I've been in Edinburgh since Monday, I do like Edinburgh but I'm home now. Madame has been here but has gone again as she has a meeting somewhere down Yorkshire way. I hope to see her before she goes back to the USA but I don't know what she is doing since now the divorce has gone through she is free to do as she pleases although we had agreed not to go ahead and hope for the best. I really think I was deluding myself thinking we might get back together. I think she has decided its over and goodnight Vienna, tough bunnies baldy.
Anyway, it's good to be home, hotels are fine but even this place which I'm leaving soon is better than that. I am feeling a little sad at the moment, because the divorce feelings are kicking in now.
I'll try to be a bit more positive next time, I just needed to get it out of my system.
Feeling a bit sad, TTFN.
Thursday, 29 November 2012
Sunday, 25 November 2012
Raining again
Are we having the wettest period since Noah set up his Ark? It's been raining since before I can remember, everywhere is sodden and there doesn't appear to any let up.
Or does it just seem like that? I'm sure there have been dry periods, in fact thinking about it I was off work two weeks ago and it was dry the whole week along with the fact most of the weekends The Brother has been around to help with the packing have been dry as well.
Perhaps its just my perception that it has been raining non-stop for months, because in reality there have been loads of dry days as evidenced by the fact that The Brother and I have been able to work outside and view houses whilst staying dry.
Perception is a strange thing, what one person sees as a slight another sees just as an innocent motiveless action. Here's an example. Since Madame and I announced that we were divorced my ex Sister-in Law has changed her profile picture on Facebook to show her and her husband in a loving pose. Now is that a dig at Madame? Is she saying, look I'm still happily married and you're not? Or is it her reaffirming to herself and the rest of Facebook that she is OK and there's nothing to worry about with her relationship? To put people's minds at rest so to speak. I don't know, my first reaction when I saw it was that it was a dig at Madame, then I thought it was a dig at me, but I'm not high on her list of priorities and never have been so that is a non-starter, it was more likely the former. I doubt that is the case, but as you can see just in those few lines I've managed to make what could be an innocuous change of a Facebook profile picture into a major incident or not depending on how you approach it. Isn't life complicated?
Again, on the perception front, despite all my optimism about how despite the fact that we are now divorced, Madame and I will remain friends and maybe get back together sometime I still have a doubt in my mind that despite all the fine words (which butter no parsnips by the way) when she comes over next week she will come with the message that it is completely done with and she is seeing someone else or isn't and will be living the single life and is happier alone. Maybe she has just been saying that we can remain friends and see what transpires for my benefit, just to keep me quiet or she is entirely genuine and that is what she intends to do. Who knows?
It is best just to go with the flow and try not to over analyse the whole thing. If our situation was put to ten people you would get ten differing opinions depending upon the perception each person has of the people involved, Madame and me, and of the situation itself.
You can read much into small things or just let them pass and get on with it depending upon how you perceive the intentions behind them. You can't second guess motives any more than you can read someone's mind so perhaps it is best to look on the positive side and try to not read ulterior motives into the things people do and live for the day and try not to second guess what the future might bring.
As Horace puts it:
"Carpe diem quam minimum credula postero"
(Which according to Wikipedia translates as – Seize the Day, putting as little trust as possible in the future.)
and as I would like to say:
Ne coneris praedicere alii motivis - Don't try to predict others motives.
That's enough Latin for now.
Per Ardua Ad Astra (oops, more Latin, wish I'd learned it at school)
TTFN.
Or does it just seem like that? I'm sure there have been dry periods, in fact thinking about it I was off work two weeks ago and it was dry the whole week along with the fact most of the weekends The Brother has been around to help with the packing have been dry as well.
Perhaps its just my perception that it has been raining non-stop for months, because in reality there have been loads of dry days as evidenced by the fact that The Brother and I have been able to work outside and view houses whilst staying dry.
