It's 5.30 pm and I'm sitting here on the settee with a kitty asleep by my side and the wind blowing a hoolie outside although at least the rain has stopped and the sun has come out.
I don't have anything special to say today, I just thought that as it's been a couple of weeks I'd better come and say hello.
Hello.
I've booked a trip to Las Vegas for early November because I haven't had a proper holiday in ages and it's about time I did. It will be strange going to America alone again after all those years of travelling with Madame but I hope by doing so I will finally lay a few ghosts and be able to move on.
My hankering for her return has subsided as time passes. It's a year now since she went and our contact is restricted to playing Words with Friends on Facebook and the occasional message relating to post that has arrived for her.
I consigned to history any hope of her returning home to me when she announced her engagement to the man she used to communicate on Facebook Cafe World with as our marriage went down the pan. She is now amongst that group of people with whom I am emotionally close but physically far apart from. I guess as time passes she will disappear from my life in the same way as many have, who knows? It is not under my control so I must go with what the fates decide.
Forcing issues has never got me anywhere other than to push away those people and things I most wanted to keep close or to have. I have a history of over-playing my hand at inopportune times and losing what I wanted so my watchword is now the saying my dear departed Mam used to use; 'what has to be will be'.
On that note I will be off, wishing you Love and Peace. ttfn x
Sunday, 15 September 2013
Monday, 2 September 2013
Here I am...
in yet another hotel room ready to work for a couple of days in Leeds so I thought a short ramble would be a good idea to keep me out of the pub.
This 'diet' and 'exercise' regime I have allegedly put myself on is not doing the job. It has a flaw in that I can't keep out of the bloody pub! It it much too conveniently situated, so I go along every evening because the company is good and it stops me from being lonely.
This has to stop before I burst, so from today, note from today, not tomorrow, I am going to restrict myself to no more than three nights a week in pubs. So for example, this week as I'm away I'll go tomorrow for dinner to a pub, then when I get home on Wednesday night I will not go out again until Saturday. This will halve my beer consumption at a stroke and along with the healthier eating which I have succeeded in undertaking should make the weight start to come down so that the gym and the cycling will become a little easier thereby also assisting in the loss of flab.
I hope this works because I'm heartily sick of being a blob.
Anyway, on a different note I was watching a programme on TV about people who had lost a loved one in the 9/11 attacks and it made me re-evaluate my whole attitude to what I have lost. My loss is paltry in comparison, and although it seems a huge thing to me I now realise that in the great scheme of things it is not such a big deal and I should get on with my life.
I'm sure at times I will feel down but that is part of what I am, I need to realise that the only person who can bring me out of these dips is me and by trying to be rational about what goes on in my life I can see obstacles for what they are; opportunities to move on in a slightly (or completely) different way and not blockages to rest my head against and wail that I can't get past them and give up.
I've had many experiences in life, both good and bad and I'm still here, so onwards and upwards. With that in mind and after months of havering and wavering I finally found it in me to book my first solo holiday in I don't know how long. I'm going to Las Vegas to do a spot of light gambling, watch a couple of shows and live a little. It's been too long living vicariously through others, my life is my own and I intend to live it, anyone who wishes to join in can do so but I refuse to allow myself to be brought down any longer.
“We cannot change the cards we are dealt, just how we play the hand.”
― Randy Pausch, The Last Lecture
Per Ardua Ad Astra my friends. Peace and Love x
This 'diet' and 'exercise' regime I have allegedly put myself on is not doing the job. It has a flaw in that I can't keep out of the bloody pub! It it much too conveniently situated, so I go along every evening because the company is good and it stops me from being lonely.
This has to stop before I burst, so from today, note from today, not tomorrow, I am going to restrict myself to no more than three nights a week in pubs. So for example, this week as I'm away I'll go tomorrow for dinner to a pub, then when I get home on Wednesday night I will not go out again until Saturday. This will halve my beer consumption at a stroke and along with the healthier eating which I have succeeded in undertaking should make the weight start to come down so that the gym and the cycling will become a little easier thereby also assisting in the loss of flab.
