away

So they can be happy again

Letting them know

You are there by their side

In body and mind

So they are never alone

You are always at hand

In fact or by phone.

Danger

Danger (4 October 2014)

Danger of death

The sign says

A warning

To the adventurous

Or foolhardy ones

Who would climb up

Past the coil of barbed wire

To be flung back down

Dead.

Rain

Rain (4 October 2014)

It pours down

Onto streets for many weeks dry

Drains gurgle as they swallow

The rain

From a lowering sky

 

 

 

 

The Waves

The Waves (3 October 2014)

The rolling, roiling waves

Tumble onto a sandy shore

Under a steel grey sky

Against a strong west wind

In the autumn

Of the year.

 

Sunday-a poem

Anxiety (28 Sep. 14)

Anxiety rises in the morning

Like a black sun

The morning, the day, the week

Stretches before you

No light

Just a nameless fear

Of what?

Of everything and nothing.

Some random thoughts.

I'm starting this entry with a completely muddled mind. I have so much going through my head just now that I don't know where to start or what to do.
I have a load of tasks and little motivation to do them other than the fear of not doing them.
I want to be positive and proactive, leap into action and clear out the storage unit which has been festering for so long, clear out the lumber room in the house so I can turn it into a guest room should anyone ever want to come and stay, give the house a good clean and get the garden ready for winter.
Perhaps I need a plan of campaign and set some deadlines for these various tasks. Procrastination is my enemy and always has been. I don't do well on my own yet that has been my state on and off, mainly on, for most of my adult life.
My perception is that people look at me and see a loner who interacts with others in a distant fashion, someone who is detached with a sardonic, even sarcastic demeanour. This is my defence mechanism, I hide behind bad jokes, witty one liners and a general air of self-deprecation and coolness.
 It seems whenever I raise this portcullis and become close to someone the situation ends in disappointment on both sides. I'm OK on a superficial basis but as soon as emotional attachment becomes involved I screw up and am left picking up the pieces. Sometimes many of those pieces are left strewn like a trail of disappointed breadcrumbs leading to a bruised ego and battered self-esteem which then leaves me to retreat behind my aforementioned defences.
What's the answer? I have no idea. I use this blog as an outlet for my thoughts and feelings and have been criticised for wearing my heart on my sleeve and giving too much information about my struggles with anxiety and depression. Some people may look down on me for this approach and that's fine if they feel better by doing so. I have no ego where that sort of thing is concerned.
Others have been supportive, usually fellow sufferers who know what it is like to wake up in the morning with that feeling of, actually I can't describe the feeling so I won't try. Suffice to say it is rotten.
Generally though when these low periods subside and the 'normal' periods come to the fore I am happy with my life; it's only when the troughs come that I yearn for a special person to come along and give me an arm to lean on.
I've just read through what I've written above and it seems to be a bit of a ramble. That though is what my head is like inside at the moment, a gentle swirl, I won't say maelstrom as that would be over egging the pudding, of angst and low grade gloom which I'm trying to fight off. A bit like having a cold which won't come out I can only describe the whole thing it as a general feeling of 'meh'.
So feel free to criticise my putting this in the public domain, mock me for being weak, empathise with me or ignore the whole thing, that's up to you. All I know is that writing about how I feel helps me go on so hey ho and ttfn.
Peace and Love x

More blasted poetry-will it never end?

Want Vs Need

I want you here

You say

I'll go

I need you here

You say

I'll stay.

September-another poem

September (20 Sep. 14)

A dull September day

Clouds as far as the eye can see

Damp, cool and grey

Waiting for brightness to come again.

Until the sun breaks through those clouds

Enjoy the fact that you're alive

And able to experience

This dull September day.

Another poem (with apologies to Mr McGonagall)

The Noes have no'd. 19 Sep. 14

 

The noes have no'd and the yesses yessed

It was quite tight

We'd have never guessed.

As processes go it was civilised

Unlike some votes

When folk have died.

And now we move

To a future bright

Or is it back to the same dark night?

Let's hope the powers that be

Have had a fright

And now can lead us

Into the light

Two more then I’ll stop for a while. Promise!

