Groundhog Day

My life is currently in something of a rut. Every day the same old, same old. Bed at 1am or so, up mid-morning, looking at the computer until my eyes bleed and waiting for other people to fulfil their promises. I've had enough. The time has come for me to step out of the gloom I have allowed myself to be enveloped by and find some light in my life.
I'm going to spend less time looking at social media since all I seem to see, with some notable exceptions is hatred and unkindness. People making comments to others they barely know, if at all, which they wouldn't have the courage to say to the face of their target. From now on anyone showing aggression or intolerance will be blocked. I'm all for sensible and reasoned discourse and people will disagree, there's nothing wrong in that. There's a difference between argument and ad hominem attacks and downright abuse. It makes me sad to see so many people who seem to live their lives in a perpetual state of anger spewing hatred at all in their path.
It's time for me to start writing again. A new tale which I'm not sure about the subject of yet but I'm certain some inspiration will come soon. If not I'll revisit some of the old stuff and try to breathe new life into it.
More poetry as well. I'll try to come up with a better standard than previously though if the words come unbidden I'll write them down verbatim whether they scan or not since they obviously want to be expressed.
Get out more, just because I'm currently in a state of impecuniousness doesn't mean that I can't go for a stroll and take in the world around me.
I'm being naive but all I ask is for people to be kind and empathetic, to understand that we are all different and encourage one another rather than try to beat others down or use them to further their own ends. I hope that's not too much to ask.
So with that, I'll be off. Peace and Love, ttfn. xx

Ye Gods! Another one.

Another school shooting in America, a poem that just came into my head:

When?

When will it end, when?

When all the kids are dead and gone? When?

When there's no-one left to hold a gun? When?

When life is valuable to all? When?

When will we learn? When?

When will the killing stop?When?

When people learn that we don't need guns. 

That's when.

I fear...

...that my Magnum Opus 'West Goes West' has hit the buffers. It's probably 12 months since I last looked at the latest draft and as I've been banging away at it on and off for a long, a very long, time. I need to make a serious re-evaluation of the whole project.
I like the idea and the story was going quite well but poor old Bob West has been stuck now in San Francisco for some considerable time so I think I need to go back to when I was happy with where I had put him which was just after his arrival in New York from England just after the US Civil War.
Please send positive thoughts and maybe cash, beer, rum and tobacco to encourage me on my foray into rescuing Bob from his West Coast hiatus.
In other news, please be kind to one another, help people where you can, show empathy not enmity and above all love your fellow beings.
Peace and Love xx ttfn

PS: I should also write more poetry and posts on here. xx

I had a dream

I had a dream last night. To be more exact, it was this morning since I was up watching the Winter Olympics and didn't turn in until 6am. Who thought that half-pipe snowboarding could be so enthralling? Still, I had a dream last night which has cheered me up no end.
It was a positive dream about reuniting with lost love and the main character was an amalgam of  a couple of people with whom I've had a loving relationship. We reconnected in a pub (surprise! surprise!) and after much talking we realised that we still had, if not love a deep and abiding link which held us together.
This dream stayed with me after I woke, hence this post and I realised that friendship and communication are powerful things which should be treasured and held close.
I'll be 60 this year and doubt that there will ever be another significant other in my life but that said, I am comforted to know that the friends I have, even though I rarely see them and some are people I have never met other than through social media are to be cherished and I value them all.
So thanks to the drugs and the new positivity they have helped me to find I look forward to holding the people I interact with close to my heart and to have them know that even though I don't say it often enough they are loved and valued and my life would be poorer without them.
Finally, I hope that one day I will be able to master the depression and anxiety which has bedeviled me without chemical help and keep the black dog at bay.
Peace and Love x

Feeling introspective

Having tried to help myself through books, online reading and mindfulness I've finally accepted that I'd try drugs to get out from under the cloud of depression and anxiety which has bedevilled my life so far. This course I've started on seems to have kicked in, and has given me a more positive attitude.
So, with that in mind and as I'll be 60 in October 2018 I've been cogitating upon where I am in life and where I want to be.
For reasons which are many and varied, since childhood I've never been truly happy or comfortable within myself. Sometimes consciously, other times unconsciously I've been searching for something, I'm not even sure what that something is, or was. I've just been searching, constantly, for whatever it is that I've perceived to be missing.
I've also spent much of my life in self-defeating, self-destructive behaviour from, more recent online gambling through which I got into debt, lost all my money, a marriage and a house to, in earlier years, affairs with married women and excessive drinking which cost me my self-respect and a decent career.
Still, we are where we are and as the big 6-oh appears on the horizon it's time to gather up the loose ends and look forward.
From this New Year for the rest of the time I have left on Earth I'll concentrate on being as good a person as I can, to get out of my self-imposed purdah, save some money, do some writing, read more books and generally stop hiding away from the world.
Whether or not these drugs will remain part of my life and for how long I'll take them depends upon discussions with the doctor and how my mood is affected in the longer term. What I do know is that I'm feeling more positive and long may that continue.
There we have it then. I've left the maze that was my previous life and stand at the threshold of open country before me. Wish me luck.
Peace and Love. x

