Having tried to help myself through books, online reading and mindfulness I've finally accepted that I'd try drugs to get out from under the cloud of depression and anxiety which has bedevilled my life so far. This course I've started on seems to have kicked in, and has given me a more positive attitude.
So, with that in mind and as I'll be 60 in October 2018 I've been cogitating upon where I am in life and where I want to be.
For reasons which are many and varied, since childhood I've never been truly happy or comfortable within myself. Sometimes consciously, other times unconsciously I've been searching for something, I'm not even sure what that something is, or was. I've just been searching, constantly, for whatever it is that I've perceived to be missing.
I've also spent much of my life in self-defeating, self-destructive behaviour from, more recent online gambling through which I got into debt, lost all my money, a marriage and a house to, in earlier years, affairs with married women and excessive drinking which cost me my self-respect and a decent career.
Still, we are where we are and as the big 6-oh appears on the horizon it's time to gather up the loose ends and look forward.
From this New Year for the rest of the time I have left on Earth I'll concentrate on being as good a person as I can, to get out of my self-imposed purdah, save some money, do some writing, read more books and generally stop hiding away from the world.
Whether or not these drugs will remain part of my life and for how long I'll take them depends upon discussions with the doctor and how my mood is affected in the longer term. What I do know is that I'm feeling more positive and long may that continue.
There we have it then. I've left the maze that was my previous life and stand at the threshold of open country before me. Wish me luck.
Peace and Love. x
Wishing you luck. Sounds positive.
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