I wonder sometimes why I bother following the fortunes of Newcastle United. Currently they are losing 1-0 at half time against a team who haven't scored in the league in over 5 hours of play. Yet again an unlucky deflection wrong footing the goalkeeper. They should be murdering teams with the talent they have but time and again they snatch defeat from the jaws of victory.
They have been my team since I was old enough to know what football was and I have followed them through thick and thin but sometimes I wonder why.
Time and again they flatter to deceive but never seem to be able to take it to the next level and win something.
Now I know they've won two Championships in the fairly recent past but in order to do that they had to be relegated first.
I would love for them to use the talent currently at the club, win a few games and bring a trophy back to St James' Park. They are unlikely to win the Premier League this year so avoiding relegation would be a result in that area but they are through to the last 32 of the Europa League and still in the FA cup so lets see if they can surprise us all and win one of those trophies. As ever, we live in hope.
Still whatever happens they are my team and I will follow them as long as I have breath in my body but honestly sometimes I don't know why I bother.
Monday, 10 December 2012
Sunday, 9 December 2012
Loneliness redux
Back in August I wrote about loneliness. At that time Madame was in the US considering her position with regard to our marital status and I was feeling pretty low. Things have moved on and since 22 November she and I have been divorced. That is not what I wanted.
You can't have everything you want in life so here we are and I am alone. Whether this is temporary or permanent in relation to Madame is an unknown, however whatever the future brings for our relationship it remains that I am on my own just now and feeling lonesome.
On the upside I will be moving in with The Brother until I can find a new place so at least I'll have a bit of company but yet again I'll be the third wheel. That seems to be my destiny in life, always the odd one out. To me there is nothing lonelier than being in that position. I hate being the odd one out.
I like to try and be as individual as I can. You know, not to follow the crowd but plough my own furrow. That doesn't alter the fact that I need to be in a partnership, to have someone to look after and support whilst being looked after and supported in turn. This being single malarkey is not for me. Having said that I don't know what to do to improve the situation.
What a conundrum. I suppose I'll have to make the best of things and hope that life looks up sooner rather than later.
You can't have everything you want in life so here we are and I am alone. Whether this is temporary or permanent in relation to Madame is an unknown, however whatever the future brings for our relationship it remains that I am on my own just now and feeling lonesome.
On the upside I will be moving in with The Brother until I can find a new place so at least I'll have a bit of company but yet again I'll be the third wheel. That seems to be my destiny in life, always the odd one out. To me there is nothing lonelier than being in that position. I hate being the odd one out.
I like to try and be as individual as I can. You know, not to follow the crowd but plough my own furrow. That doesn't alter the fact that I need to be in a partnership, to have someone to look after and support whilst being looked after and supported in turn. This being single malarkey is not for me. Having said that I don't know what to do to improve the situation.
What a conundrum. I suppose I'll have to make the best of things and hope that life looks up sooner rather than later.
Sunday morning.
Sorry about the slight delay there, just had to break up a kitty contretemps over a particular spot on the bed which they both wanted to occupy.
Where was I? Oh yes, Sunday morning and I've had my breakfast and am now going to read the papers before going to tackle the packing in the 'office' and do the last few bits that are lying around in the spare bedroom.
I decided upon boiled eggs this morning for breakfast since it has been ages since I had them and they go particularly well with toast slathered in lashings of Lurpak.
I decided that for my last week in the old homestead I would have butter instead of 'healthy' spread. I do like olive spread but sometimes only butter will do and as I'm now past caring I don't think having butter is a major sin.
I am going to keep off the beer today and probably all next week because it is that time of year when the Polis are hot on the trail of drink driving in the mornings as well as at night and you can easily fail a breath test without realising you are still over from the night before.
I find it very difficult to motivate myself sometimes and end up doing everything at the last minute which makes it difficult to relax. What I should be doing is packing stuff instead of writing this and reading the papers, the reading and writing should come after I've achieved something as a reward for work done rather than as an avoidance technique.
So off to do some packing, back later with a sitrep.
Right back for a rest. Two boxes filled and three bags of rubbish in the skip. Progress. Having a break to read a bit more of the paper then back to it. It does feel good to have done something. Mind you it always does, I know it does but still I never learn to do the job at hand then relax rather than do anything but the job at hand and worry about not having done the job at hand. Bit late now after 54 years but you never know, I may be the exception that proves the rule on the old dogs and new tricks thing.
By Jove, I'm knocking doors out of windows here, or is it windows out of doors? Either way, that's the last of the junk removed from the 'office' and three more boxes filled. A couple or three more should see everything from there packed apart from the printer and the broadband router which will be the last things to be done before I move.
Packed the spare bedding up. I'm getting there slowly but surely.
Even I'm getting bored with the reports of the packing progress so I'll stop now and write something more interesting another time.
Just one final thing, I wish I could get rid of this underlying feeling of sadness that is with me constantly just now. Maybe once I move but I just don't know.