Sad

Is it bad to be sad?

Not always I'd say.

There are things in the World

That make you that way.

But it's good to be glad

With what you can see

A flower in the field

A bird in a tree

So it can be OK to be sad for a while

But better to look for a chance of a smile.

 

Snoozing

Is it the boozing

That sends me to snoozing?

Or counting the sheep

That sends me to sleep?

Oh no! Not another one!

They won't go away

It's true what they say

They won't go away

No matter how bad

They're here to stay

 

Are they rhyme or free verse?

Not sure which is worse

But there's one thing for sure

They won't go away

My Poems Won’t Go Away

Working at home

 

It's hard to be working at home

There's much to do

So I'll write a poem

About working at home

It helps to get the work done

When you're writing a poem

About working at home.

The Future.

As I may have mentioned before, after the Great Schism of 2012 I decided that I would live in the day and not look too far forward.
Today though my mind drifted to the future and what it might hold. I have made great progress on The Tale and have moved rapidly from draft one to draft three in the last few days thanks to great help from my esteemed Brother and my friends Ian and Barbara, not Ian's Barbara, this is another one who is a writer and lecturer in writing.
Anyway, this got me to thinking about what I will be doing in the not too distant future when the time comes to hang up my cutlass and tri-corn hat.
I hope that if I'm spared I will find a small place overlooking the sea where I can walk on the beach, go to the pub, visit America and write, not necessarily in that order. The writing bug has really caught me now that I can see progress with The Tale which I will refer to from now as West goes West, since that is its working title.
This writing malarkey is quite fun and now that an idea is moving forward I can see where Bob is going, yes you got it, west. I hope to turn this initial story into the first of a series chronicling Bob's life and maybe, depending on many imponderables, that of his offspring so over time we move from 1865 to the present day.
I find writing a cathartic exercise, it takes my mind to a place where the daily grind is put on the back burner for a while and I can immerse myself in another world and a different life. Perhaps it is the life I led in a previous incarnation, if you believe in such things, because the idea came from nowhere and whenever I am in America I feel as if I have been there before, which I have but you know what I mean, particularly the west. It could of course be all those formative years watching 'The Virginian', 'The High Chapparal' and 'The Lone Ranger' but allow me the romantic thought of the former theory rather than the latter.
Still, writing is my game now, West goes West is the main thing, but fear not, I will still be regaling you with my execrable poetry; which I like to think of as free form rather than tripe.
The poetry is a bit like this blog. I sit down and start writing whatever comes into my head so that it is a representation of my thoughts at the moment they hit the page rather than a planned essay on life which is something I would struggle with. Life as well as the essay.
On that note I think it's time to go. So Peace and Love x ttfn

A step forward.

I have been havering about letting anyone see the first draft of my first instalment of The Tale which has been finished for a while.
I've just been too scared to show it to anyone. Tonight I bit the bullet and sent copies to my brother who has had books and magazine articles published and to a good pal in Scotland who is a published poet. I'm working on the basis that these two chaps should know what they are talking about.
Depending upon their reactions I may be a budding writer with a brother and a good pal in Scotland or a budding writer deficient of said persons.
Of course accepting constructive criticism is the only way to improve in all areas of life but as I am a delicate flower I may sulk in my garret for a while if they get too brutal in their constructiveness.
Looking on the positive side they may think I am the next Henry James or George Orwell or conversly they may think I have the writing talents of Henry the hoover or George from Rainbow*. Either way I will know what I need to do to get my scribblings out to a wider audience so that you may all; all, what am I on about? Both, enjoy the fruits of my imagination.
Still whatever happens I will continue to write since I enjoy it and I will stick my poems on here just to annoy you if nothing else.
Speaking of poems, I seem to have the muse upon me tonight so I may sit up into the early hours scribing away and producing more McGonagallist piffle unless large sums of cash are remitted to me by dawn.
And on that note I'll be off. Peace and Love ttfn x

*George from Rainbow = a Pink hippo in a 1980's UK children's programme.

More poetry - sorry

Another one for your delectation.

