It's a cold winter Wednesday...

... and I'm sitting snuggled up to a kitty thinking about not very much. It makes a change for my mind and imagination to be at rest for a few minutes. It has been a while since my brain has had a chance to drift and think of nothing other than which potato to bake tonight for tea.
My life and my emotions have been in a whirl for I can't remember how long but I think thanks to the break in Vegas and the formulation of a 5-year plan my emotions have decided to settle down a little. I'm not of course saying that all is rosy in heddonlad world but at least I know what I want to do and the planning of the course I want to take helps to raise my mood somewhat.
As I said in my blog the other day, I am a little more hopeful about how my interactions with Madame are going and although I have hope there is still a part of me preparing for life alone since that is still the most likely outcome.
If the 5-year plan does come to pass I certainly won't miss the cold and damp of the Winter, although a bright crisp Northumbrian day is still a delight with her fantastic aspects, be they coast or country at their best in the clear fresh air.
So now to other things, perhaps a look at The Story or maybe I'll write a line or two of a new tale yet to be dragged screaming from my subconscious, who knows? That's the fun of being a creative genius (that's a joke, by the way), it all comes from who knows where and ends up on paper by a mysterious process I have no control over. Even these blogs are a stream of conciousness without plan or form when I set out, just a vague idea that I want to say something to those few of you out there who look at my ramblings.
So off I go, ttfn.

Guess what?

I'm in Leeds again. I must say that all this travel has kept me sane this last 12 months. Without it I think I would have had a breakdown by now.
As I said in my last blog Madame is here, in fact she has been and gone. We had a good couple of days going through more boxes of stuff and sorting out where it needs to go. It is slow progress but slow progress is better than no progress.
As I said, it was a good couple of days and I have come out the other side with some hope that maybe Madame is softening a little towards the idea of a reconciliation. I am undoubtedly deluding myself on that and will probably be setting myself up for more sadness when I find that my expectations do not match reality.
What can I say? I live in hope and expect failure, or should that be hope for the best and plan for the worst, either way what has to be will be and it's all out of my control so I wait...
ttfn

Madame is here.

Madame is indeed here. We have gone through some stored stuff and she is currently having a nap before we go and collect the kitties from kitty kamp.
I feel very strange about the whole her being here thing, it feels to me like we have never been apart and that we aren't divorced. Whenever she is here it feels like she's back from a business trip and is about to go on another. I feel odd.
Madame says she doesn't feel that way, to her we are finished as a couple (which legally and physically we are) and remain friends (which we do), however to me the connection hasn't been severed completely and I still feel that there is some hope for the future.
It's very puzzling and I don't know what to do. I know we can never recapture what we once had and it's doubtful that we would ever start again as a couple (especially as she is now engaged elsewhere) but I still hold this candle for her and can't quite shake the feeling that we finished too soon, that there was more life in the relationship and it was ended before it's time.
I don't know.
I will continue to live day-to-day and hang my hat on my 5 year plan for retirement.
Speaking of which, my plan currently is at a very early stage and consists of the purchase of a static caravan on a site near the coast, Amble or somewhere similar to stay in from March to November. I would then rent a place somewhere warm, probably in South West USA from December to February. That's it so far, much more work needs to be done on the details and logistics of the whole idea but it's a start and from little acorns great oaks to grow.
Time for me to stop now.  Until next time, ttfn.

Feeling strange.

Well here I am at Vegas airport on my way back to the UK. It's funny but I still get the same old feeling that I used to get when I left Madame in DC all those years ago. I doubt I will ever entirely get over our failed marriage. I suppose as the years go by it will be a fainter and fainter feeling of loss but it still hurts right now. It does come in waves though whereas it used to be a steady river of sadness. Still it's better having her as a friend than not at all, eh?

Last day in Vegas.

Today is my last day in Vegas. I hope to be back, just as I hope to be able to put my plan into action of staying here in the Winter once I retire. Until then it is back to the reality of being a sad single middle-aged Civil Servant living without the person he thought would be there alongside him for the rest of his days.
I am feeling a little low today because it is the end of my holiday/vacation and that has always been a trigger for a low mood to set in. I trace it back to childhood when our annual holiday was a break from school which I hated. The thought of having to go back always set me on a downer and still makes me feel sad to this day when I hark back to those times.
I had hoped that this trip would be a chance to lay the ghosts of previous trips with Madame but although I've had a good time for the most part there has been an underlying feeling of something missing, that thing being the companionship we used to have before it all went wrong and to quote her, the relationship 'broke'.
I find myself in a sad place mentally at the moment, my hope is that if I plan things well enough I may be able to come back here at least for regular holidays if not to live part time. The plan will give me a purpose I suppose because without something to look forward to I fear that I'm lost.
I know deep down that I can never re-establish what I had with Madame until it went wrong, she has made a new life back in the US with a new man, I am now just part of her past with no likelihood of ever becoming part of her present in a relationship way again.
I need to push on and make a new life for myself, it has been nearly 12 months since the divorce went through so surely I should be able to sort myself out by now. I can't recall how long it took last time to recover from my first debacle (sorry, marriage) so I don't have much of a yardstick to measure my recovery period to. I will just have to soldier on I suppose and hope things improve with time. Life has been up and down this last couple of years, I really hope that I can find a way to eliminate the downs and get on an even keel.
Until that day comes, well I just don't know.
ttfn

