Musing

I'll be glad when I can put my past behind me and embark on a new adventure free of the shackles of what went before. That is a wish I tell myself that I hope to be able to fulfill in the not too distant future. I've about as much chance of doing that as I have of flying to Mars. There are elements of my life which I should relinquish and forget about but I have grave doubts that I can succeed in putting behind me. It isn't that I want to hold on the the past, it's the fact that I'm too scared of the future to relinquish my hold on the memories that have kept me where I am just now.
I wish I had the balls to say fuck it, the past is dead, long live the future. The point is that even if I could do that the past will linger in the back of my mind, whispering about what might have been; if only. Ah, if only, an expression that has held me back all my life. I try to tell myself that if only's are just pipe dreams. I tell myself to forget what has gone and move on yet still I hang on to useless things and thoughts which stop me from breaking free and moving into a new phase.
It boils me to be like this. I want to move on. I need to move on. I hate how the past holds me back. I want to be free to live a new life.
I know what I need to do, I need to push the off switch on what has gone before and take a step into the unknown. Can I do that? Who knows? I suppose I'll just have to look at each new day that comes and deal with it on its own merits and stop over analysing every little thing.
I don't know what life will throw at me, I suppose I'll just have to get on with it.
Writing this hasn't really helped me to get any idea of where I'm going or what I'm going to do. It has just been another pointless exercise in navel gazing which has produced nothing.
Peace and Love. x ttfn