Perception is a strange thing, what one person sees as a slight another sees just as an innocent motiveless action. Here's an example. Since Madame and I announced that we were divorced my ex Sister-in Law has changed her profile picture on Facebook to show her and her husband in a loving pose. Now is that a dig at Madame? Is she saying, look I'm still happily married and you're not? Or is it her reaffirming to herself and the rest of Facebook that she is OK and there's nothing to worry about with her relationship? To put people's minds at rest so to speak. I don't know, my first reaction when I saw it was that it was a dig at Madame, then I thought it was a dig at me, but I'm not high on her list of priorities and never have been so that is a non-starter, it was more likely the former. I doubt that is the case, but as you can see just in those few lines I've managed to make what could be an innocuous change of a Facebook profile picture into a major incident or not depending on how you approach it. Isn't life complicated?
Again, on the perception front, despite all my optimism about how despite the fact that we are now divorced, Madame and I will remain friends and maybe get back together sometime I still have a doubt in my mind that despite all the fine words (which butter no parsnips by the way) when she comes over next week she will come with the message that it is completely done with and she is seeing someone else or isn't and will be living the single life and is happier alone. Maybe she has just been saying that we can remain friends and see what transpires for my benefit, just to keep me quiet or she is entirely genuine and that is what she intends to do. Who knows?
It is best just to go with the flow and try not to over analyse the whole thing. If our situation was put to ten people you would get ten differing opinions depending upon the perception each person has of the people involved, Madame and me, and of the situation itself.
You can read much into small things or just let them pass and get on with it depending upon how you perceive the intentions behind them. You can't second guess motives any more than you can read someone's mind so perhaps it is best to look on the positive side and try to not read ulterior motives into the things people do and live for the day and try not to second guess what the future might bring.
As Horace puts it:
"Carpe diem quam minimum credula postero"
(Which according to Wikipedia translates as – Seize the Day, putting as little trust as possible in the future.)
and as I would like to say:
Ne coneris praedicere alii motivis - Don't try to predict others motives.
That's enough Latin for now.
Per Ardua Ad Astra (oops, more Latin, wish I'd learned it at school)
TTFN.
Saturday, 24 November 2012
Optimistic.
I am optimistic about moving forward from where I am now. I was in a very dark place for a long time and I now know that it was caused by me hanging on to a life I wasn't happy with but couldn't see any other way of living. This stems from long before I was married, I was trying to live a life I imagined I should be living rather than the one I wanted to live. Getting married again was a chance to break out of that cycle which I didn't take. I have another chance now to move on with the house sold and new opportunities beckoning. I hope that madame will be part of it as well, but I can't influence that.
In future I need to look at life in a freer way, don't hold on to that which makes me sad and unhappy, embrace change and make my life a brighter existence by being sensible about what I can and can't do.
As I said, I hope that madame will remain part of my life but in a positive way based on a new attitude towards one another.
I really need to take a hard look at my attitude towards things, accentuate the positive and eliminate the negative. I think that is what we have done with our current situation.
A new place to live will make a huge difference as well, there will be lots of new things to see and do and new people to meet. I am tired of living in the past, it is time to look to the future one day at a time.
With a new approach I hope that madame will see what she saw in me in the first place and be able to get past the more recent past. If not, well I hope we can remain in contact and on good terms so we can move forward and I will have to deal with it.
In future I need to look at life in a freer way, don't hold on to that which makes me sad and unhappy, embrace change and make my life a brighter existence by being sensible about what I can and can't do.
As I said, I hope that madame will remain part of my life but in a positive way based on a new attitude towards one another.
I really need to take a hard look at my attitude towards things, accentuate the positive and eliminate the negative. I think that is what we have done with our current situation.
A new place to live will make a huge difference as well, there will be lots of new things to see and do and new people to meet. I am tired of living in the past, it is time to look to the future one day at a time.
With a new approach I hope that madame will see what she saw in me in the first place and be able to get past the more recent past. If not, well I hope we can remain in contact and on good terms so we can move forward and I will have to deal with it.
A new beginning
My divorce came through this week. My second. To paraphrase Oscar Wilde, to lose one marriage is unfortunate but to lose two smacks of carelessness and that is pretty much how I feel about the whole thing just now.