I hope this works because I'm heartily sick of being a blob.
Anyway, on a different note I was watching a programme on TV about people who had lost a loved one in the 9/11 attacks and it made me re-evaluate my whole attitude to what I have lost. My loss is paltry in comparison, and although it seems a huge thing to me I now realise that in the great scheme of things it is not such a big deal and I should get on with my life.
I'm sure at times I will feel down but that is part of what I am, I need to realise that the only person who can bring me out of these dips is me and by trying to be rational about what goes on in my life I can see obstacles for what they are; opportunities to move on in a slightly (or completely) different way and not blockages to rest my head against and wail that I can't get past them and give up.
I've had many experiences in life, both good and bad and I'm still here, so onwards and upwards. With that in mind and after months of havering and wavering I finally found it in me to book my first solo holiday in I don't know how long. I'm going to Las Vegas to do a spot of light gambling, watch a couple of shows and live a little. It's been too long living vicariously through others, my life is my own and I intend to live it, anyone who wishes to join in can do so but I refuse to allow myself to be brought down any longer.
“We cannot change the cards we are dealt, just how we play the hand.”
― Randy Pausch, The Last Lecture
Per Ardua Ad Astra my friends. Peace and Love x
Monday, 26 August 2013
Bank Holiday Monday.
This must be the best weather we have had on a Bank Holiday since I don't know when. I've cut the grass and done some washing and thought about what to do next so here I am.
The thing about being a singleton on holidays of any kind is that you can do exactly as you please without having to worry about what anyone else wants to do. That is why I'm sitting in my house with a glass of wine whilst the sun cracks the flags outside writing this when I could be out enjoying myself at any number of shows, festivals and activities being run this weekend throughout the county. The point is that attending anything like these things of which I speak on one's own is not much fun. You could say that I might bump into friends who are also out and about but the bet is that they will be with a partner and don't want a third wheel bouncing along behind, getting in the way.
You might also tell me that I may come across the next significant other in my life, to which I reply, dream on, no-one wants a fat fifty four year old baldy bloke cluttering up their life. Having said that of course there is an answer to that predicament or at least part of it. I can do nothing about my age, that is a given, I can't really do much about the baldy bit either since I have no intention of having a hair transplant or wearing an 'irish'; so what's left I hear you cry? Get rid of the flab is my reply.
How am I going to do that? Well as I really don't like going to the gym and regret the money I spent on membership I've changed my plan of campaign and rescued my push-bike from storage and am going to have it refurbished to start riding it again. I've identified a route which is not too arduous and doesn't have much traffic on it to start with and will ride this circuit a couple of times a week until the nights cut in too much.
I'm also going to start exercising in the house which is something I can do any time regardless of the weather and I won't have to go leaping around in public which I really detest.
The other strand is to cut down my drinking by only going out at weekends and not drinking in the house. My eating habits are pretty healthy, mainly fish and chicken, combined with rice or pasta and a lot of fruit so that isn't really an issue. I'll have to cut down on bread and ice cream but apart from that I think I have the food front sorted. Cut out the excess drink and the weight should drop off.
So that is my new master plan to lose weight, it may not get me a life-partner but at least I'll feel better in myself and be comfortable in my clothes, something I haven't felt in a while. Wish me luck, and ttfn.
The thing about being a singleton on holidays of any kind is that you can do exactly as you please without having to worry about what anyone else wants to do. That is why I'm sitting in my house with a glass of wine whilst the sun cracks the flags outside writing this when I could be out enjoying myself at any number of shows, festivals and activities being run this weekend throughout the county. The point is that attending anything like these things of which I speak on one's own is not much fun. You could say that I might bump into friends who are also out and about but the bet is that they will be with a partner and don't want a third wheel bouncing along behind, getting in the way.