Hold on lads, I've got an idea.

To quote Michael Caine in the Italian Job. My idea is this, when I retire I would like to live for part of the year in Las Vegas and the rest of the time in the UK. I think November to January in Vegas and the remainder of the year in Northumberland is a good split. I could be in the USA on a 90 day visa waiver so there would be no immigration requirements or residency issues.
There is a lot of thought and planning required to take such a big step, foremost being where to live, what to live on, transport and suchlike issues. I will have to get my thinking cap on to see how it would work and speak to people in the know to get advice on how best to make the transition from full time to part time life in the UK and the US.
You may think me mad but why not? I have no-one else to consider now so I may as well try it. If it doesn't work out I will have lost nothing because as I have said I'm not planning to up sticks and leave the UK permanently, only for 3 months of the year so I can always just stop leaving the UK for those 3 months and go back to living in the UK full time.
As so many people say, you only live once so make the best of it. The Winter climate in Vegas is quite pleasant, not too hot or cold, especially compared to England in the Winter so I may as well at least look into the possibility of doing it. Nothing ventured, nothing gained.
ttfn.

It's Vegas, it's Tuesday, it's 4.15 am....

...and I'm sitting up in bed writing this. I have something of a sore throat today, I think it's because I'm so unused to tobacco smoke now that when I do encounter it my body says 'Koff, Koff, go away!'
It is strange after all those years of smoking to be so sensitive to tobacco smoke but at least it puts me off sufficiently to not want to start again and also makes me realise how anti social I was for all those years towards non-smokers, sorry.
I think I'll go for a bit of a wander down The Strip later and see what has changed since my last visit, a fair bit I should imagine. It does feel a little odd to be here on my own. I have the feeling that Madame will walk around the corner any minute, I suppose it's only natural bearing in mind that all my other trips here were with her. Looks like my plan of laying the ghost of previous trips hasn't quite worked out yet, it may still, we'll have to wait and see.
I do love Vegas though, for all the supposed brashness and flashiness there is a normality about it as well as it being a completely alien environment in the middle of a desert. People still get up and go to work, there are teachers, office workers and public servants just like anywhere else. What makes it unusual I suppose is the 24 hour culture; but having said that, even here it is relatively quiet on the streets at 5 am just like many other places. The difference is you can still get a drink, gamble or have a meal in one of the casinos but I suppose you can do that in Reno or Atlantic City as well, who knows what makes it special? I certainly don't.
Vegas is still special though and I do love being here. I wonder if my funds in retirement will stretch to me living here for the Winter months of November to January or will I just have to stay in the UK and wear an extra cardigan. The former I hope. The latter I fear.
ttfn

Oh yes I forgot...

... to say that one of the discount vouchers I was given at check-in to the hotel was for 10% off a walk-in wedding with free transport to the courthouse thrown in. Any offers considered...

From Leeds to Vegas

So there I was on last Thursday on the train to Leeds moaning about how selfish people in the quiet coach don't know how to be quiet and going from the hotel to the office in Leeds thinking about how nice it is sometimes to get some peace and quiet in my hotel room. The next thing I know I'm in Las Vegas commemorating the anniversary of my divorce and sitting in the hotel at 6am Vegas time writing about how nice it is to able to get some peace and quiet in my hotel room. International jet-setter or what?
This trip is by way of a catharsis, I hope to lay the ghost of all the previous trips I made with Madame (fun though they were, apart from the food poisoning incident, man was I sick).
I plan to gamble somewhat, drink moderately and forswear fornication. It is also interesting that even though you are allowed to smoke in the casino and cigarettes are not too expensive I have no desire to start again, that way lies emphysema and many other problems so not for me thank you very much.
I flew through Amsterdam and all the Dutch people I met assumed I was Dutch, it must be my incipient Movember 'tache make me look like I am. Perhaps I should learn to speak the language to keep up the charade.
Anyway, I think I'll go and get a bath and head downstairs for a spot of breakfast. ttfn