 

 

Alone

It's awful being alone some say

No one to talk to, no one to play with

Silence, an empty chair, an empty bed

No shared laughter or tears

A sad existence on your tod.

 

It's great to be alone say others

No one to argue with, no one to fight with

Silence, a choice of chair, a roomy bed

Laugh or cry at will

A happy existence on your tod.

 

The difference?

Choice

Aloneness enforced is a swine

In a world of noise and bustle

Loneliness and silence

Hell

Aloneness chosen is a blessing

In a world of noise and bustle

Quietude and peace

Bliss

 

 

More rubbish poetry

Here’s another poem that came into my head unbidden. It may be tripe but it’s my tripe.

The March

Dawn came, we march another day

With it came rain to drench us on our way

We picked up our packs and formed in threes

And set off through the rain and trees.

The mud was thick upon our boots

We stumbled over rocks and roots

We trudged towards a distant trench

Towards the awful gut-wrenching stench.

When will it end this dreadful fight?

Will we see another night?

Yet still we trudge through rain and trees
Formed up still in our threes.

Washing.

I'm doing a spot of washing so while it's in the machine I will regale you with my latest thoughts.

I woke up this morning, which is always a good start to the day I think, with the desire to find myself someone special to spend quality time with. This person does not necessarily have to be beautiful on the outside as long as they are interesting and interested, oh and female. Chaps are all very well but to have a person in ones life in a meaningful and supportive fashion my leanings would always be toward the feminine. No offence guys. For a roistering good time chaps are great but for a combination of a spot of roistering and gentle companionship the girls win every time in my book. I'm sure someone will say I'm being sexist one way or another but what can I say? I prefer women's company when it is available and will make do with blokes in the interim.

Now I'm not talking about sex here, although my leanings are to the heterosexual.You know, I reckon I'm going to quit while I'm behind and stop now.

Lovely day for a spot of washing isn't it? My second load is in and I think that will do for today. There is a mushroom stir-fry with ginger sauce waiting in the wings for dinner, plenty of books to be read and The Tale to be moved on so rather than alienate the whole populace I will get on and do something else until I have something more sensible to say.

Peace and Love ttfn. x

Writing

So I keep trying to produce some writing and constantly find myself falling at the first fence. I have some corking ideas which seem to fizzle out once I start to put them into a story or a tale. I've also written a few poems but I'm pretty sure they don't scan or rhyme or make any sense. Having said that, I'm not sure they need to. If I write what's in my head who cares about the rules?
The question is, I have about three, maybe four short stories on the stocks as we speak. Should I try to finish them or start something new? My inclination is to finish what I've started.But what then? How do I get them out to the discerning public? There is no publisher worth their salt who would take them on so it seems they need to be made public another way. I've tried putting my poems on here but no-one seems to read them, or if they do I'm getting no feedback.
Anyway, I'll finish a tale soon and post it on here somehow and hope that someone will read it and let me know if I'm wasting my time or not.
Until then, ttfn.
Peace and Love. x

Not much to say really...

... so I don't know why I'm bothering but it's good to talk so why not?
Anyway, what's going on in the world, is there any good news? Wars, pestilence and death seem to be the prevailing topics exercising the media just now.
Robin Williams sad demise has had the usual sensitive coverage the papers and TV news reserve for such events and suddenly everyone is an expert on depression.
I wish people would try to educate themselves more about such things before they start spouting off in public.
Depression is a disease not a lifestyle choice and no, people who suffer can't 'snap out of it' or 'just get on with it' they, we, really do suffer and sometimes, more often than not in fact we can't pin down why, as Stephen Fry says, it just is and it can't be explained.
So please, if you know someone who suffers just let them know you are there for them when they need you and don't try 'tough love' or a 'good talking to' because that doesn't work. Sensitivity and empathy are what is needed not what sometimes can amount to bullying.
People who suffer from depression need help to recover and don't need to be pushed or cajoled. Believe me I know, such approaches are counter-productive and are likely to make things worse.
If you want to help, be there.
And on that note, ttfn.
Peace and Love. x

Here's one.

Grass don't grow.