You might also tell me that I may come across the next significant other in my life, to which I reply, dream on, no-one wants a fat fifty four year old baldy bloke cluttering up their life. Having said that of course there is an answer to that predicament or at least part of it. I can do nothing about my age, that is a given, I can't really do much about the baldy bit either since I have no intention of having a hair transplant or wearing an 'irish'; so what's left I hear you cry? Get rid of the flab is my reply.
How am I going to do that? Well as I really don't like going to the gym and regret the money I spent on membership I've changed my plan of campaign and rescued my push-bike from storage and am going to have it refurbished to start riding it again. I've identified a route which is not too arduous and doesn't have much traffic on it to start with and will ride this circuit a couple of times a week until the nights cut in too much.
I'm also going to start exercising in the house which is something I can do any time regardless of the weather and I won't have to go leaping around in public which I really detest.
The other strand is to cut down my drinking by only going out at weekends and not drinking in the house. My eating habits are pretty healthy, mainly fish and chicken, combined with rice or pasta and a lot of fruit so that isn't really an issue. I'll have to cut down on bread and ice cream but apart from that I think I have the food front sorted. Cut out the excess drink and the weight should drop off.
So that is my new master plan to lose weight, it may not get me a life-partner but at least I'll feel better in myself and be comfortable in my clothes, something I haven't felt in a while. Wish me luck, and ttfn.
Tuesday, 20 August 2013
Why...
...do I follow Newcastle United? I have followed the fortunes of Newcastle United (NUFC) for as long as I can remember and have only two or three times in probably 45 years of following them received any sort of joy or fulfilment from the activity. The winning of The Inter Cities Fairs Cup in 1969 and two or three promotions were the highlights whilst relegations from the top flight and two or three disastrous FA Cup Final defeats have been the low points. The rest of the time has been spent in agonised mediocrity hoping and praying for better times.
It seems no matter how good a player is when he signs for NUFC his talent or fitness deserts him and he falls into mediocrity only to be transferred to another team when he suddenly regains form and fitness and starts ripping up railway tracks for fun.
Every season is the same, nothing happens on the transfer market, no decent players are bought and we are assured that this crop of players plus 'the youngsters coming through' will be good enough to take the league by the scruff of the neck and win it by a mile, or if not at least qualify for Europe which then becomes next season's excuse for failure and escaping relegation by the skin of their teeth, or not as the case may be.
It is an addiction, I stopped attending matches a few years ago when the price became prohibitive and the few games I have been to were the usual mix of ineptitude and big talk ending in defeat caused by the poorness of the officials or the fact that the wind was blowing or a helicopter flew over the ground or a dog ate the star strikes kit so he had to play in his underwear or some other piffle to cover the fact that neither the management or the team are good enough to cut the mustard.
I watch on TV now and still the mediocrity carries on, these lot need reminding that they should be passing to the chaps in the same coloured shirts as them and that short sharp passes are much preferable to thirty yard 'money shot' passes which invariably go nowhere. Also it may be worth the team remembering that the idea is to get the ball in the net between the goalposts not to hit a bloke eating a pie in Row Z.
No matter what though, much as I've tried to ignore the results, I can't stop caring about how they get on. For better or worse they are my team and I can't let go.
ttfn
It seems no matter how good a player is when he signs for NUFC his talent or fitness deserts him and he falls into mediocrity only to be transferred to another team when he suddenly regains form and fitness and starts ripping up railway tracks for fun.
Every season is the same, nothing happens on the transfer market, no decent players are bought and we are assured that this crop of players plus 'the youngsters coming through' will be good enough to take the league by the scruff of the neck and win it by a mile, or if not at least qualify for Europe which then becomes next season's excuse for failure and escaping relegation by the skin of their teeth, or not as the case may be.
