The power of words.

I am in the process of reading "How to Stop Worrying and Start Living" by Dale Carnegie, the man who wrote "How to Win Friends and Influence People". This book is a work of genius; it has changed my whole outlook on life in the space of less than ten days.
A week past Monday I was sitting under a cloud of gloom caused by Madame's marriage and the death of an old pal. Now, sad as I am at both events I have realised that there was nothing I could say or do to influence either one. I will remember the happy times with both and try to maintain a supportive contact with my pal's wife but I have realised that wishing for the past to change and the inevitable not occur is a waste of time, effort and emotion.
Most of my past problems have revolved around wishing things had been different or worrying about things that may or may not happen. I accept those things I can't change, will try to change those things which I can and learn from past mistakes, forget them and move on.
I intend to live in the day, what is past is gone and learned from, what is to come can be planned for if I know it is coming and any shocks and surprises I will deal with in the best way that I can by working out what I can influence and leaving anything that I can't influence up to fate.
As Fred Fuller Shedd said, "You can't saw sawdust".
I may still have down days but at least my new philosophy will mean that I am not dwelling on the past, or fretting about the future.
Peace and Love, ttfn. x

If at first.

If at first

If at first you don’t succeed they say

then you must find another way

so gird your loins

and lets away

to live to fight another day.

The grass is greener

The Grass is greener

The grass is greener on the other side

So the saying goes

Is the grass so green beyond?

No one really knows

Since when they are on that other ground

The grass is greener on the other side.

In the pub

In the pub

Sitting in the pub

Pint of beer in hand

People all around

Such a happy band

Alone in the corner

A strange man to most

Separate from the others

Who make a cheerful host

No-one comes to join me

Still I’m all alone

Sitting in the pub

Pint of beer in hand.

I really wish - a poem.

This is not the best poem in the world but it helps me to get by to write some lines even though they might seem trite and poor to some.

I really wish

I really wish she had not gone

and left the home we made.

I really thought that we were strong

and our love would never fade.

I really wish that she’d come back

from her new home far away.

I know that it will not occur

she’s lost her love for me.

I really wish I did not care

and that my heart was harder.

If that was so I could move on

and my future may look brighter.

Triggered.

The empty feeling that entered the pit of my stomach on Monday morning when I discovered that Madame had married again and the faint hopes I had of a reconciliation had drifted further away remains seated where it landed.
I hate this feeling, it is the sign that I have been triggered again and a low mood is upon me, sorry that sounded a bit pretentious. What I'm trying to say is that finding out that Madame is now married to someone other than me has triggered my depression.
I suppose we all have our triggers be it for depression, anger or happiness, I know that I have lived on the edge of falling into a low mood since the original trigger in 2012 when I received the first notification that Madame wanted a divorce. I fought and argued and tried to change her mind but she was adamant that our marriage was over and she was going back to the US. That pushed me into a black hole which I have slowly been climbing out of, I have had good days and bad days in the intervening period but in the main my progress has been upward. Until Monday morning.
The discovery that she had married again came on top of the news that an old friend had died suddenly and unexpectedly so I was upset over that and the thought of his poor wife having to cope with such a sudden loss when this second, albeit minor in comparison to my friend's wife's, bombshell landed with a thud via Facebook. At first I seemed to be coping quite well with the news but as the day dragged on my mood dipped as the realisation hit that probably Madame would never be back and that I would never see her again.
On a slightly different note, is it selfish of me to be upset that no-one who knows her and me and who know she has re-married has asked me how I feel about the whole thing. In fact very few people have said anything to me by way of consolation or commiseration since the whole farrago began. I know who has and I appreciate them for it.
I think perhaps I invested too much of my emotional well-being in the relationship and when it went wrong there was nothing left for me to fall back on. Still, writing all this has helped a bit and as Henry James said, this too shall pass.

Discombobulated.

I learned today that Madame has re-married. Now this wasn't unexpected as she's been engaged for a while and although I'd hoped she would change her mind and come home I was for the most part reconciled to the situation.
Strange then that now she has actually tied the knot I feel like I did back in the Summer of 2012 when the whole thing went tits up. I am completely discombobulated and have lost my equilibrium totally. I feel as if someone has taken my insides out bounced them up the road a few times and replaced them upside down.
I have no idea what to do other than regroup and start rebuilding my defences again so that the hurt subsides.
Who would have thought I could feel so down? Anyway, I've wished her luck and happiness because as I said in my message to her it would be churlish not to and am now girding my loins for the climb back up low mood hill to the summit where I hope I can rename it happiness mountain.
Wish me luck. Peace and Love. ttfn x