I used to have a head of hair

but now it's gone I don't know where

I checked my chest and 

I checked my feet

but all I know is

Grass don't grow on a busy street.

Another poem

 

This one's a bit more cheerful. J

 

The evening sun (7 August 2014)

You have to love the evening sun

Shining out on everyone.

The shadows deepen but I don't care

The evening sun she is still there.

She helps us all to have some fun

Our good old friend the evening sun.

Drinking wine or even beer

Under that lovely girl, the evening sun.

Some Poems

Here are some poems I wrote. They aren't Wordsworth, but I try.

Green Tea (29 May 14)

Green Tea is good for you

Refreshing and tasty

It beats coffee too

Although I might be hasty

 

Money (29 May 14)

Money.

Who needs it?

We all do.

Don't we?

 

Separation (6 Aug 14)

Separation is an awful thing

Which leaves us all bereft

Loneliness and longing come

In waves over the poor soul who

Has been left

Sadness comes in waves

Between attempts to laugh

Renew life and forget

The hurt

When does the pain of separation leave?

Unlike the one who has gone

Never.

 

I drink to forget (6 Aug 14)

I drink to forget

Forget what?

I don't recall.

 

 

As darkness falls (6 Aug 14)

As darkness falls

The walls

Close in.

As darkness falls

The light

Goes.

As darkness falls

The sadness

Comes.

As darkness falls

My hope

Leaves.

As darkness falls.

 

New Love (6 Aug 14)

It will never end

New Love.

Happiness is eternal

New Love.

We touch and can't

Be apart.

New Love

We call and text

Good Morning

And

Good Night.

Then we stop.

It's gone

New Love.

Wanderlust

I have something of a wanderlust on me at the moment.
You'd think it would be enough that over the next few months I have trips coming up for both work and pleasure, not that work isn't pleasure since I love being a trainer but it's still work. Anyway, I digress, even though I travel a lot and have trips planned through to next April I still wish I could travel more. I wonder all the time about where to go and what to do when I get there.
I travel in my mind, through books, Google Maps, strange foreign web sites (no, not THAT sort of strange foreign website, you tinkers), magazines and newspapers wondering about the lives people lead in other countries, not even other countries, other parts of this country exercise my imagination as well.
I hope, all things being equal to be able to afford to travel even more once, if, I'm able to retire and am still fit enough to wander the streets of cities, familiar and unfamiliar, explore coastlines and countryside and all the time write down what I've seen and done for the edification and entertainment of both myself and anyone else who cares to read my ramblings.
I adore travel, meeting new people, making new friends and reacquainting myself with old ones. Travel broadens the mind so it is said and I've been fortunate over the last few years to have been able, thanks in no small part to a certain ex-wife of mine to travel to places I would never have otherwise visited and met people I would never have met which has indeed broadened said mind.
I always loved the idea of travel, I remember as a small boy when my Uncle went to Europe on holiday, we always holidayed at home, or talked about his time in Canada as a trainee pilot during the Second World War thinking that I would love to go to the places he talked about. He gave me a map of Canada and I travelled through that great country in my imagination many times and always wished I could go there. I did eventually get there some 40-odd years later and was not disappointed.
There was a point to all this which I seem to have lost somewhere along the way but never mind, suffice to say that I love travel and hope to be able to continue. And on that note I will close and say ttfn.
Peace and Love. x

Do cats Burp?

Just a thought.

It has been a long time.

I haven't written anything on here for ages as I've run out of things to say.
The old mood has been up and down like a thing that goes up and down a lot, from feeling happy and content one day to feeling completely lost the next; but on balance I suppose I have been OK.
Still, I suppose that isn't of any interest to anyone who reads this drivel so apart from reporting that I was in Essex yesterday visiting some old friends, which was fun, and that I've booked a trio of trips for later this year and early next I have nothing to say.
So, in conclusion, I have been a boring old man sitting at home, in the club or on a train to go and deliver another training course.
On that scintillating note this is Mr Boring saying ttfn.

Peace and Love x

Down.