It is an addiction, I stopped attending matches a few years ago when the price became prohibitive and the few games I have been to were the usual mix of ineptitude and big talk ending in defeat caused by the poorness of the officials or the fact that the wind was blowing or a helicopter flew over the ground or a dog ate the star strikes kit so he had to play in his underwear or some other piffle to cover the fact that neither the management or the team are good enough to cut the mustard.
I watch on TV now and still the mediocrity carries on, these lot need reminding that they should be passing to the chaps in the same coloured shirts as them and that short sharp passes are much preferable to thirty yard 'money shot' passes which invariably go nowhere. Also it may be worth the team remembering that the idea is to get the ball in the net between the goalposts not to hit a bloke eating a pie in Row Z.
No matter what though, much as I've tried to ignore the results, I can't stop caring about how they get on. For better or worse they are my team and I can't let go.
ttfn
Sunday, 11 August 2013
Sunday night 10.30 pm
Well I'm sitting here at 10.30 on a Sunday night with the tv off as there's nothing I want to watch contemplating where to go from here.
I just agreed another 6 months rental on my current place from September which has made me think about the future. I'm trying not to plan too far ahead but I think it is sensible to have at least an outline plan of where I want to be when the 6 months is up next March.
I would like to stay around here I think because it is a lovely place to live as I've said on many occasions and also the prospect of moving again doesn't fill me with joy.
The landlords have said that at some stage they will want to sell this place so I've said I would like them to give me first refusal when they do. I will need now to plan the financial side of things so it will be wise I think to get hold of my financial adviser at the bank sooner rather than later to see what options are open to me.
When they sell I could of course just look for another rental which is something I may have to do but I suppose I am worrying a bit much too soon. Having said that I don't want to end up looking for somewhere with a short deadline in front of me.
Decisions, I hate them and I get the feeling I'm over-thinking the whole situation a bit and need to relax. The ideal option would be to find a partner to help out with all the emotional and financial hurdles life throws up but I'm not sure I'm ready for that yet. I ought to be since Madame has made her move into a new life without me so sitting around like a shag on a rock waiting for her to come home isn't an option.
Time to put all that down to experience and move on. So if there are any ladies out there who wltm a chunky, bald, writer, blogger, reluctant civil servant please feel free to drop by.
On that note, which is the first time I have genuinely contemplated moving on from the thrall of Madame I will be off to read my book.
Peace and Love. ttfn
I just agreed another 6 months rental on my current place from September which has made me think about the future. I'm trying not to plan too far ahead but I think it is sensible to have at least an outline plan of where I want to be when the 6 months is up next March.
I would like to stay around here I think because it is a lovely place to live as I've said on many occasions and also the prospect of moving again doesn't fill me with joy.
The landlords have said that at some stage they will want to sell this place so I've said I would like them to give me first refusal when they do. I will need now to plan the financial side of things so it will be wise I think to get hold of my financial adviser at the bank sooner rather than later to see what options are open to me.
When they sell I could of course just look for another rental which is something I may have to do but I suppose I am worrying a bit much too soon. Having said that I don't want to end up looking for somewhere with a short deadline in front of me.
Decisions, I hate them and I get the feeling I'm over-thinking the whole situation a bit and need to relax. The ideal option would be to find a partner to help out with all the emotional and financial hurdles life throws up but I'm not sure I'm ready for that yet. I ought to be since Madame has made her move into a new life without me so sitting around like a shag on a rock waiting for her to come home isn't an option.
Time to put all that down to experience and move on. So if there are any ladies out there who wltm a chunky, bald, writer, blogger, reluctant civil servant please feel free to drop by.
On that note, which is the first time I have genuinely contemplated moving on from the thrall of Madame I will be off to read my book.
Peace and Love. ttfn
Saturday, 10 August 2013
Racism is alive and well.
I was in a bar last night and heard the following statement made 'I was in town today and the place was swarming with them, acting like gangsters swaggering around with their baseball caps on backwards. Send them home'. The 'them' referred to were black and Asian kids.