Where was I? Oh yes, Sunday morning and I've had my breakfast and am now going to read the papers before going to tackle the packing in the 'office' and do the last few bits that are lying around in the spare bedroom.
I decided upon boiled eggs this morning for breakfast since it has been ages since I had them and they go particularly well with toast slathered in lashings of Lurpak.
I decided that for my last week in the old homestead I would have butter instead of 'healthy' spread. I do like olive spread but sometimes only butter will do and as I'm now past caring I don't think having butter is a major sin.
I am going to keep off the beer today and probably all next week because it is that time of year when the Polis are hot on the trail of drink driving in the mornings as well as at night and you can easily fail a breath test without realising you are still over from the night before.
I find it very difficult to motivate myself sometimes and end up doing everything at the last minute which makes it difficult to relax. What I should be doing is packing stuff instead of writing this and reading the papers, the reading and writing should come after I've achieved something as a reward for work done rather than as an avoidance technique.
So off to do some packing, back later with a sitrep.
Right back for a rest. Two boxes filled and three bags of rubbish in the skip. Progress. Having a break to read a bit more of the paper then back to it. It does feel good to have done something. Mind you it always does, I know it does but still I never learn to do the job at hand then relax rather than do anything but the job at hand and worry about not having done the job at hand. Bit late now after 54 years but you never know, I may be the exception that proves the rule on the old dogs and new tricks thing.
By Jove, I'm knocking doors out of windows here, or is it windows out of doors? Either way, that's the last of the junk removed from the 'office' and three more boxes filled. A couple or three more should see everything from there packed apart from the printer and the broadband router which will be the last things to be done before I move.
Packed the spare bedding up. I'm getting there slowly but surely.
Even I'm getting bored with the reports of the packing progress so I'll stop now and write something more interesting another time.
Just one final thing, I wish I could get rid of this underlying feeling of sadness that is with me constantly just now. Maybe once I move but I just don't know.
Saturday, 8 December 2012
I have a full skip.
That didn't take long. I've managed to fill the skip with junk to spare. This afternoon I'm going to have a little relax then fill a couple more moving boxes.
Tomorrow morning I'm going to see if I can squeeze a bit more into the skip then fill more moving boxes so that by Friday all that will need to be packed is the stuff that is being used on a daily basis.
This isn't very exiting but it helps to share my thoughts and gives me an incentive to keep going.
I have said it before but I'll be glad when I'm settled into The Brother's and can start looking for a new home in earnest.
On a lighter note, I have a couple of week-long work trips to Glasgow and Edinburgh on consecutive weeks between 14 and 25 Jan. It just so happens that my pal's band, The Loft Monster is appearing at the Griffin Bar in Glasgow on 19 Jan so I plan to stay over in Glasgow the middle weekend, go to the gig and catch up with him and his wife. It will be a pleasant change to get away and relax after the last 18 months or so which have been awful.
Tomorrow morning I'm going to see if I can squeeze a bit more into the skip then fill more moving boxes so that by Friday all that will need to be packed is the stuff that is being used on a daily basis.
This isn't very exiting but it helps to share my thoughts and gives me an incentive to keep going.
I have said it before but I'll be glad when I'm settled into The Brother's and can start looking for a new home in earnest.
On a lighter note, I have a couple of week-long work trips to Glasgow and Edinburgh on consecutive weeks between 14 and 25 Jan. It just so happens that my pal's band, The Loft Monster is appearing at the Griffin Bar in Glasgow on 19 Jan so I plan to stay over in Glasgow the middle weekend, go to the gig and catch up with him and his wife. It will be a pleasant change to get away and relax after the last 18 months or so which have been awful.
I have a skip.
Today I have a skip. So bacon sandwiches and a bit of cricket then out to the garage and the greenhouse to get rid of the remaining junk. It's a little frosty out there but that doesn't matter. It'll help keep me cool while I'm working.
Once I'm done out there I'll go along to the shop and get some beer to have with my bangers and mash for dinner tonight.
Not much else to say really, I've managed to get past my struggles of Tuesday but it's all still lying at the back of my mind. I need to get a grip and move forward. Let's hope I can once the move is done.
Once I'm done out there I'll go along to the shop and get some beer to have with my bangers and mash for dinner tonight.
Not much else to say really, I've managed to get past my struggles of Tuesday but it's all still lying at the back of my mind. I need to get a grip and move forward. Let's hope I can once the move is done.
Tuesday, 4 December 2012
Struggling a bit today.
Madame was back over the weekend. I didn't see much of her, she stayed at an hotel because she said she wasn't sure if the house would be livable with me packing up and so on. Anyway, I saw her for a couple of hours here and there and we discussed a few logistics in relation to what is going on with us and all the stuff that is being stored.
My problem is, I dropped her off at the hotel last night and she said she was flying back to the US early this morning and it feels like I've lost her all over again. I am struggling to cope with the thought that this time she has gone for good apart from maybe a trip back at Easter to sort out some more stored stuff. I really hoped that we could make a shot at working out our problems and having another go at the relationship. We have agreed to see how things go but I still worry.