Cowboy Time

Cowboy Time

Ten to ten

To ten

To ten

To ten

Ten 

Ten to ten

To ten

To ten

To ten

To ten ten ten

Cold-a poem

Cold

It's cold tonight

And dark

There is no light 

No spark

The Sun will be low

And soon be gone

Leaving its glow

To make way for the moon

It's that time of year again

It's been nearly two months since I last wrote anything on here. I don't know where the time goes, it just seems to slip past like the waters of a river as the boat of life moves downstream. 
Anyway, enough waxing lyrical. 
It's that time of year when I start to feel even lower than usual. My birthday has been and gone, the clocks have gone back so the dark nights are upon us, the anniversary of a terrible event in my life fast approaches and the Christmas adverts are on TV, harbingers of another period of false bonhomie and excessive consumption.
Since I'm unsure of how to get out of this sadness-fest I go through each year I'll once again write my thoughts down so that I can, I hope, exorcise them.
It is probably a good idea to look on the bright side. I have, for now, a roof over my head, I have friends who, although I rarely see them can be contacted though social media, I'm losing weight, by the simple expedient of cutting down on alcohol consumption and cutting out cakes and biscuits completely. I was 17 stone 7 lbs when I moved into this flat in August 2015, at the last check yesterday morning I was 15 stone exactly. So far, all good. 
But there is as always a but. But, I still have this low level, dull, pit-of-the-stomach aching emptiness about my person which nags away day after day. A while ago I was prescribed drugs by my doctor, they didn't help. All I got was diarrhoea, which admittedly took my mind off my low mood since I was concentrating on not crapping myself every time I went more that 50 feet from a toilet so perhaps they did help a bit. 
Like I said, they didn't work and the aforementioned feelings never went away and are still there, all the damn time, to one degree or another. I don't know why I have these low moods, maybe there's a deep-seated cause somewhere but I'm blessed if I know what it is, or if I do I've suppressed it. So until I find a solution I suppose I'll just have to keep on keeping on in the hope that someday the thing in my head that brings me low will go away and leave me in peace.
Until next time, Peace and Love. ttfn x

Morning!

Old Man

A tuneful old man from Bray

Played his tuba whilst lying in Hay

He soon choked on his tongue

Afore he'd played for too long

He's lying in Hay to this day.

A Cloud

A Cloud

There was a small cloud in the sky

Who was scared at being so high

So he grabbed onto a hill

And some valleys did fill

That foggy young cloud in the sky

A new poem

I was just reading about depression and how debilitating it can be when people feel the need to pretend everything is OK and this poem came into my head.

How are You?

Hey! Long time no see, how are you?

I'm fine, never better, in the pink.

I lie,

Whilst dying inside, a lump of undefined

Sadness gnawing at me for no reason

That I can find. It's just there gnawing at me,

No respite, just a constant chew, chew, chew

At the very fibre of my being, leaving me

Exhausted because I'm fine, never better, in the pink.

Now I know that many poetic purists will criticize my style, lack of scanning/rhyming and many other poetry rules that I fail to observe. I'm also sure that many will think my poetry is crap. That's fine. And I'm not sure why I feel the need to defend my poems other than my innate lack of a sense of self-worth but all I have to say is that they just come to me, I don't spend ages agonizing over them, they come from my heart and mind and that's the way I like them and intend to continue producing them.

Two poems

These came to me as I was lying half-awake at 3am today.

I'm Safe

I lie, head covered

To protect me from the

The Bogey Man.

I fall asleep, wake

Oh no! An arm is out!

Look up, relax, it's daylight

Through the curtains,

I'm safe.

Die!

Go back to where you came from!

Die!

You're not like me

Snowflake, Commie, Queer,

Die!

The hatred flows, how to stop it?

Report to Facebook, Twitter?

They do nothing, the answer's

Simple if only you would see.

Stop, think before you press send

Be kind.

Nearly a year

It's been close on a twelvemonth since I last fired up the old blog so I thought it was high time to write something. I've written a few poems which I've put out on Niume but I've made few comments on what's going on in the world because I've been fearful of saying something which would release tirades of abuse from anyone who happens upon my ramblings and disagrees with me.
The reason for my reluctance is that it seems in the last year or so the art of reasoned argument has taken a back seat to be replaced by ad hominem attacks by those who oppose a given point of view and I can't be arsed with all the aggravation.
Therefore this little piece is just to let anyone who is interested know that I'm still alive unlike my poor old cat Thomas who passed away, and to report that:
1. As some of you may know, I took early retirement from work in April '16,
2. My travelling days are over for now,
3. My poetic muse has apparently gone on an extended break,
4. The Tale is still sitting on the stocks waiting for my inspiration to be jogged and
5. I spend much time watching the grass grow in the back yard hoping that points 2-4 above will change in the not too distant future.
So until next time the urge to say hello comes round I'll say ttfn.
Peace and Love x

Alnmouth Beach

At Alnmouth Beach again. Another lovely sunny morning with the tide in, a few people jogging or walking dogs. A host of sea birds are dive bombing the fish at the mouth of the Aln and the waves are breaking gently on the beach as a light breeze riffles through the grass growing on the sandy shoreline.
It's a beautiful and serene view which makes one realise just how lucky I am to live so close to such a lovely spot. I think when I die I would like to be cremated and have my ashes scattered down here so that my ghost can enjoy this place for eternity.

