A new day

08:40. I'm working at home today, so obviously I am on the computer writing in my blog. It's interesting that after so long being on Twitter and restricted to 140 characters I find myself thinking in the shorthand that I would use on there as I write on here. Note to self, you can ramble on as much as you like on here, that's what the title of the blog is all about.
Anyway, today will be a stream of consciousness day, I'll be nipping in and out, adding bits as they come to mind. This will probably make it all somewhat disjointed. If so, you will see what my mind is like every day.
I'm off to drink my coffee before it gets any colder and to have a look at Twitter and Facebook before delving into work. Back later.
09:15. A thought just struck me whilst I was 'ahem' working. I must avoid using these blog entries as a vehicle for self justification as to how I ended up in my current predicament. I got myself into this by retreating into online gambling instead of fronting up to the problems staring me in the face. As much as I would like to blame others and as much as their current actions pain me, I have to accept that had I dealt with the issues early enough all this could have been avoided. A lesson learnt? I hope so.
10:45. Still not struck a bat but I'll get myself motivated after lunch and work later this evening. I was thinking a second ago that I wish I'd never set eyes on a certain person, then thought, no. I would have missed out on some good times even though they are being overshadowed presently by the bad. I will always be grateful to have had the time I did. I want things to be better and to stop feeling low. Having said that I think I will have to go through this valley a little longer before the open plains of happiness spread out before me. I'm trying to think of it as a learning experience. Next time or from now on if things turn out as I would hope I will have taken a valuable lesson away. That is, don't retreat into yourself, get help.
11:05. Of course it's good to remember that alcohol and gambling don't mix. Alcohol reduces inhibitions and the ability to make sensible decisions thereby allowing you to gamble with money you don't really have. If I was asked to give advice to anyone it would be don't gamble and if you must, don't drink whilst you are doing it. I'm living proof of where it gets you and where I am is not a happy place.
11:25. About to have brunch but while it's cooking I thought I would share this nugget. I contemplated killing myself on a number of occasions. Do you know what stopped me? It was the thought that some poor soul would have to clear up the mess afterwards.
12:00. I promise I'll get started soon. I really should stop dwelling on what might have been and hoping for a change of heart but it's difficult to look forward when all you can see is obstacles. Maybe I should look at them as opportunities and plan for a happier future. The thing is though I've never really been much of a planner in the great scheme of things. I spend too much time worrying and not enough time doing. Sorry, this is turning into a bit of a whinge-fest; maybe I'll give it a rest for an hour or so then come back to it. I'll not change anything I've written because this is a note of my thoughts today but I must try and be more positive.
12:25. Having said I would be more positive, I'm really cheesed that through my own mistakes I'm losing a place I've been associated with for over 50 years. It'll be a sad day when I have to leave. I need a miracle to happen to allow me to stay.
13:00. £4k for a divorce solicitor with £500 up front! Wish I'd paid more attention at school and become a lawyer. Plus fees for selling the house and moving costs. Expensive time. Don't gamble as an avenue of escape is my advice. Along with sort your problems out early.
13:10. Oh, and try to avoid divorce at all costs. Compromise is a wonderful thing.
14:00. I can't keep my eyes open trying to read this review document. Time for a short snooze then maybe I'll feel a bit more up to getting on with it.
15:50. Well the snooze was a fitful 30 minutes and didn't help my motivation at all. Nor did emptying the dishwasher. I think I might have to put today down as holiday and try again tomorrow. If I get an early night, set the alarm for my normal time and do all the usual stuff as if I was going into the office I might actually get the work done. It's not as if it's difficult, I just can't be bothered to do it. This is a symptom of my generally low mood and lack of motivation. I need something good to happen to raise my mood and motivate me. Offers on a postcard please.
16:05. What I need is to pay my debts off and save my marriage. I am gradually doing the former and have no control over the latter. I need to be able to move forward and not have to worry all the time. Sorry slipped into maudlin mode again. Back later.
17:00. I think I've written enough for today. I hope I feel better tomorrow and can be a little more positive.