In retrospect my first marriage was a mistake, I was young and away from home for the first time. I grasped on to the first person who showed any affection in a strange town and it ended up as a bit of a disaster for all involved. Both our lives are better for having split up all those years ago. Not that it felt like that at the time.
This second attempt was a little more successful. However it has still ended in divorce. The point this time is that we remain in communication with each other and I think we will remain friends, I feel that we were both a bit defensive and stubborn lately and that feeling has been released, at least for me and I hope for her as well.
We can now let time and fate take us where we are meant to go rather than struggle on and try to influence that which we have no control over. Interestingly we had agreed to not finalise the divorce but it seems that it went through anyway but we are where we are and not much we can do about it.
I have to say that I feel quite sanguine about the whole situation, the deed has now been done so that is one less thing to worry about and if we do end up deciding we've made a mistake well there is nothing stopping us from starting again. We don't even need to remarry we could just keep calm and carry on to coin a phrase.
If, however we go our separate ways completely and either end up with other people or stay single I think that we will still have a connection and be able to remain friendly with one another, there is no law that says you have to be enemies with an ex. In fact I think our relationship may be better semi-detached as we can get together when we want and be apart when we feel the need. I think that there was an element of feeling trapped for both of us which caused a lot of tension and led to the behaviour which finally broke the marriage up. That tension has now been removed and with the obstacle gone we can relax a little and get along much better. Fingers crossed.
No one can predict the future, as my dear old mam used to say, what has to be will be. I think we can look to the future with optimism, live for today and let tomorrow look after itself. Life is too short to get strung up on what might have been. We have to accept the hand we have been dealt and live in hope.
It is the hope that we can both be happier in our new situation that makes me more optimistic for the future. I have generally been one who is scared to hope for the best because the worst might happen. That way of thinking is often self fulfilling, it is like you are glad that the worst happened so that you can say see, I told you so and remain in the dark place, never allowing yourself to be happy. All things change, that seems to be the way life is. By learning to embrace change as a positive thing and move forward instead of clinging on to the familiar when it is the familiar that is keeping you in the dark place one can open the blinds and let the light of optimism and hope in to dispel the darkness.
I don't know what the future holds, no-one can. What one can do is take the future by the hand and make it your friend. In fact I suppose there is no such thing as the future. As the old saying goes, tomorrow never comes. It is today when it arrives.
Live for today as you never know how many more todays you have left.
I'm not suggesting that there shouldn't be contingency plans in place. I fully intend to try and put a little aside for a rainy day out of the house proceeds. What I am saying is that I'm going to stop over-thinking everything and trying to imagine every possible thing that could go wrong, that way leads to depression and don't I know it.
I propose to deal with life as it flows by, plan for the things I know I need to do such as work trips and buying a new place and deal with the unexpected when it occurs, that's why it's called the unexpected.
I spent too much time trying to second guess life and forgot how to live it. That cost me my second marriage. I hope to be able to kindle a new relationship with madame based on my refreshed ethos; if not, well I'll see where fate takes us.
I'll stop now before I ramble further.
With love and affection to all. Per Ardua Ad Astra my friends.
In retrospect my first marriage was a mistake, I was young and away from home for the first time. I grasped on to the first person who showed any affection in a strange town and it ended up as a bit of a disaster for all involved. Both our lives are better for having split up all those years ago. Not that it felt like that at the time.
This second attempt was a little more successful. However it has still ended in divorce. The point this time is that we remain in communication with each other and I think we will remain friends, I feel that we were both a bit defensive and stubborn lately and that feeling has been released, at least for me and I hope for her as well.
We can now let time and fate take us where we are meant to go rather than struggle on and try to influence that which we have no control over. Interestingly we had agreed to not finalise the divorce but it seems that it went through anyway but we are where we are and not much we can do about it.
I have to say that I feel quite sanguine about the whole situation, the deed has now been done so that is one less thing to worry about and if we do end up deciding we've made a mistake well there is nothing stopping us from starting again. We don't even need to remarry we could just keep calm and carry on to coin a phrase.
