Madame was back over the weekend. I didn't see much of her, she stayed at an hotel because she said she wasn't sure if the house would be livable with me packing up and so on. Anyway, I saw her for a couple of hours here and there and we discussed a few logistics in relation to what is going on with us and all the stuff that is being stored.
My problem is, I dropped her off at the hotel last night and she said she was flying back to the US early this morning and it feels like I've lost her all over again. I am struggling to cope with the thought that this time she has gone for good apart from maybe a trip back at Easter to sort out some more stored stuff. I really hoped that we could make a shot at working out our problems and having another go at the relationship. We have agreed to see how things go but I still worry.
Now I know you are going to say, you're divorced, she doesn't want to try again, that's why she divorced you so get over it and get on with your life. The sensible side of me agrees with that.
My problem is that the romantic soppy side of me is in the ascendancy and has been for a while. That part of me is saying that you agreed to separate and once the new house was bought she would consider coming back on regular visits and you would travel to see her and the relationship would be gradually rebuilt. Again that is still what we have agreed but my pessimistic side, I have more sides than something with a load of sides but that is another story, is telling me that she is just saying that to keep me sweet while we wait for the money from the house and once that is divided up she'll wash her hands of me entirely.
The more optimistic side, see what I mean about sides, says that she has agreed on loads of occasions that she needs a bit of time to get set mentally and work-wise then she'll be able to relax a bit and look at life more positively and if we can keep calm and carry on and see where fate takes us we'll be fine.
I am torn, my mind is in turmoil and I'm operating on auto pilot. My outward persona is the usual cynical, wise-cracking front that I display to the world. Inside is a whole other kettle of fish, I feel like a lost little boy on the verge of tears all the time. There is a huge lump of sadness sitting in the pit of my stomach.
I feel like the slightest thing will send me over the edge into a full out depression. I certainly don't want that to happen, it is not a fun place to be.
The sooner the money comes through, the move is made and the pressure of packing is done with the better and I can at least move forward with a full out assault on finding a new place. I'm wary of looking too hard in case I find somewhere I really like and lose it because the cash hasn't come through. Still it's all in the hands of the solicitors I've signed what needs to be signed and answered all their questions so I'll just have to wait.
Once I've identified a couple of possibles I should feel a bit better and my mind will be occupied with getting to know the new place and the new people that will bring.
All I really want just now though is my (Ex) wife back on board and that, sadly is out of my control as well.
I can live in hope of things turning out as I wish but that doesn't stop my soppy, depressive and pessimistic sides from being in control just now.
Sorry for the miserable tenor of this post but it has been cathartic to ramble and if anyone has any ideas about how to squash the down sides and bolster the up please feel free to let me know.
It's now 6.45 pm and I have to say I'm feeling a little better than I did earlier. I still wish Madame would come back on board and that the house sale was sorted but both of these things are out of my control and as I said on an earlier blog Carpe diem quam minimum credula postero.
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