I just had a blow to my mood today when I saw that Madame changed to her new married name on Facebook. Now in the great scheme of things this is nothing to the suffering of millions of people throughout the world and I should just get over myself and get on with my life accepting that that chapter of it is well and truly closed and the book taken out of print.
Silly me though still held out a smidgen of hope that even though she had remarried there might still be a chance of a reconciliation at some stage. That of course was stupid of me. There'll be no reconciliation, I am gone and am now just a friend, if that, and she has a new life.
I do not.
Have a new life.
Just a day-to-day.
Existence.

I hope for better things to come.

Peace and Love. ttfn x

Lonely or alone?

As I sit here on my own, well, not entirely on my own, I have a snoozing kitty by my side, I have begun thinking about the difference between being lonely and being alone.
I'm sure greater minds than mine have addressed this question over the years and have no doubt come up with great philosophical treatises on the subject and that's fine, but you are now about to be regaled with my simplistic waffle on how I see the difference.
I have felt very lonely at times in quite large gatherings. Particularly where I've felt somehow out of place, Thanksgiving at my ex parents-in-law for instance as a foreigner celebrating the survival of people who left my country and whose descendants rebelled against her. That sounds a bit harsh and isn't exactly what I'm trying to get across. What I mean is that I felt alien, odd and somehow not needed. They didn't go out of their way to make me feel that way, in fact just the opposite but there I had an underlying feeling that they were somehow better than me because they had moved on. I don't know, I'm making a bad job of explaining.
A better example of loneliness perhaps is a more recent occurrence; I was on a train to Edinburgh surrounded by a group of women who had all known each other for a long time and were off to celebrate the 50th birthday of one of their number. One of these women said, very loudly as they were all quite 'happy' "we are all in relationships, we should have a get-together somewhere with all our partners....". At that point I tuned her out somewhat as the realisation hit me that I was on my own in life without a partner. To me, that was loneliness right there.
At other times I sit in the house or maybe in a pub whilst I'm away travelling, my trip to Las Vegas being a good example and think to myself that although I'm alone, I'm not lonely. I am enjoying my solitude and the peace it brings. It doesn't have to be a quiet place, I can be alone and content in the loudest of bars, I just sit in my little world and enjoy my introspection, watching the world go by.
I think loneliness comes when perhaps one expects to be in company and it turns out that although the people are there they are more interested in each other than in you or, as I said earlier you have little or nothing in common with those you are amongst.
I am not explaining myself very well but there is a big difference between being alone and being lonely. I'm just not very good at putting across what that difference is. I suppose we all react differently to our particular circumstances and what makes some people feel lonely frees others to be content in their solitude.
Still, I hope that people can learn to enjoy being alone as well as being in company and get the best out of all situations. One of the worst feelings in the world is feeling alone in a crowd and I hope that if I come across someone looking lost and alone I can help them to be free from the sadness that can bring and be clever enough to tell the difference between someone feeling lonely in a crowd and someone enjoying their solitude.
Anyway enough of this rambling, I may well try to revisit this subject another time and hope that I can convey my thoughts a little more clearly.
Until then, Peace and Love ttfn x

Here's one.

Writer's Block

I don't know what to write,

the blank page is my foe.

I stare at the expanse of paper

watching it grow.

Blankness, blankness,

no idea what to say, where to go.

Will I ever write another word?

I really do not know.

Ground to a halt.

It would appear that apart from my daily journal which I write by hand in a notebook my attempts at writing have ground to a shuddering halt.
My poetry sits neglected in the office upstairs and in a variety of small notebooks dotted around the place, a series of half-started stories sit weeping alone in said office or on Google Drive whilst poor old Bob West and his lovely wife languish somewhere in the mid-West of the USA waiting for my instructions. Even this blog has sat alone in bars staring morosely at its drink wondering what went wrong with it's relationship with me.
So what to do? Step one I guess is what I'm doing now, rescuing my poor blog from its lonely existence and writing something on it.
Step two is get the poems going, step three, sit down over the weekend and get poor old Bob on the move. As to the rag-bag of other stories and tales, they will have to wait their turn until Bob has reached a good stopping point. His tale is a series of short stories so I should be able to finish the first one; he just got married and discovered his wife was pregnant so that would be a good place to finish this part of his life. The baby can be born and I'll revisit him when they have settled down a bit and start a new episode.
In the meantime I'll see what I can rescue from the wreckage of all the others and maybe get a one-off done. Since this weekend is not looking too clever for gardeneering I may as well get going again with my literary aspirations and share that with having a clear out in the spare room.
I shall return next week with an update.
Until then, Peace and Love. ttfn x

The future revisited.

