Life and love.

I'm sitting here in my rented flat with a kitty by my side reflecting on a few things. I just listened to my team being beaten yet again. They are in grave danger of relegation if they don't sort themselves out soon.
Anyway, that's just an aside, not what I want to talk about today. I've been thinking about life and love the last couple of evenings and have come to the conclusion that I'm likely to be destined to remain on my own. I can't look for a  new soul mate or life partner I'm resigned to having to plough my furrow alone.  The reason is that I'm still in love my my ex-wife, stupid really, we've been divorced now for 3 years and she has been remarried for getting on 2 but that doesn't alter the fact that my love has not receded into the background as I thought it would and indeed thought it should. The fact is I can't seem to let go of the feeling that somehow it wasn't suppose to happen like this, we were meant to be and our life together was supposed to carry on into old age.
I'm not sad or unhappy, I'm just confused about what to do and where to go, I know we aren't ever going to be a couple again, she's back in America, remarried and as far as I know, happy with her new life and husband. All I do know is that I will regret the failure of our marriage until my last day on earth. Stupid I know but this is why I will be unlikely to find another partner, it would take someone very strong and special to break down this wall, no not a wall, more like a fine strong veil of regret that hangs over me and stops me from moving a bit like a fly in a spider web.
Still, I will have to make the best of the life I have now and try to overcome this feeling of a lost opportunity. Perhaps it's because we are coming up to the third anniversary of the divorce that my mind has turned this way, who know? I know that I should mark it all down to experience and move on, my common sense tells me that but still I hang on, in fact I don't hang on, most of the time it feels like my feelings are just there with no reason for them being there, they just are.
I'm rambling a bit now, this is more of a stream of consciousness, I'm not thinking about the words, they are just flowing through my fingers onto the page, a bit like my poetry. When I think about what I'm writing my mind seizes up and no words come. It's all very odd, I live in a twighlight world where nothing seems real except that lost feeling clinging to me like a cloud. Not a dark cloud more like the mist you get at the coast which obscures reality and stops you from seeing clearly; a mist that you know you can get clear of by moving a couple of miles inland. Trouble is I don't have the desire or the inclination to make that move, it seems I'm content to blunder along in the half light and wait. Wait for what I don't know and probably never will.
So on that note I think I'll go and shave my moustache off and let the fresh air hit my top lip for the first time in eons. Probably a bit cold to be doing that but I feel like a change so bye-bye 'tache.
I'm off to do that right now so until my next ramble or poem Peace and Love. ttfn x