If, however we go our separate ways completely and either end up with other people or stay single I think that we will still have a connection and be able to remain friendly with one another, there is no law that says you have to be enemies with an ex. In fact I think our relationship may be better semi-detached as we can get together when we want and be apart when we feel the need. I think that there was an element of feeling trapped for both of us which caused a lot of tension and led to the behaviour which finally broke the marriage up. That tension has now been removed and with the obstacle gone we can relax a little and get along much better. Fingers crossed.
No one can predict the future, as my dear old mam used to say, what has to be will be. I think we can look to the future with optimism, live for today and let tomorrow look after itself. Life is too short to get strung up on what might have been. We have to accept the hand we have been dealt and live in hope.
It is the hope that we can both be happier in our new situation that makes me more optimistic for the future. I have generally been one who is scared to hope for the best because the worst might happen. That way of thinking is often self fulfilling, it is like you are glad that the worst happened so that you can say see, I told you so and remain in the dark place, never allowing yourself to be happy. All things change, that seems to be the way life is. By learning to embrace change as a positive thing and move forward instead of clinging on to the familiar when it is the familiar that is keeping you in the dark place one can open the blinds and let the light of optimism and hope in to dispel the darkness.
I don't know what the future holds, no-one can. What one can do is take the future by the hand and make it your friend. In fact I suppose there is no such thing as the future. As the old saying goes, tomorrow never comes. It is today when it arrives.
Live for today as you never know how many more todays you have left.
I'm not suggesting that there shouldn't be contingency plans in place. I fully intend to try and put a little aside for a rainy day out of the house proceeds. What I am saying is that I'm going to stop over-thinking everything and trying to imagine every possible thing that could go wrong, that way leads to depression and don't I know it.
I propose to deal with life as it flows by, plan for the things I know I need to do such as work trips and buying a new place and deal with the unexpected when it occurs, that's why it's called the unexpected.
I spent too much time trying to second guess life and forgot how to live it. That cost me my second marriage. I hope to be able to kindle a new relationship with madame based on my refreshed ethos; if not, well I'll see where fate takes us.
I'll stop now before I ramble further.
With love and affection to all. Per Ardua Ad Astra my friends.
Tuesday, 20 November 2012
The Story
The Story hasn't moved on at all. I can't get a good run at setting it rolling again. I have started on a new piece, it is The Tale of Francisco, aka The Tale. This means I now have The Story, The Tale and The Story of the Mary M all on the stocks at once. Not to mention a couple of nascent poems, I think I may have to prioritise a tad.
My inclination is to put Mary M to one side, write The Tale longhand on the pad I've started it on when the urge takes me but put a bit more effort into The Story once I've moved into The Brother's.
I need to get poor Bob married and on his way to wherever he's going PDQ before I lose the plot, what there is of it. I think I've said this before but The Story has a life of it's own.
The Tale is something I just started today on a spare pad I had lying around because I was a bit bored and wasn't near my laptop to do some more of The Story. The Tale so far has a Spanish Civil War Republican veteran turned monk, living in France approached by an old friend and comrade to help him with the torture and assassination of a Nationalist officer. That's as far as I've got so far. I'll develop it as and when the urge comes upon me and I have a pad around. I've kept the first three pages in the pouch at the back of my Moleskine notebook so I can get up to speed when I do want to write some more.
I mustn't start any more writing though until at least one of these guys sees the light of day. I don't want to spread my genius to thinly (modest cough).
Anyway, it's time to put the rubbish bin out and then decide on dinner. TTFN.
My inclination is to put Mary M to one side, write The Tale longhand on the pad I've started it on when the urge takes me but put a bit more effort into The Story once I've moved into The Brother's.
I need to get poor Bob married and on his way to wherever he's going PDQ before I lose the plot, what there is of it. I think I've said this before but The Story has a life of it's own.
The Tale is something I just started today on a spare pad I had lying around because I was a bit bored and wasn't near my laptop to do some more of The Story. The Tale so far has a Spanish Civil War Republican veteran turned monk, living in France approached by an old friend and comrade to help him with the torture and assassination of a Nationalist officer. That's as far as I've got so far. I'll develop it as and when the urge comes upon me and I have a pad around. I've kept the first three pages in the pouch at the back of my Moleskine notebook so I can get up to speed when I do want to write some more.
