Having tried to help myself through books, online reading and mindfulness I've finally accepted that I'd try drugs to get out from under the cloud of depression and anxiety which has bedevilled my life so far. This course I've started on seems to have kicked in, and has given me a more positive attitude.
So, with that in mind and as I'll be 60 in October 2018 I've been cogitating upon where I am in life and where I want to be.
For reasons which are many and varied, since childhood I've never been truly happy or comfortable within myself. Sometimes consciously, other times unconsciously I've been searching for something, I'm not even sure what that something is, or was. I've just been searching, constantly, for whatever it is that I've perceived to be missing.
I've also spent much of my life in self-defeating, self-destructive behaviour from, more recent online gambling through which I got into debt, lost all my money, a marriage and a house to, in earlier years, affairs with married women and excessive drinking which cost me my self-respect and a decent career.
Still, we are where we are and as the big 6-oh appears on the horizon it's time to gather up the loose ends and look forward.
From this New Year for the rest of the time I have left on Earth I'll concentrate on being as good a person as I can, to get out of my self-imposed purdah, save some money, do some writing, read more books and generally stop hiding away from the world.
Whether or not these drugs will remain part of my life and for how long I'll take them depends upon discussions with the doctor and how my mood is affected in the longer term. What I do know is that I'm feeling more positive and long may that continue.
There we have it then. I've left the maze that was my previous life and stand at the threshold of open country before me. Wish me luck.
Peace and Love. x
Saturday 23 December 2017
Saturday 11 November 2017
Cowboy Time
Cowboy Time
Ten to ten
To ten
To ten
To ten
Ten
Ten to ten
To ten
To ten
To ten
To ten ten ten
Cold-a poem
Cold
It's cold tonight
And dark
There is no light
No spark
The Sun will be low
And soon be gone
Leaving its glow
To make way for the moon
Wednesday 8 November 2017
It's that time of year again
It's been nearly two months since I last wrote anything on here. I don't know where the time goes, it just seems to slip past like the waters of a river as the boat of life moves downstream.
Anyway, enough waxing lyrical.
It's that time of year when I start to feel even lower than usual. My birthday has been and gone, the clocks have gone back so the dark nights are upon us, the anniversary of a terrible event in my life fast approaches and the Christmas adverts are on TV, harbingers of another period of false bonhomie and excessive consumption.
Since I'm unsure of how to get out of this sadness-fest I go through each year I'll once again write my thoughts down so that I can, I hope, exorcise them.
It is probably a good idea to look on the bright side. I have, for now, a roof over my head, I have friends who, although I rarely see them can be contacted though social media, I'm losing weight, by the simple expedient of cutting down on alcohol consumption and cutting out cakes and biscuits completely. I was 17 stone 7 lbs when I moved into this flat in August 2015, at the last check yesterday morning I was 15 stone exactly. So far, all good.
But there is as always a but. But, I still have this low level, dull, pit-of-the-stomach aching emptiness about my person which nags away day after day. A while ago I was prescribed drugs by my doctor, they didn't help. All I got was diarrhoea, which admittedly took my mind off my low mood since I was concentrating on not crapping myself every time I went more that 50 feet from a toilet so perhaps they did help a bit.
Like I said, they didn't work and the aforementioned feelings never went away and are still there, all the damn time, to one degree or another. I don't know why I have these low moods, maybe there's a deep-seated cause somewhere but I'm blessed if I know what it is, or if I do I've suppressed it. So until I find a solution I suppose I'll just have to keep on keeping on in the hope that someday the thing in my head that brings me low will go away and leave me in peace.
Until next time, Peace and Love. ttfn x
Anyway, enough waxing lyrical.
It's that time of year when I start to feel even lower than usual. My birthday has been and gone, the clocks have gone back so the dark nights are upon us, the anniversary of a terrible event in my life fast approaches and the Christmas adverts are on TV, harbingers of another period of false bonhomie and excessive consumption.
Since I'm unsure of how to get out of this sadness-fest I go through each year I'll once again write my thoughts down so that I can, I hope, exorcise them.
It is probably a good idea to look on the bright side. I have, for now, a roof over my head, I have friends who, although I rarely see them can be contacted though social media, I'm losing weight, by the simple expedient of cutting down on alcohol consumption and cutting out cakes and biscuits completely. I was 17 stone 7 lbs when I moved into this flat in August 2015, at the last check yesterday morning I was 15 stone exactly. So far, all good.