Do you remember what I wrote the other day about my feelings in relation to the future? I was talking shite.

ttfn

The future.

A thought just struck me a couple of minutes ago about how I'm looking at my feelings and emotions. I do have low moods and feelings of anxiety at times but what struck me was that I may have been interpreting the anxious feelings wrongly.
Could it be that what I'm experiencing is not fear or foreboding but expectation? Quite often the worry that I feel is not about a tangible event that is on the horizon but some unknown occurrence which could just as well be good as bad.
I can understand worrying about doctors appointments or dental exams where I know there is the possibility that there will be pain or discomfort involved, but the unknown, the future, should hold no fear, rather it should hold optimism and hope.
Who said the future should be bad? There is no reason why one can't look at what is to come with the hope of happiness rather than the expectation of misery. Sometimes these things are a self-fulfilling prophecy, if one expects doom and gloom maybe that is what you will get. If one looks forward to the future and expects harmony and happiness perhaps that is the more likely outcome.
I don't know. There is sadness and unhappiness in the world, but equally there is much fun and happiness. We can't manage the future, what comes our way comes our way whatever we do, all we can do is try to look for the positives and be optimistic.
I may of course be talking utter tripe but you never know. On that note, be positive; Love and Peace. ttfn x

The best laid plans.

I was all geared up to cut the grass and do a spot if light weeding today until I awoke to a damp morning which knocked that idea on the head. Instead I have been sitting around reading and thinking and generally doing a whole lot of not very much.
My main thinking has been around the trip I would like to take for my birthday week in October and so I've been putting my mind to the various possibilities. Now I know I said I was going to live in the day and not plan too much but I think such trips do need to be planned for so here I am looking on the various trip booking, hotel and airline websites to get an idea of cost. It isn't a cheap activity to travel these days so I may well have to put off my ideal trip, a return to Vegas until another day and cut my cloth a little closer. Having said that, a trip to Vegas for 7 nights is not much more than some trips to the near Continent. This is mainly because the hotels in Vegas tend to be cheaper and they offset the higher transatlantic air fares whilst most of the hotels in Europe are somewhat higher even though the flights are cheaper.
Anyway, enough of that, what I am trying to say is that I need a trip for my birthday week and can't decide where to go. Mind you, in my opinion a good proportion of the fun of travelling is in the planning although some may disagree so that isn't a problem for me.
This year my birthday falls on a Wednesday and as that was the day of the week I was actually born on it will be 56 years to the day on the 15th October when I arrived to bring fun, happiness and a degree of misery to all those I have encountered.
Back to the trip; having set aside Vegas as a destination I am now looking for inspiration and as it is October when I plan to travel it would be best I should say to go somewhere warm. I am toying with Malta or Gibraltar at the moment so I think I'll go now and look up those particular destinations and see what's what. Don't be surprised though to find that I've decided on Vegas. Even though I say I've discounted it for now you just never know. I'm in love with the place for some unaccountable reason so there is always a voice in the back of my mind saying "go to Vegas".
Still, all will be revealed in good time so until then, Love and Peace. ttfn x

Not much.

I've not had much to say lately so I haven't been writing on here since I see no point in posting for posting's sake.
I managed with the help of The Brother to get the garden planted over the Easter Holidays. I haven't been out to see how it's going lately since it has not been dry since we finished. That is good in a way as it meant that I wasn't constantly out watering everything so I shouldn't complain but you know me, nothing I like better than a good whinge.
Anyway, that's all really I just wanted to let you all (all? who am I kidding?) know that I'm still in the land of the living and that the old beard is coming along nicely.
So ttfn. Peace and Love. x

A Poem?