57 years 10 months 21 days.

I have wasted 57 years and 10 months and 21 days worrying and pretending to be happy and now it's time to get my shit together, as the saying goes.
I'm feeling introspective after the last living link to my old life passed away and now the time has come to stop harking back to a golden age which if it existed at all, didn't exist for very long periods and look forwards. I realise that the answer to my future Happiness and Fulfilment doesn't lie in the past. Although I have no idea yet what that answer is I'm looking and I will find it.
So, where do I go from here? You ask, or actually I ask but never mind. Where is the path? Am I on it and who will be on it with me? At the moment I'm mostly travelling alone and will continue to do so until I'm not if that makes sense. I will plough my own furrow and if someone comes along to help handle the horses all well and good. If not, then alone I will plough.
The first and main things to solve are 'trigger' issues. I need to neutralise the elements in my life that lead to downturns in my mood and are obstacles to my move towards said H and F. I mostly know what they are, I've just never had the mental strength to address them. Stuff lack of mental strength, I will be doing said addressing forthwith.
I will not give importance to things that are not important and stop worrying about every little thing.
I will deal with what I can deal with and let anything I can't deal with sort itself out.
I will remain open and welcoming to anyone who wants to be my friend and ignore negative or unfriendly people.
I will continue with my nocturnal lifestyle until it peters out, or if it doesn't until I do, peter out that is.
I will start taking a morning stroll, weather permitting and enjoy the beauty of the countryside around me.
I have and will continue to cut down on my alcohol consumption and try to keep the smoking down to a dull roar.
I will write more; on here, in poems and short stories.
I will continue to read books and to finish the one I've been writing for the past 6 years.
I will live my life without fear of what others think of me and above all I will be open to new friends and ideas whilst remaining open to old friends and acquaintances who want to join me on the road to H and F.
I think that about covers it for now.
Love and Peace, ttfn x.

A cat died today

A cat died today. 

Not just any cat; Thomas, the cat who had been with me for more than 12 years. He came into my life along with his sister, Abbey around 2004 from the Cats Protection League. My now former wife Karen and I adopted the pair of them and they remained with me when Karen went back to the USA in 2012. Abbey passed away in 2014 leaving just Thomas and me from our little family. Now Thomas is gone and I am sad.

 He was such good company and I will ever be able to replace him. He was the last link to some happy times and memories and was part of some new ones following my move to Broomhill.

I guess all I can do now is remember the good times and keep moving on. There is no point in looking back and wishing things had been different. We are where we are, or more correctly, I am where I am and will have to get on with it.

Thankfully since I'm retired I don't have to worry about going to work if I feel down, I can stay home and be sad if I need to and can be free to go where I like to cheer myself up. Alnmouth Beach better look out!

I suppose some people reading this will thing that I'm a soppy old git, well that is their prerogative. Thomas was a special little guy and I will miss him and all that he represented. 

Writing can be hard, can't it?

I've been thinking with little success about writing a short story. The process brought the poem below to mind:

The Short Story

Who, what, where, when, why?

The writer sits, there's a story to be written

But the ideas won't come.

The canvas is blank, both page and brain.

The characters hide from the writer. They sit

And languish in the subconscious. Waiting to be freed

To move from mind to sheet. The ink in the pen

Waits to be used to bring life to

People who don't exist. Yet. But will soon.

Maybe the short story should be about a poet struggling to write a poem, now there's a thought.

Here's the thing.

I've been to a funeral today (which always makes me feel introspective). It was for an old friend from my home village and I brought me to the conclusion that although on the surface I appear to be generally content with my situation in life there is still a deep-seated sadness within me that I need to exorcise.
I like living where I do just now and am fairly satisfied with life since I retired so I'm not sure what the issue is. Perhaps I need to examine my inner self (for want of a better expression) in order to identify the problem and deal with it. I certainly have the time so why not? The only question is; how?

Hoping

Hoping

Living second to second

Minute to minute

Hour to hour

Day to day.

What has gone is gone

What is to come

Is not here yet.

Living in the moment

Trying to enjoy each instant

And hoping for the best

The EU Referendum

I thought I should write a few words about what was probably the most momentous vote in British history. But I can't.