But there is as always a but. But, I still have this low level, dull, pit-of-the-stomach aching emptiness about my person which nags away day after day. A while ago I was prescribed drugs by my doctor, they didn't help. All I got was diarrhoea, which admittedly took my mind off my low mood since I was concentrating on not crapping myself every time I went more that 50 feet from a toilet so perhaps they did help a bit.
Like I said, they didn't work and the aforementioned feelings never went away and are still there, all the damn time, to one degree or another. I don't know why I have these low moods, maybe there's a deep-seated cause somewhere but I'm blessed if I know what it is, or if I do I've suppressed it. So until I find a solution I suppose I'll just have to keep on keeping on in the hope that someday the thing in my head that brings me low will go away and leave me in peace.
Until next time, Peace and Love. ttfn x
Saturday 16 September 2017
Morning!
Old Man
A tuneful old man from Bray
Played his tuba whilst lying in Hay
He soon choked on his tongue
Afore he'd played for too long
He's lying in Hay to this day.
Thursday 14 September 2017
A Cloud
A Cloud
There was a small cloud in the sky
Who was scared at being so high
So he grabbed onto a hill
And some valleys did fill
That foggy young cloud in the sky
A new poem
I was just reading about depression and how debilitating it can be when people feel the need to pretend everything is OK and this poem came into my head.
How are You?
Hey! Long time no see, how are you?
I'm fine, never better, in the pink.
I lie,
Whilst dying inside, a lump of undefined
Sadness gnawing at me for no reason
That I can find. It's just there gnawing at me,
No respite, just a constant chew, chew, chew
At the very fibre of my being, leaving me
Exhausted because I'm fine, never better, in the pink.
Now I know that many poetic purists will criticize my style, lack of scanning/rhyming and many other poetry rules that I fail to observe. I'm also sure that many will think my poetry is crap. That's fine. And I'm not sure why I feel the need to defend my poems other than my innate lack of a sense of self-worth but all I have to say is that they just come to me, I don't spend ages agonizing over them, they come from my heart and mind and that's the way I like them and intend to continue producing them.
Tuesday 12 September 2017
Two poems
These came to me as I was lying half-awake at 3am today.
I'm Safe
I lie, head covered
To protect me from the
The Bogey Man.
I fall asleep, wake
Oh no! An arm is out!
Look up, relax, it's daylight
Through the curtains,
I'm safe.
Die!
Go back to where you came from!
Die!
You're not like me
Snowflake, Commie, Queer,
Die!
The hatred flows, how to stop it?
Report to Facebook, Twitter?
They do nothing, the answer's
Simple if only you would see.
Stop, think before you press send
Be kind.
Tuesday 8 August 2017
Nearly a year
It's been close on a twelvemonth since I last fired up the old blog so I thought it was high time to write something. I've written a few poems which I've put out on Niume but I've made few comments on what's going on in the world because I've been fearful of saying something which would release tirades of abuse from anyone who happens upon my ramblings and disagrees with me.
The reason for my reluctance is that it seems in the last year or so the art of reasoned argument has taken a back seat to be replaced by ad hominem attacks by those who oppose a given point of view and I can't be arsed with all the aggravation.
Therefore this little piece is just to let anyone who is interested know that I'm still alive unlike my poor old cat Thomas who passed away, and to report that:
1. As some of you may know, I took early retirement from work in April '16,
2. My travelling days are over for now,
3. My poetic muse has apparently gone on an extended break,
4. The Tale is still sitting on the stocks waiting for my inspiration to be jogged and
5. I spend much time watching the grass grow in the back yard hoping that points 2-4 above will change in the not too distant future.
So until next time the urge to say hello comes round I'll say ttfn.
Peace and Love x
The reason for my reluctance is that it seems in the last year or so the art of reasoned argument has taken a back seat to be replaced by ad hominem attacks by those who oppose a given point of view and I can't be arsed with all the aggravation.
Therefore this little piece is just to let anyone who is interested know that I'm still alive unlike my poor old cat Thomas who passed away, and to report that:
1. As some of you may know, I took early retirement from work in April '16,
2. My travelling days are over for now,
3. My poetic muse has apparently gone on an extended break,
4. The Tale is still sitting on the stocks waiting for my inspiration to be jogged and
5. I spend much time watching the grass grow in the back yard hoping that points 2-4 above will change in the not too distant future.
So until next time the urge to say hello comes round I'll say ttfn.
Peace and Love x
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