Back Together

We get back together

What do we do?

Make the same mistakes?

Split up again.

You’ll never change

Nor will I

A new approach from both

That will work

A change of attitude

Forget the past

Then it would work

If not

No chance of success

The power of words.

I am in the process of reading "How to Stop Worrying and Start Living" by Dale Carnegie, the man who wrote "How to Win Friends and Influence People". This book is a work of genius; it has changed my whole outlook on life in the space of less than ten days.
A week past Monday I was sitting under a cloud of gloom caused by Madame's marriage and the death of an old pal. Now, sad as I am at both events I have realised that there was nothing I could say or do to influence either one. I will remember the happy times with both and try to maintain a supportive contact with my pal's wife but I have realised that wishing for the past to change and the inevitable not occur is a waste of time, effort and emotion.
Most of my past problems have revolved around wishing things had been different or worrying about things that may or may not happen. I accept those things I can't change, will try to change those things which I can and learn from past mistakes, forget them and move on.
I intend to live in the day, what is past is gone and learned from, what is to come can be planned for if I know it is coming and any shocks and surprises I will deal with in the best way that I can by working out what I can influence and leaving anything that I can't influence up to fate.
As Fred Fuller Shedd said, "You can't saw sawdust".
I may still have down days but at least my new philosophy will mean that I am not dwelling on the past, or fretting about the future.
Peace and Love, ttfn. x

If at first.

If at first

If at first you don’t succeed they say

then you must find another way

so gird your loins

and lets away

to live to fight another day.

The grass is greener

The Grass is greener

The grass is greener on the other side

So the saying goes

Is the grass so green beyond?

No one really knows

Since when they are on that other ground

The grass is greener on the other side.

In the pub

In the pub

Sitting in the pub

Pint of beer in hand

People all around

Such a happy band

Alone in the corner

A strange man to most

Separate from the others

Who make a cheerful host

No-one comes to join me

Still I’m all alone

Sitting in the pub

Pint of beer in hand.

I really wish - a poem.

This is not the best poem in the world but it helps me to get by to write some lines even though they might seem trite and poor to some.

I really wish

I really wish she had not gone

and left the home we made.

I really thought that we were strong

and our love would never fade.

I really wish that she’d come back

from her new home far away.

I know that it will not occur

she’s lost her love for me.

I really wish I did not care

and that my heart was harder.

If that was so I could move on

and my future may look brighter.

Triggered.

The empty feeling that entered the pit of my stomach on Monday morning when I discovered that Madame had married again and the faint hopes I had of a reconciliation had drifted further away remains seated where it landed.
I hate this feeling, it is the sign that I have been triggered again and a low mood is upon me, sorry that sounded a bit pretentious. What I'm trying to say is that finding out that Madame is now married to someone other than me has triggered my depression.
I suppose we all have our triggers be it for depression, anger or happiness, I know that I have lived on the edge of falling into a low mood since the original trigger in 2012 when I received the first notification that Madame wanted a divorce. I fought and argued and tried to change her mind but she was adamant that our marriage was over and she was going back to the US. That pushed me into a black hole which I have slowly been climbing out of, I have had good days and bad days in the intervening period but in the main my progress has been upward. Until Monday morning.
The discovery that she had married again came on top of the news that an old friend had died suddenly and unexpectedly so I was upset over that and the thought of his poor wife having to cope with such a sudden loss when this second, albeit minor in comparison to my friend's wife's, bombshell landed with a thud via Facebook. At first I seemed to be coping quite well with the news but as the day dragged on my mood dipped as the realisation hit that probably Madame would never be back and that I would never see her again.
On a slightly different note, is it selfish of me to be upset that no-one who knows her and me and who know she has re-married has asked me how I feel about the whole thing. In fact very few people have said anything to me by way of consolation or commiseration since the whole farrago began. I know who has and I appreciate them for it.
I think perhaps I invested too much of my emotional well-being in the relationship and when it went wrong there was nothing left for me to fall back on. Still, writing all this has helped a bit and as Henry James said, this too shall pass.