The speaker knew nothing of the background of these people and was basing his opinion purely on the colour of their skin. It was all said so casually and others present were agreeing so readily that it is clear to me that racism is alive and well.
I know I should have said something but I'm a coward and didn't speak up and am thoroughly ashamed of myself.
http://allpoetry.com/poem/8601069-First_They_Came_For_The_Communists-by-Martin_Niemoller
The speaker knew nothing of the background of these people and was basing his opinion purely on the colour of their skin. It was all said so casually and others present were agreeing so readily that it is clear to me that racism is alive and well.
I know I should have said something but I'm a coward and didn't speak up and am thoroughly ashamed of myself.
http://allpoetry.com/poem/8601069-First_They_Came_For_The_Communists-by-Martin_Niemoller
Monday, 5 August 2013
At least it's warm rain.
I thought I would look on the bright side. Although the sun has gone for now, the rain is warm and England has retained The Ashes. I hope it is dry tomorrow though, I'm going to work in London until Thursday and really would like to stay dry getting to and from the station at both ends.
In other news, my poorly foot has been confirmed as being caused by Plantar Fasciitis ( http://www.nhs.uk/Conditions/heel-pain/Pages/Introduction.aspx ) for which the physio has advised me to rest and exercise it. That may sound contradictory but I need to keep the weight off it and do some stretches to ease the ligaments which are thickening and becoming tight. I sincerely hope it works as I'm getting a bit sick of the discomfort when I walk. The physio also suggested insoles in my shoes to help even out the weight distribution when I walk.
I have been struggling over the last few days again with moderate mood swings relating to my singleton status. Nothing too severe, just an occasional dip when I miss the companionship I used to enjoy with Madame. On the other hand that was absent for the last couple of years as we both retreated into our shells and she found solace online with the man she is now marrying. It galls me sometimes to think that without his involvement we might have had a better chance at saving the marriage. Having said that had I had the sense to ask for a different relate counsellor we may have sorted ourselves out as well. Anyway what's gone is gone and we must move on because what might have been wasn't and as the old saying goes 'if your aunt had balls she would've been your uncle'
I like writing my thoughts down in here as I know a couple of people read my maunderings; it helps to get my feelings out in the open and stops me from dwelling. Someone suggested I write a private blog, just for myself but I think I prefer it this way as there may be someone who reads what I'm writing who is in a similar situation and can maybe get some solace from knowing they are not alone.
Anyway, that's all for now. Peace and Love, ttfn
In other news, my poorly foot has been confirmed as being caused by Plantar Fasciitis ( http://www.nhs.uk/Conditions/heel-pain/Pages/Introduction.aspx ) for which the physio has advised me to rest and exercise it. That may sound contradictory but I need to keep the weight off it and do some stretches to ease the ligaments which are thickening and becoming tight. I sincerely hope it works as I'm getting a bit sick of the discomfort when I walk. The physio also suggested insoles in my shoes to help even out the weight distribution when I walk.
I have been struggling over the last few days again with moderate mood swings relating to my singleton status. Nothing too severe, just an occasional dip when I miss the companionship I used to enjoy with Madame. On the other hand that was absent for the last couple of years as we both retreated into our shells and she found solace online with the man she is now marrying. It galls me sometimes to think that without his involvement we might have had a better chance at saving the marriage. Having said that had I had the sense to ask for a different relate counsellor we may have sorted ourselves out as well. Anyway what's gone is gone and we must move on because what might have been wasn't and as the old saying goes 'if your aunt had balls she would've been your uncle'
I like writing my thoughts down in here as I know a couple of people read my maunderings; it helps to get my feelings out in the open and stops me from dwelling. Someone suggested I write a private blog, just for myself but I think I prefer it this way as there may be someone who reads what I'm writing who is in a similar situation and can maybe get some solace from knowing they are not alone.
Anyway, that's all for now. Peace and Love, ttfn
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)