Now I know you are going to say, you're divorced, she doesn't want to try again, that's why she divorced you so get over it and get on with your life. The sensible side of me agrees with that.
My problem is that the romantic soppy side of me is in the ascendancy and has been for a while. That part of me is saying that you agreed to separate and once the new house was bought she would consider coming back on regular visits and you would travel to see her and the relationship would be gradually rebuilt. Again that is still what we have agreed but my pessimistic side, I have more sides than something with a load of sides but that is another story, is telling me that she is just saying that to keep me sweet while we wait for the money from the house and once that is divided up she'll wash her hands of me entirely.
The more optimistic side, see what I mean about sides, says that she has agreed on loads of occasions that she needs a bit of time to get set mentally and work-wise then she'll be able to relax a bit and look at life more positively and if we can keep calm and carry on and see where fate takes us we'll be fine.
I am torn, my mind is in turmoil and I'm operating on auto pilot. My outward persona is the usual cynical, wise-cracking front that I display to the world. Inside is a whole other kettle of fish, I feel like a lost little boy on the verge of tears all the time. There is a huge lump of sadness sitting in the pit of my stomach.
I feel like the slightest thing will send me over the edge into a full out depression. I certainly don't want that to happen, it is not a fun place to be.
The sooner the money comes through, the move is made and the pressure of packing is done with the better and I can at least move forward with a full out assault on finding a new place. I'm wary of looking too hard in case I find somewhere I really like and lose it because the cash hasn't come through. Still it's all in the hands of the solicitors I've signed what needs to be signed and answered all their questions so I'll just have to wait.
Once I've identified a couple of possibles I should feel a bit better and my mind will be occupied with getting to know the new place and the new people that will bring.
All I really want just now though is my (Ex) wife back on board and that, sadly is out of my control as well.
I can live in hope of things turning out as I wish but that doesn't stop my soppy, depressive and pessimistic sides from being in control just now.
Sorry for the miserable tenor of this post but it has been cathartic to ramble and if anyone has any ideas about how to squash the down sides and bolster the up please feel free to let me know.
It's now 6.45 pm and I have to say I'm feeling a little better than I did earlier. I still wish Madame would come back on board and that the house sale was sorted but both of these things are out of my control and as I said on an earlier blog Carpe diem quam minimum credula postero.
My problem is, I dropped her off at the hotel last night and she said she was flying back to the US early this morning and it feels like I've lost her all over again. I am struggling to cope with the thought that this time she has gone for good apart from maybe a trip back at Easter to sort out some more stored stuff. I really hoped that we could make a shot at working out our problems and having another go at the relationship. We have agreed to see how things go but I still worry.
Now I know you are going to say, you're divorced, she doesn't want to try again, that's why she divorced you so get over it and get on with your life. The sensible side of me agrees with that.
My problem is that the romantic soppy side of me is in the ascendancy and has been for a while. That part of me is saying that you agreed to separate and once the new house was bought she would consider coming back on regular visits and you would travel to see her and the relationship would be gradually rebuilt. Again that is still what we have agreed but my pessimistic side, I have more sides than something with a load of sides but that is another story, is telling me that she is just saying that to keep me sweet while we wait for the money from the house and once that is divided up she'll wash her hands of me entirely.
The more optimistic side, see what I mean about sides, says that she has agreed on loads of occasions that she needs a bit of time to get set mentally and work-wise then she'll be able to relax a bit and look at life more positively and if we can keep calm and carry on and see where fate takes us we'll be fine.
I am torn, my mind is in turmoil and I'm operating on auto pilot. My outward persona is the usual cynical, wise-cracking front that I display to the world. Inside is a whole other kettle of fish, I feel like a lost little boy on the verge of tears all the time. There is a huge lump of sadness sitting in the pit of my stomach.
I feel like the slightest thing will send me over the edge into a full out depression. I certainly don't want that to happen, it is not a fun place to be.
The sooner the money comes through, the move is made and the pressure of packing is done with the better and I can at least move forward with a full out assault on finding a new place. I'm wary of looking too hard in case I find somewhere I really like and lose it because the cash hasn't come through. Still it's all in the hands of the solicitors I've signed what needs to be signed and answered all their questions so I'll just have to wait.
Once I've identified a couple of possibles I should feel a bit better and my mind will be occupied with getting to know the new place and the new people that will bring.
All I really want just now though is my (Ex) wife back on board and that, sadly is out of my control as well.
I can live in hope of things turning out as I wish but that doesn't stop my soppy, depressive and pessimistic sides from being in control just now.
Sorry for the miserable tenor of this post but it has been cathartic to ramble and if anyone has any ideas about how to squash the down sides and bolster the up please feel free to let me know.
It's now 6.45 pm and I have to say I'm feeling a little better than I did earlier. I still wish Madame would come back on board and that the house sale was sorted but both of these things are out of my control and as I said on an earlier blog Carpe diem quam minimum credula postero.
Sunday, 2 December 2012
A bit early but wtf
As I’m not sending out Christmas cards this year I would
like to wish you all a very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.
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