I mustn't start any more writing though until at least one of these guys sees the light of day. I don't want to spread my genius to thinly (modest cough).
Anyway, it's time to put the rubbish bin out and then decide on dinner. TTFN.
Monday, 19 November 2012
First day back
Well that's my first day back at work after the week off and it was ok, not millions of e-mails to deal with and just a couple of minor jobs to finish off so all-in-all a reasonable re-introduction to wage slavery. I hope the rest of the week is as good.
Nothing much else to report really, having a couple of evenings off the packing up and then I'll do a little bit more. I'm waiting to see how much more the movers will charge to do the packing up and if it isn't huge amounts I'll get them to do what's left apart from what I'm taking with me to The Brother's.
Tonight I will be mainly eating the remainder of the salmon and potato curry with ice cream to follow washed down with Stella Artois. I will also be attempting to chill and see if I can practice a bit of relaxing. It has been a while since I've felt able to sit back and take a moment for myself so tonight is it I think.
I'll be off now, wish me luck with the relaxing. TTFN.
Nothing much else to report really, having a couple of evenings off the packing up and then I'll do a little bit more. I'm waiting to see how much more the movers will charge to do the packing up and if it isn't huge amounts I'll get them to do what's left apart from what I'm taking with me to The Brother's.
Tonight I will be mainly eating the remainder of the salmon and potato curry with ice cream to follow washed down with Stella Artois. I will also be attempting to chill and see if I can practice a bit of relaxing. It has been a while since I've felt able to sit back and take a moment for myself so tonight is it I think.
I'll be off now, wish me luck with the relaxing. TTFN.
Saturday, 17 November 2012
Well.
That was a productive week off. Much junk chucked away, loads of stuff boxed up, a quote received from a mover who will store my goods and give me access so I don't have to have two lots of storage costs and a decision made to order a skip for the final throwing away session in a couple of weeks time.
I've also decided that I don't need to rush into buying a new place and may wait until the Christmas holidays are over and I'm back from my work trips in January before I go headlong into concentrated house-hunter mode from February onwards.
I'll keep getting details of properties from the agent in the hope that The House will jump out at me. I am not going to rush the process though so that when I do buy I will be buying what I want and will be comfortable in not somewhere that is not quite right.
For the rest of the weekend I'm going to relax and maybe write a bit more of The Story which I have neglected terribly recently. Early next week I'll sort out the two fridge freezers so that they can be disposed of via the Council when moving day comes and start gradually packing up books and other stuff until all that is left will be those things which I need daily.
It all seems less daunting than it did a month ago. I want to thank The Brother for his help to get me to this point.
Let us hope and pray that once I've moved and the mortgage and so on have been cleared I can relax a bit. With that my mood should improve, my stress levels drop so I can enjoy Christmas and look forward to the New Year with hope and optimism.
Per Ardua Ad Astra.
I've also decided that I don't need to rush into buying a new place and may wait until the Christmas holidays are over and I'm back from my work trips in January before I go headlong into concentrated house-hunter mode from February onwards.
I'll keep getting details of properties from the agent in the hope that The House will jump out at me. I am not going to rush the process though so that when I do buy I will be buying what I want and will be comfortable in not somewhere that is not quite right.
For the rest of the weekend I'm going to relax and maybe write a bit more of The Story which I have neglected terribly recently. Early next week I'll sort out the two fridge freezers so that they can be disposed of via the Council when moving day comes and start gradually packing up books and other stuff until all that is left will be those things which I need daily.
It all seems less daunting than it did a month ago. I want to thank The Brother for his help to get me to this point.
Let us hope and pray that once I've moved and the mortgage and so on have been cleared I can relax a bit. With that my mood should improve, my stress levels drop so I can enjoy Christmas and look forward to the New Year with hope and optimism.
Per Ardua Ad Astra.
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