So...

...I'm not happy or sad just empty. I have things to do, places to go and people to see and nothing should be making me feel this way. I just feel in limbo, it is very strange.
Love and Peace x  ttfn

3 am 11/1/14

This is a 3 o'clock in the morning post. In 2003 I thought I'd finally found happiness and that everything was going to be fine. It isn't.

Up my game

Having read a fair bit of G.K Chesterton and P.G Wodehouse of late I have decided that I really must up my game on this writing and blogging lark. Those two aforementioned gentlemen were geniuses (genii?) at writing humorous, informative, entertaining and enlightening books and articles on many and varied subjects whilst keeping us entertained with the Father Brown and Jeeves & Wooster series of stories.
I fear that I will never be able to even think about thinking about reaching that level of literary brilliance nor achieve a readership anywhere close to that which they reached out to over the years. Far from being discouraged by this though, I will use them as beacons of hope that one day I might just hit the right note and write something that people will want to read and encourage others to do likewise. In order to do that of course I will have to actually finish a tale and put it out for others to see. With that in mind, starting tonight I am going to spend an hour each day writing The Story and other tales that come to mind so that I can finally produce a work which can be read by anyone who wants to. How to get it out there once it's finished is another matter but I'll cross that bridge when I come to it, my first priority is to get episode 1 of The Story finished. Wish me luck, bearing in mind that I'm a great procrastinator and this challenge involves not being that way.
I'll let you know how I'm getting along in due course. ttfn

A trip or maybe two.

I've booked my travel and accommodation for a couple of days in Edinburgh to meet up with some former colleagues and have a chin-wag. That should cheer me up.
I'm also thinking about a trip to Glasgow for the Celtic Connections Festival this month if I can work out who to go and see and co-ordinate things with my pal in sunny Kirkintilloch.
Since I doubt I'll be able to afford to go far this year some short trips to visit with pals is probably a good idea to keep me interested until I can save up enough to go back to the US. I was hoping to go to the East Coast sometime around Easter but I think it would be more sensible to wait and go West, either to San Francisco or back to Vegas next year instead.
I have made a policy decision not to sit around and wait for life to come to me. Rather I will get out into the world and stop being such a recluse. I need to get some weight off so that I feel a bit better about myself on that score but otherwise I must fight the urge to wallow for yet another year and no matter how low I feel and how much I yearn for things I can't get back I must knuckle down and remake a life for myself.
On the losing weight front, I have now gone two days without alcohol or snacking on unsuitable foods. If I can keep it up and not back slide whilst I'm on travel I will get down to a sensible size and feel all the better for it.
Anyway, enough rambling from me for now.
Peace and Love x ttfn

Day 1.

Today is day 1 of my cutting back on the intake of alcohol and rubbish food, wish me luck.
I hope to plan better meals and snack less whilst staying out of the club through the week. I have boxes of junk to sort and The Story to write so my evenings when I am not travelling can be fully occupied. In fact, even when I am travelling I can occupy myself with moving The Story forward instead of sitting in strange bars drinking beer.
I intend to lose, and keep lost enough lard to allow easy access to clothes which are currently languishing in my wardrobe as I'm unable to make the buttons and buttonholes coincide.
I'm sick of being obese and perpetually on the drink, I may feel a little lonely at first but if I keep myself busy all will be well and I'll feel much better both physically and mentally. As (if!) the weather improves and as the lighter nights approach I will start walking and once Summer appears I'll get back on the bike which will all assist in my girth reduction.
I'm now off to stir my spicy chicken casserole and have a cup of tea before finishing off the Sunday papers and maybe writing a few lines of The Story.
Peace and Love. ttfn

Obviously someone reads this tripe.

From the stats some people obviously do read what I write on here. I don't get much, if any feedback on what those who do read this think of what I say so maybe it is such tripe that I may as well not bother.
I am getting to the point that I think I may as well just give up. I'm not entertaining enough so if I want to get my thoughts out of my system I think I'll just write a journal for myself and give this up.
Maybe it's just a phase I'm going through just now but I don't see the point of writing if there is no interaction.
Stuff it, I'll keep writing for my own benefit.

2 days into...

...the new year and I don't feel any better than I did 365 days into the old one. Life is no different, the same issues cloud my mind all that has changed is a 4 at the end of the date instead of a 3.
I wish I could be a bit more optimistic, there really is no reason not to be, it is just a personality trait of mine that I am a gloom-monger. I don't want to be, I wish that I could be one of those sunny dispositioned people who jog along and always look on the bright side. I have always been one of those "light at the end of the tunnel is a train coming" types and I don't know how to change it. Maybe some toast will help.
Anyway, I was out both Old Years Night and New Years Day and at the end of each session I was still left disappointed and lonely. Everyone seemed to have someone to go home to and once again I came home to an empty house, well not quite as the kitties were here to greet me but for all intents and purposes an empty house as those two are not the best conversationalists I've ever met.
What to do? I ask myself. How do I move on from this mental trough I find myself in? I go from optimism at the end of the year to pessimism at the start and have done for as long as I can remember. I need to break this chain and would like something positive to help me do it. Trouble is I don't know what or when or how to change my attitude and move forward away from all the needs and desires that are holding me back so that I can be happy with what I have and stop yearning for that which I can't.
All of the above seems so familiar to me, I must have said or written these or similar words a hundred times and no answer will come.
Ah well, let fate take control again I suppose because I sure as hell can't help myself out of this current trough, I'll have to just hope for the best. ttfn