I'm starting this entry with a completely muddled mind. I have so much going through my head just now that I don't know where to start or what to do.
I have a load of tasks and little motivation to do them other than the fear of not doing them.
I want to be positive and proactive, leap into action and clear out the storage unit which has been festering for so long, clear out the lumber room in the house so I can turn it into a guest room should anyone ever want to come and stay, give the house a good clean and get the garden ready for winter.
Perhaps I need a plan of campaign and set some deadlines for these various tasks. Procrastination is my enemy and always has been. I don't do well on my own yet that has been my state on and off, mainly on, for most of my adult life.
My perception is that people look at me and see a loner who interacts with others in a distant fashion, someone who is detached with a sardonic, even sarcastic demeanour. This is my defence mechanism, I hide behind bad jokes, witty one liners and a general air of self-deprecation and coolness.
It seems whenever I raise this portcullis and become close to someone the situation ends in disappointment on both sides. I'm OK on a superficial basis but as soon as emotional attachment becomes involved I screw up and am left picking up the pieces. Sometimes many of those pieces are left strewn like a trail of disappointed breadcrumbs leading to a bruised ego and battered self-esteem which then leaves me to retreat behind my aforementioned defences.
What's the answer? I have no idea. I use this blog as an outlet for my thoughts and feelings and have been criticised for wearing my heart on my sleeve and giving too much information about my struggles with anxiety and depression. Some people may look down on me for this approach and that's fine if they feel better by doing so. I have no ego where that sort of thing is concerned.
Others have been supportive, usually fellow sufferers who know what it is like to wake up in the morning with that feeling of, actually I can't describe the feeling so I won't try. Suffice to say it is rotten.
Generally though when these low periods subside and the 'normal' periods come to the fore I am happy with my life; it's only when the troughs come that I yearn for a special person to come along and give me an arm to lean on.
I've just read through what I've written above and it seems to be a bit of a ramble. That though is what my head is like inside at the moment, a gentle swirl, I won't say maelstrom as that would be over egging the pudding, of angst and low grade gloom which I'm trying to fight off. A bit like having a cold which won't come out I can only describe the whole thing it as a general feeling of 'meh'.
So feel free to criticise my putting this in the public domain, mock me for being weak, empathise with me or ignore the whole thing, that's up to you. All I know is that writing about how I feel helps me go on so hey ho and ttfn.
Peace and Love x
You are right. Procrastination is your biggest obstacle, but you don't need me to tell you that.
ReplyDeleteI too have a tendency to procrastinate but I find that concentrating on the feeling of achievement that comes with having done something can shake me out of it. You know you will feel better and save money if you get rid of the costly storage. If you haven't needed anything that is in there for a year, then you don't need it at all. I suggest you go down there, spend an hour salvaging anything you think you might ever need then pay someone (house clearance people) to take the rest away. Job done.
More important perhaps is another message that is coming through in these random thought of yours which is your low expectation of what other people think of you. Perhaps other people think more highly of you than you think they do. I certainly don't think you are weak for putting this in the public domain, not do I think you should be criticised for doing so. I don't think anyone else would either.
Maybe you should try to analyse which thoughts or events precipitate the troughs and which the "normal" periods so that you can try to concentrate on the latter. But that is merely an uninformed suggestion from one who makes no claim to be a psychologist. I hope that doesn't sound trite. It is not meant to, but from personal experience I find that I am happier when I am trying to think positively about the present and the future and more unhappy when I think about the fact that in the past I wasted about a quarter of my life so far on a miserable unappreciative little witch with a face like a slapped arse.
Have you not got the van back yet? If not now is a good time to go down and do as suggested with the storage because you can only bring away what will fit in the car.
See, I can ramble on incoherently too.
I have the van back, it cost loads but everything that needed doing is done. I plan to go down to Fergy's either this or next Sunday and have a rootle about and if nothing else get rid of enough so what's left will fit into a smaller storage thingy. And that's no way to talk about Granny. Oh not Granny, a younger witch with a slappeder arsed face.
ReplyDeleteA smaller storage unit is just another form of procrastination!! There is nothing in there you need. DUMP IT!!
ReplyDeleteWitchier and uglier as well as slappeder.